b3ta.com user Parmenu
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» Bodge Jobs

The week before we got married, Mrs Bigfatlazyman went back home to Ireland to sort out wedding stuff, leaving me with a list of jobs to do around our grubby flat in Glasgow.

One of these jobs was to sort out the slightly sloping floor by the gas boiler. I ripped up the lino and started hammering nails into the plyboard. That didn't work, so I got the electric screwdriver out and screwed the floor down. It worked, but it used a lot of screws. It was only while i was cleaning up that I noticed some pencil marks on the plyboard. There was a curious double line that kinked in the middle and changed direction, on which was written the baffling letters 'EPIP'. thinking it was just some builders code for 'bent floor board', I relaid the lino and thought nothing more of it.

Until two weeks later on honeymoon, I woke up with a massive panic induced adrenaline rush on realising 'EPIP. thats PIPE spelled backwards!'. Didnt sleep for another two weeks until we got home, and couldnt tell the mrs as she's have killed me.

It was actually a water pipe... and £3000 worth of damage to the flat below. I denied all knowledge. But she knew. She knew.
(Thu 10th Mar 2011, 14:10, More)

» House Guests

two quick stories
1 - my gf at uni lived in a very nicely decorated posh flat, with very nice posh rich girls. one evening i was staying over, drinkies were had, then me and the missus slipped off to take some acid. for some reason i couldnt stop eating and drinking, so i went off and got a battered haggis supper. i stuffed it down, and sank beer after beer and it didnt settle well at all. i ended up boaking in the kitchen, mostly into an open cupboard over dishes and into a cutlery drawer. haggis boak is all grainy and gets everywhere, and the acid made me think the room was covered in it. terrified that we could all be contaminated, i spent the rest of the night doing a deep and pervasive clean of the kitchen. mostly lying on the floor with a j cloth. i was not allowed back in that flat.

2 - the guy that rented my room after i moved out was trouble, but my pal olly the landlord was a very easy going guy. he didnt mind when the new guy fell behind in the rent in the third month, and he didnt mind when the new guy ran up hundreds of pounds on the phone calling gay chatlines. He didn't mind when the new guy stopped cleaning up after himself, and even didnt mind when the new guy started selling used washing machines from the front garden. but when he found the new guy lying on the floor beside his bottle of glenfiddich (empty) and two empty bottles of diet coke, he threw him out of the house. you dont take mixers with good malt.
(Fri 7th Jan 2011, 10:26, More)

» Lead Balloon

Jeremy Beadle's small hand
Alone at a BBQ a mutual friend introduced me to very beautiful girl. We got on brilliantly, everything looked positive. Personally, I believe I was very sexy and hilarious: a font of high class jokes and cerebral humour.

That is until the drink and nerves kicked in... I picked up one of those large 660ml bottles of beer in one hand, and a small bottle of beer in the other. Instantly I reverted to type and announced loudly to the girl and the wider group "look I'm Jeremy Beadle!". Bemused faces. I desperately felt the need to elucidate.

"Jeremy Beadle. He's got a small hand"
(Waves big bottle of beer)
"Well he's dead now, but he had a very small hand"
(Jiggles large bottle beside small bottle)
"You mean you haven't heard that joke. You know... Jeremy Beadle's got a big penis. But on the other hand its quite small"
(Half-heartedly jiggles large bottle of beer in a masturbatory motion)

EVERYONE turned their back on me and started new conversations. Jeremy Beadle's hand is cursed.
(Fri 23rd Aug 2013, 7:08, More)

» Awesome teachers

timely qotw this, good one
i've got very fond memories of a teacher who, instead of geography, taught us how to abseil off the roof of the school. regardless of what else was going on, he also made sure we spent the sunniest day of the year by the school's old outdoor swimming pool.

i'm also indebted to one teacher who, having watched me piss away 3 months on the lathe and welding rig, took over my a-level project and turned it round in a week, drawings and all. for that he charged me £50.
(Fri 18th Mar 2011, 10:01, More)

» Nights Out Gone Wrong

Think of the children
in my first month of teaching i went out with all the other young teachers in my school, they were already quite close and i appreciated them inviting me out.

me and the deputy head of chemistry jumped on a moving street sweeper lorry, then were dragged off by the police. i vomited in a taxi on the way home. i woke up in bed with the head of girls pe, a massive lembot.

in three years of teaching at that school they never asked me out again.
(Fri 25th Mar 2011, 14:45, More)
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