b3ta.com user retrofly
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» Babysitters

Help yourself
When I was younger my dad was a single parent so when he needed to go out a babysitter was the only option. One evening a young girl came to babysit while my dad went out for a work function. He did the usual for a new babysitter, explained where everything was etc, and of course tolde her she could help herself to any food or drink in the house.

Fast forward a few hours, dad out babysitter downstairs I start hearing the dreadful sound of someone being sick, not only that but missing the toilet, i could tell due to the pitter patter of sick clumps hitting the floor.

By the time dad arrived home, the place was a mess, most of it covered in puke.

The babysitter claimed she had some kind of bug and made a quick exit, leaving the mess behind for my dad to clear up.

After the cleanup operation my dad noticed the drinks cabinet a'jar. I think when my dad said help yourself to a drink he didnt mean a bottle of Vodka.

So not only had the Babysitter effectively got herself a fee bottle of Vodka, only to spew it all over the house but shoe also go paid for the pleasure as well.
(Thu 4th Nov 2010, 10:28, More)

» Killed to DEATH

In so many ways and forms. A phobia, you see, does strange things to a person. One minute your minding your own buisness, the next your punching a pile of washing like Bruce Lee becuase a giant house spider made you jump.

I'm not proud of myself, but sometimes it really is me or the spider becuase I aint staying in a room with one lurking in.

It was only since I discovered hoovers and long attachments has it become a mundane task instead of an epic battle of wits and nerve.

Although I have got braver with the smaller ones, what with growing old and discovering mortality and all that shit I've started to save a few of the 8 legged fuck faces.

(Thu 22nd Dec 2011, 17:33, More)

» Conversation Killers

Covo killer, ultimate foot in mouth?
One of the few periods where I've said something, only to one to vanish or just punch myself in the face.

While working a Sainsbury's a collegue came into work, a little early for his shift, with a face so glum and sad.

As you do I said what people always do for a laugh,

"who died?", with a slight grin on my face. My collegue was normally up for a laugh and was just normal banter, until he replied

"My dad"

I instantly wanted to dissapear, make harm upon myself for saying something so stupid.

In my defence what was he doing comming into work?

Turned out his dad had died of a heart attack in the night, but was so upset and depressed that he just wanted to get out the house (he still lived with his parents at the time), so came to work.

Are these stories suppose to be funny? *Shurg*
(Fri 13th May 2011, 11:58, More)

» Bizarre habits

For some reason, especialy when wtaching TV I'm constantly making spoonerisms inside my head, constantly, normally when people say full names as its 2 words that stand out in the sentance. Sometimes drives my wife insane. My speciality are Match of The Day commentators.

My personal favirotes are Lary Giniker, Brother Simonton and Mo Guybray.

Help me
(Thu 1st Jul 2010, 17:15, More)