» Complaining

I went to my bank to get some money out to pay a garage bill....
and the ATM just laughs at me because there's no cash left in my account. Furious, I stomp into the bank and wait in line huffing and generally ensuring everyone knows I'm pissed off until I get to the teller.
She asks me how she can help today. I, in my best Brian Blessed booming voice, start yelling,
"How can you help? How can you help? How about telling me why I can't get to my cash to pay a bill even though I've had my wages paid into my account every thursday for the last 2 years without fail? Eh? How about you tell me why I can't get at it now?!"
She lifted her left hand and pointed to the calendar and says,
"Probably because it's Wednesday?"

I must have stood there for about a minute before I did the only thing I could do.
"Very well then, I'll see you tomorrow"

A nice old lady just chuckled at me as I tried, and failed, to leave with anything like dignity.
(Thu 2nd Sep 2010, 19:32, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

At work a few years back, one of the girls was going around with mistletoe,
being Xmas everyone was obliged to pucker up.
My colleague was asked "would you kiss me under the mistletoe?"
He responded with "I wouldn't kiss you under general anaesthetic."

Harsh but quick. Never did say where he got it from cos we don't believe he made it up on the spot.
(Fri 25th Nov 2011, 18:59, More)

» What was I thinking?

I had been working a long shift as overtime.....
...my brain was dull and it was nearing the end of the shift so I was thinking of getting home, showering and going to bed. Then one of the machines ground to a halt, some kind of electric motor failure or something. I called the maintenance crew who duly turned up, sucked air through their teeth, made non-committal 'Hmmmmm' noises and decided they'd have to strip it down.
I left them to it and finished my shift.
As I was leaving, I passed through the machine floor to see how they were getting on when I noticed the power switch wasn't locked off. This was achieved by putting a padlock through the handle so it couldn't be turned on by mistake. 'Hey guys, you haven't locked the power switch off!' I yelled as I reached out and turned it just to prove a point........
I turned it on. I reached out and unleashed 415 volts of direct current straight through the hands of the maintenance guy who was fixing the motor.

He got away with a quick air trip to other side of the gangway and shit himself a little, but I just stood there for about 10 minutes repeating the mantra over and over....
'What the fuck was I thinking? I could've killed him!'

Still, makes for a great anecdote when the chance presents itself.
(Mon 27th Sep 2010, 23:31, More)

» Waste of money

18 months ago I dove headlong into my forties....
...Mrs Shmoo decided that I had to have a big bash to celebrate the fact I was officially an old git.

Food and booze cost about £300
Karaoke system hire £90

Aftermath, which only became evident the next morning....
Carpet replacement for puke and fag burns £276
New TV to replace my 40" LCD £465
Three new doors to kitchen units £81
New glass for back door £37
Replacing Master Shmoo's fish which mysteriously died £23
Cleaning services from local 'Bright n Clean' maid service £40

Roughly £1,300 for a party I vaguely remember the first hour of.
(Thu 30th Sep 2010, 19:22, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

Not what it looked like, but what it sounded like....
i got home from work a little earlier than usual to find an empty house. 'Shopping' methinks. . .then I heard it. Moaning from upstairs. Little wincing moans with a slight humming noise in the background.
Admittedly, my first thought was I'd get a free show of my lovely wife pleasuring herself, but then I heard a cry of pain? Pain? Again I could hear this incessant humming followed by gasps, moans and squeals of pain. 'Holy hell,' I thought, 'it's big enough to cause her pain!' My ego was shrinking to a pityful size. If her toy was big enough to cause her pain, and she just kept going, how would I compete?
About 15mins later she appeared in the lounge and threw an object onto the table muttering about 'whoever thought electric epilators were a good idea was a fucking idiot!'
An epilator. Of course! She was removing the hairs from her legs/bikini line and wincing and moaning about the pain of hair removal.

Ego restored but was still slightly disappointed at not getting a show. Nevermind. Maybe next time.
(Fri 10th Dec 2010, 9:51, More)