b3ta.com user conkers deep
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i like woofing and being a fly dude

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» Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make

mmm baths
i enjoy a good long soak in the bath, but when running the bath, i find that i don't have enough patience to sit around watching the bath fill up...so i go do something, come back, and i've filled it up too high...alternatively, i dip my hand in to check the temperature, and fuck me, it's fucking boiling...why don't they invent something to help us poor bath folks in our quest for the perfect dip? like a thermometer and an alarm clock perhaps...
(Thu 8th Apr 2004, 14:21, More)

» Look! It's me in the Local Paper

faslane nuclear submarine base. last summer. early morning (for me anyway). stoned. vague sense of anti-establishment fervour mixed with childish desire to cause fun. ran towards a line of police to try and block the road. got pushed onto grass by coppers. was on six o'clock news. am not proud, just confused. why??
(Thu 17th Feb 2005, 1:46, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

i remember once, i must have been about eight years old, and my mum served me up some ice cream and apple pie...i ran off from the table squealing with disgust to empty the contents of my mouth into the sink...for some reason, still unknown to me, a bit of raw onion had got into the dessert...to make matters worse, my mum then proceeded to rebuke me for my table manners, and when i tried to give my excuse, she told me i was a liar and demanded that i explain why raw onion might have been served up for me...the joys of childhood...my grandma once made gravy out of marmite...fair enough, i'm no culinary genius, but surely that's wrong...gravy, yes...marmite, a resounding no...
(Mon 12th Jul 2004, 17:11, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

slightly unsuitable
not sure if this applies but me and my mate were feeling quite pissed at our local 'scream' club and decided to spice up the evening by playing a little game with the unsuspecting bouncers. we smoked several joints in the middle of the club, the catch being that we had to pass the joint as the security blokes passed. needless to say, we looked big, hard and clever...
(Thu 1st Apr 2004, 19:00, More)

» Irrational Fears

this is a little on the fucked-up side...i am quite scared of random tramps stabbing me with disease-infected hypodermic needles...but why? whatever gave me the idea that people actually do that? got 14 piercings and plan more so more likely to be infected by one of those rapscallions...

also, can i propose a motion that would ban rats? no need for rats at all. horrible horrible squeaky creatures who will eat through anything and oh god no...

also, big one now, those "holiday from hell" documentaries when some fat bloke came back off holiday with an earache and had weird shit living in his ear (you can replace ear with any orifice)

oh and the idea of worms living in your body too...what the fuck was god thinking if he created all these things?

sorry for the length >.<
(Tue 27th Jan 2004, 20:15, More)
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