» It's Not What It Looks Like!

A true narrative of what happened to my brother and his girlfriend
So my brother takes his girlfriend camping. They are both in their mid forties, my mum had two marriages and I'm the youngest of the latter one.

Anywho they set off for the camping site with tent and air bed and other camping paraphernalia and when they arrive it's quite quiet. They pitch the tent in a nice quiet little spot and decide to go for a walk to the local shops to buy some wine and beers. They get back and proceed to get rather merry in the tent and time goes by so it ends up being quite late by the time they think about going to sleep and fail to notice, whilst using the portaloos, that the camp site has filled up and their nice quiet spot is not so quiet anymore.

Well his girlfriend insists that they must blow up the airbed now, even though that are both rather well pickled. She couldnt possibly sleep on the floor for one night. So my brother starts blowing up the inflatable mattress. Once it's nearly done he asks her how firm she wants the bed to be.

Brother: how's that?
Gf: oh it's getting quite firm now, can you get it a bit harder?
B: sure I can. (pause) how about now?
Gf: oh that's lovely and hard now. I don't like them soft. Do you think it'll stay up all night?
B: well if you don't flop up and down on it too much it shouldnt go down too much. Just try and be a bit gentle. I haven't used it in a while so I'm not sure how it will behave, it might leak.

So off to sleep they go. In the morning they wake up and are getting various looks from their camping neighbours. Looks ranging from amusement to disgust. Sure it had been late when they put the bed up but not so late that all those camping close enough had heard the entire exchange, innocent as it may have been. They are not sure why they are getting these looks until they think back through the fog of the hangover to the night before and realisation dawns. They moved their tent that morning.

To this day if I want to embarrass my brother I just have to mention blow up beds.
(Fri 10th Dec 2010, 23:21, More)

» Tactless

School orchestra comedy act. Or is it?
Apologies for length. Second thoughts my dad never apologiesed for anything so neither shall i!
My dear old dad was a funny 'un. He was always smiling, telling some stupid or rude joke or singing some rude song (that if being sung in the earshot of someone he considered too young to hear rude lyrics he edited spur of the moment) he really was a joker. He also came out with inappropriate comments at the worst times.

Inappropriate occasion #1.
at a school achievement evening where parents gathered around the stage and watched the head teacher distribute certificates to those who did well that year my parents sat in the audience to watch my sister get her certificates for outstanding performance. Other contributions to the evening were a short comedy sketch curtesy of gcse drama dept. Also a performance by the school orchestra. There sit my parents enjoying their evening my dad chuckling away to the comedy sketch. Then starts the orchestra. My school orchestra were not talented. Maybe some of the members if playing solo would have been passable but together they were awful. God awful. Out of tune, out of time really outstandingly bad. The audience is embarrassed. How to react to this, clearly what the school thinks of with pride is being seen by the parents as the worst performance ever, what happened to the music lessons they paid for??? The end of the "music" finally arrives and no one is sure what to do, some scattered clapping. My dad however still thinks it's part of the comedy sketch from earlier (I mean you could only play that badly on purpose surely? It couldn't have been a serious attempt!) he stands up laughing and clapping shouting about how great it was by far the funniest thing he had seen in ages! He receives some odd looks before he sits down still chuckling. At that point my mum tells him that that wasn't the comedy sketch. My dad then loudly proclaims that he doesn't care it was still bloody hilarious.

Occasion #2

In an Indian airport during the early 80s he was at customs with his duty free. Next to him at the desk was a German couple (my dad hated Germans 'cos of the war (sorry Germans but I'm afraid you did bomb his aunties chip shop and for that you will never be forgiven!)). He see the couple finish their business and pick up their duty free bag to leave and realises that the bag the gentleman is holding is in fact my dads!
Dad: excuse me, that's my duty-free.
German : nein nein mine heir ich mine.
Dad: no it's mine.
German nein. Ich mine.
D: no it's mine! I can see what's in it and its definitely mine!! Give it back!
G: (some German beyond my dads comprehension)! Ich mine!!!
At this point the German is ( as my dad put it) "smiling all over his kraut face and hugging MY duty-free to his chest!"
G: ich mine, mien heir!
My dad grabs his expensive looking jacket collar and headbutts him in the face. (plump German woman jumping up and down like a rubber ball at this point)
The shocked bleeding German gent jabbers some German and points to the floor where sits my dads duty free untouched where he left it. My dads reaction? An apology? No. Through gritted teeth he snarls "well it looked like mine"

Oh dad. You idiot.

And this goes to prove that we really are like our parents.
At my uncles funeral (I must have been about 4) the pall bearers put the open casket coffin containing uncle on to a trolley type thing for the duration of the service. I loudly giggle and pipe up "look at uncle les in the wheel barrow with all the flowers on him!" my dad thinks this is hilarious as does mum my deceased uncles sister and even my deceased uncle would have wet himself with laughter at this. Tutts and shaken heads from the other side of the church. Ah well I expect I'll end up coming out with more tactless and inappropriate comments soon enough.
(Fri 4th Nov 2011, 16:50, More)