» B3TA fixes the world

A nice round 20
1. All cars to be replaced by the ones from Bugsy Malone. The current car manufacturers can continue to come up with beautiful looking cars, they're just powered by the occupants.
2. Asylum can only be granted at the British Consulate in your current country of residence.
3. The current dreary National Anthem will be replaced by 'If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.'
4. When England play New Zealand at Rugby after the Haka[sp?] we give them 3 verses of ‘Heads, shoulders, knees and toes’. Spectator participation is mandatory.
5. Those who actively participate in criminality are declared ‘outlaws’ and therefore have no protection from it. Therefore giving an outlaw a hefty boot in the goolies is perfectly legal.
6. The NHS is to be only available to those who pay into it.
7. All phone numbers are recorded for television contests. If you phone more than once your vote no longer counts but you are still charged.
8. Anyone who wants to be a politician is automatically banned from becoming one. MP’s are picked randomly from the population and have a 2 year contract.
9. Carrying on from the above, motions put before the house (phnarr) have to be in the form of closed questions. It is discussed in the same day then they vote on it.
10. All electrical goods should have a proper ‘off’ switch. Manufacturers who have a red light on to tell you it’s off have to pay a hefty fine.
11. Live outdoor broadcasters have to tell dickheads in the background ‘waving at mum’ to ‘fuck off’ live on air.
12. ASBO’s are replaced with a 3 year tour in the army.
13. You can’t get onto the beach until you can put a deckchair together in under 8 seconds.
14. Only bright colours are allowed at funerals.
15. The National Curriculum is to be replaced with ‘The Dangerous Book for Boys’.
16. Anyone over 65 is not allowed out between 12pm and 3pm.
17. Unlucky people are not allowed to sue for compensation.
18. The BBC news/weather is only delivered from the studio and newsreaders wear evening dress damn it.
19. Bailed out banks cannot pay bonuses to employees, or dividends to investors till they have paid back to the taxpayers what they owe.
20. TitanLX is banned from reading the Daily Mail.
(Thu 22nd Sep 2011, 16:05, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

I pulled off three men in a boat in under 2 minutes
I love playing charades.
(Wed 15th Dec 2010, 10:02, More)

» Trolls

I didn't know it but I dated a troll once
She'd lost her front teeth in an bike accident. The nice dentist fixed it with a couple of fake gnashers glued to the teeth either side.
She gobbled me down when I came over her bridge.
(Thu 19th May 2011, 12:41, More)

» Bedroom Disasters

Warning, this story contains a model
To be precise a 1:24 Airfix Mosquito. I was happily painting the pilots chair when I was called down for dinner. In my eagerness for noms I mustn't have noticed I'd knocked over the paint tin. I did notice it when I went back into the room though. I used up all the paint thinner and paper towels I had but I couldn't get the worst of it out.
The property we were in at the time was rented and she’d had new carpets fitted just before we’d moved in so I was imagining the deposit disappearing. However, I wasn’t going to let £900 go without an attempt to fix it. Having plenty of paints I tried to cover it with a colour as close to the carpet colour. Surprise surprise, I made it 10x worse.
In a panic I tried bleach. This really fucked the carpet up. I was left with a crusty bleached patch in the carpet that looked like I’d had one off the wrist in there every day since we’d moved in.
Our landlady suddenly served us notice so I had 2 months to fix it or lose the deposit.
Using duct tape to pull the pile away from the offending area I measured and cut out the mess of carpet with a scalpel. I then moved the wardrobe and cut out a piece exactly the same size and very carefully glued it into place. If you got on your hands and knees you could see where I’d glued it but other than that it looked perfect. With the wardrobe covering the hole in the carpet no one would know till the furniture is moved.
We moved out last month and we’ve gotten the full deposit back.
I’m waiting for a very angry phone call at some point.
(Thu 23rd Jun 2011, 16:51, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Another altar server story
Being a short arse I didn't often get to swing the thurible (incense burner) during mass as it got bloody heavy after 1/2 hour and I usually kept smacking it into the floor. Anyhow, on one occasion I was somehow picked to be the bearer, at the end of the service as I turned to leave the altar, the backswing arced out and cracked poor old Fr. M in the shin. His muttered 'Ow, fuck' would have only been heard by the altar servers if he'd only switched off his radio mike but it was projected round the whole church.
I was never allowed near the incense burner again.
(Mon 5th Sep 2011, 17:20, More)