b3ta.com user Goon
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Bit of a goon really.

I don't post much on b3ta now though, I prefer reading all your witticisms :)

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» Why should you be fired from your job?

My old job
How we never got the sack from the supermarket where I used to work is a complete mystery, honestly.

The warehouse was on two split levels - the food bit at the bottom, and the non food bit at the top. Used to work on the non-food bit, meaning there were always footballs/cricket bats/remote controlled cars/frisbees/TVs/scooters to be mucking about on. Once, during a massive game of football, someone kicked the ball over the wall thing that stopped you falling off the edge into the underneath food area (by the way, health and safety would have an absolute FIELD DAY in this place). No worries, we thought, happened pretty often and the forklift drivers normally booted it back up for us. Not today.

Just so happened that there was a big managers' meeting thing going on underneath us (in a warehouse?! yeah - i know!) and the ball had flown over the edge, and bounced down right next to these top-bods, interrupting their brown nosing, and scaring the absolute crap out of them.

What did we do? We used the years of skiving and playing manhunt in the enormous warehouse to our advantage when the massive (and i mean MASSIVE) juggernaut of a store manager comes HURTLING up the stairs, looking for culprits. We had all hidden in the stock - people were under the shelves, on top of the racking, inside TV boxes - it was a total JOKE the places we picked, how we werent found is beyond me. Plus, you always get that feeling when you know you CAN'T laugh or you'll be in deep shit. Makes you want to laugh more and more and more. You all know the one!

The only guy left not hiding (and wasnt even playing football) was the retarded guy whose job it was was to put out batteries, and he just said it "fell off the racks at the top" rather than dob us in. Looking back he maybe wasn't so retarded.

Still laugh about this now. Good times.

Edit: This is probably my longest QOTW post, so in all sincerity, apologies for length!!
(Mon 13th Aug 2007, 15:25, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

Due to being a poor student etc etc, i work part time at the large ASDA superstore near me. I work on the "seasonal" department - barbeques in the summer, christmas trees in the winter and so on.
Anyway, i was stacking away camping equipment onto some shelves with a female colleague when a rather irate looking gent walks in our direction. The said colleague proceeds to deal with the complaint made by said customer.
It turns out that he had wanted to buy a cheap tent to go camping in - he picked one off the shelf and paid for it, then straight from the shop went camping in North Wales (he had done some shopping for food too). Living in Portsmouth, this is obviously quite some way to travel without prior knowledge of your tent.

It turns out that this bloke had actually picked up a folding canvas CHAIR which had been put on the wrong space on the shelf, not even bothered to check the receipt due to his enthusiastic want of getting away, and gone all the way to North Wales with only a small camping chair to camp underneath!

I had to go round the corner to the next aisle due to a severe attack of laughter, the colleague followed me after dealing with the complaint and we couldn't stand up for laughing.

I'm just glad he didn't complain to me, would have laughed in his face!
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 12:11, More)

» Stupid Dares

I dared my best mate to go sit on the roof of the school by climbing up the fire escapes, which he did.

They had to cordon the playground off, and try to talk him down, apparently they thought he was going to commit suicide.

That was a proper good day, we all got let home early.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 12:18, More)

» Evil Pranks

On holiday with my mates this year, cracking time and some funny funny memories.

There were 6 of us in total, and we decided at the start of our 2 weeks that we'd book and pay up for a few excursion type things, you know, typical holiday stuff. One of which was to go to the local waterpark.

Anyway, we end up on our way to this Turkish waterpark, and my mate Mark decides to tell us he can't swim. Never had his head under the water in all his life. The rest of us in our minds are all thinking the same thing, "we must learn him good and proper".

Cue a few hours later, loads of dangerous sliding later, loads of sunburn later, we convince Mark to come down one of the "safer" flumes with us, it was a 2-man one where you sat on a dingy and flew down dark tunnels and stuff. We tell him, "its fine mark, theres no way you're gonna fall out at the end into the water, its fine".

We waited at the bottom for him.

I have never laughed so hard in all my life.

He was sat on the back of the dingy and another of the holidaymakers, Kylie, was sat on the front. As soon as the boat touches the water at the bottom, the physics of Mark being heavier than Kylie came into effect and things went mental. Mark came flying catapulting off the back of the boat, flying a good 10 feet in the air, and I tell you the look on his face will stay with me til i die. He ended up going under the (fairly shallow) water, and then the panic set in.

Lifeguard jumped in and pulled him out, he was all shaky and pale for about half an hour.

He still hasnt forgiven us for that.

"Safer" ride my arse.
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 16:01, More)

» Take my Mother-in-law...

I dont have a mother in law, so heres one on behalf of my mum:
My Dad's Mum threatened to hire a hitman to kill my Mum if they tried to turn up for my Dad's Dads funeral.

Yeah. Pretty bad as things go.
(Thu 8th Sep 2005, 17:45, More)
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