b3ta.com user Mud the Far Car
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» Brain Fade

I went to use the toilet for a number 2
pre-flow, todger-in-hand, I looked down to check my aim. I was stood over the bin in my kitchen. Ran to the toilet to find that I'd put some rubbish in there.

EDIT - Got me numbers mixed up! I were doin' a number 1 in the bin. That'll learn me for trying to be polite rather than just say piss...
(Fri 22nd Mar 2013, 11:31, More)

» Funerals II

My Gramp died 4 years ago
Before he had a stroke, and lost his ability to talk, he had always joked with my Mum about his funeral arrangements.

Nobody was to wear black, everyone had to be as colourful as possible.

He was a big fan of Queen and had chosen two songs he wanted played:
'Who Wants to Live Forever' while his coffin was wheeled into the crem.
'Don't Stop Me Now' as his coffin was conveyed into the furnace at the end of the surface.

Unfortunately I missed the funeral because I was out of the country, but apparently it was a fantastic day. A real celebration of his life rather than a mourning of his death.
(Mon 15th Apr 2013, 8:14, More)

» The Naughty Step

My mother was always quite creative with her punishments...
Because I skid-marked my pants she made me wear my sister's knickers for the day.

After wrecking my school shorts one too many times (sliding on the grass) she bought the worst looking shorts from a charity shop and made me wear them to school. Old man shorts that were almost as big as me.

When I refused to have a shower she stripped me naked and locked me out of the house in the middle of the day.

I was always warned what the repercussions of my actions would be. My response? "Yeah yeah, you wouldn't dare". She did dare, every time.

When I become a parent I am going to have so much fun creating all kinds of weird and whacky punishments when my kids misbehave.
(Thu 7th Feb 2013, 16:05, More)

» Saying the Unsayable

A friend of mine once plucked up the courage to tell me...
...that anything I ever do in life, he could do a better job of it.
(Mon 14th Jan 2013, 14:57, More)

» Morning After Souvenirs

Woke up in the school staffroom with no memory of how I got there...
It was ten to eight and my first lesson started at 8.

I got up, walked into my lesson and taught two periods of A level physics, pretty badly I should imagine.

I didn't have any souvenirs but nearly lost my job for that one. Silly twunt.
(Wed 2nd May 2012, 15:35, More)
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