b3ta.com user DubstepBetty
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» Meeting people from the internet

Dr Who?
As my pathetic desire for some male company overcame my shame at delving into the murky depths of internet dating I signed up for the holy grail of saddos, losers and psychos...plenty of Fish. However after a date with a man with false teeth and a man who sat down, leant across the table and said "if you sleep with me tonight i won't think you were a slut" when I hadn't even finished my first pint and we were talking about the M5 being awfully congested, I'd pretty much given up. However one night, I hit paydirt. 5 years older than me? Great. Good looking? Great. Funny witty and clever? Great AND a doctor. result! After two weeks of chatting and flirting online we decided to meet up. Much excitement was felt as I primped, preened, ironed me best top, waxed my tashe and all the other girlie things women do pre date. As I walked towards the pub I saw a man who looked 'vaguely' like my beau but squished and left out in the rain. He obviously recognised me though and came bounding over. "OK" i thought " don't be shallow. People always choose a flattering pic." We went to a pub and had a pint and we talked...dull, grinding, inane chat with him looking at me with dead eyes. "So!" I wittered "medicine! Bet that's exciting" "I dunno if I'll do it anymore" he grunted "can't fit it in. I work in a photocopier shop funny hours." "Erm..how do you fit being a doctor in?" "Oh I do St John's ambulance but my mum said girls fancy doctors. She's the one who sent you all them messages. I'm not very good with that sort of bullshit" i didn't even finish my scratchings.
(Thu 20th Oct 2011, 16:25, More)

» Bedroom Disasters

My seven year old brother was obsessed with snooker.....
...and begged and pleaded for a table for his birthday. Mum and dad told him it was too expensive but had in fact bought him one and the plan was that it would be unveiled with great ceremony on the morning of his birthday. The only flaw in this cunning plan was that it needed to be assembled and then stored so being a very kind much older sister I suggested that it was put in my bedroom over night. I was off out for a mate's party and when I came home severely bevvied up at 3am my mum was not suprised to hear bangs and crashes from my room as I fell over the bloody thing. What she was suprised to see however was a drunken me sitting over the corner pocket, convinced I was in the toilet, having an enormous slash all over the baize.
(Sat 25th Jun 2011, 21:30, More)

» School Naughtiness

Remembered another one...sorry...
I'm a teacher. Don't hate me. Sat with my mate the school librarian eating our sandwiches keeping an eye on the empty library through the one way glass window. Small boy aged about 11 enters the library, furtively looks around, unzips his fly and proceeds to walk along the rows of books wiping his penis along the spines. Zips up, throws rucksack over shoulder and is gone before I have chance to put down my pasty and apprehend him.
(Fri 9th Sep 2011, 1:52, More)

» School Naughtiness

Soggy biscuits...
Not QUITE on topic but naughty and in school..
In ALL schools there is an invisible line between the 'teachers' and the 'support staff' with the former regarding the latter as thicko skivvies and the latter regarding the former as middle class over paid ungrateful wankers. As a teacher but being a hard drinking working class potty mouth I am mates mostly with the secretarial staff but have a foot in both camps. Teachers are like students (tea, coffee and milk guarded with postit notes that may as well have said "I have a tiny cock") but the teaching staff had a tradition that on your birthday you filled the 'birthday biscuits' tin up to celebrate. Sue (office staff) came in the staff room to pin up a notice and helped herself to a 'birthday biscuit' The next day some anal retentive had put up a notice "Birthday biscuits are for teaching staff. Office staff have their own tin. Thank you" This was pretty much agreed as fair and not petty at all. A few moments later i received a mysterious text "DO NOT EAT THE STAFF ROOM BISCUITS". Sue would not elaborate but I resisted. TWO YEARS later when pissed up she confessed to me that she had smuggled the biscuit tin out of the staff room, inserted each biscuit into her vagina and then replaced it.
(Fri 9th Sep 2011, 0:36, More)

» Racist grandparents

Who on earth thought this was a good idea?
Shame on you B3ta...letting the nethanderals out of their cages under the guise 'my grandad said it so it's funny' er,,,no it's not
(Thu 27th Oct 2011, 19:05, More)
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