b3ta.com user Wilton Mitrowserz
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Kinda ... low.

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» PE Lessons

True suffering
I switched schools halfway through secondary school from a crap school to a slightly less crap school.

In crap school, boys winter sports were football and extreme ice snowballing (only one of which was officially sanctioned). The rules to both are pretty simple, even for someone like myself with *zero* interest in taking part in outdoor sports.

In slightly less crap school, boys winter sports were rugby and more rugby. The rules of rugby are, as far as I can discern, made up on the spot. Even if they are actually written down somewhere, having joined halfway through the voyage of discovery of rugby most of my fellow boys were embarked on, I didn't have the first clue what they might be.

So on my first trip to the rugby pitch (which was frozen harder than concrete), in the snow and wind and so on, I wasn't very good. I did a few things wrong, which had names I didn't understand, like "knock on" and "offside" and "what the fuck?!". Not being a very big chap I also suffered somewhat in the not-getting-the-shit-kicked-out-of-me sub-game that seems to be an integral part of rugby.

Anyway, my PE teacher eventually flipped, had a five minute rant at me for being a stupid, pathetic boy. As his punishment he sent me to play volleyball in the warm sports hall with a bunch of fresh, pink, bouncy 14/15-year-old girls in gym-skirts. This ultimate humiliation, he explained, would teach me what being a man was all about. In that he wasn't wrong, though probably not quite in the ways he intended. I would, he foamed, never play rugby on his pitch again, and would for the rest of my days be banished during the winter months to the warm sports hall, with those damned girls in those damned gym skirts and bouncy bits. Bouncy, bouncy.

I still don't understand the rules of rugby. Volleyball on the other hand I still have a bit of a hard-spot for. Thanks Mr Pugh :)
(Mon 23rd Nov 2009, 19:02, More)

» Little Victories II

I think you'll find...
...that it's Driving an Honda Accord. As in driving an Honda Accord to an hotel for an holiday with an hooker.

So there you go. My littlest victory is channeling the spirit of Angela Ripon and the BBC to correct an commoner on the Internet. Can one have an huzzah??!
(Thu 26th Mar 2015, 20:34, More)

» Awesome teachers

Health and Safety (Sparta Branch)
Mr Pawsey was awesome. Had we known, at the age of about eleven, the meaning of the term we'd've probably nick-named him 'Cerebral'. In that classic eleven-year-old-using-words-you-don't-really-understand kind of way.

Mr P was a PE teacher. He also taught other subjects, such as maths, but only because that's the sort of thing that PE teachers (used to) have to do back then. I don't know if it's different these days, but it certainly should be. Mr P's grasp of maths didn't go much beyond writing down the algebraic equation for a five-nil thrashing at hockey. This did seem to involve a lot of thrashing and not much algebra, and as a consequence I've since always whinced at the term "sports science".

His one major contribution to the up-bringing of both myself and my contemporaries, however, was his selfless demonstration of how dangerous it is to stand down-wind of an 11-year-old javelin thrower whilst not paying attention to where the javelins are going. There were, he said, many things that could distract you but that you should always be careful and watch where the javelin was going. He was very adamant about this, and we were very attentive.

Well, you can probably guess the rest. Fortunately for Mr P he was standing side-on so the javelin only passed through the bridge of his nose from right to left, rather than him getting it in the eyeball front-to-back HaroldKing1066_LOL-style. As far as I'm aware none of the class present that day has since had any similar type of incident involving rogue javelins piercing, or even merely grazing, any part of their skull. Or anywhere else on their body.

Thanks Mr P, for taking it in the face for the young boys :)
(Thu 17th Mar 2011, 19:24, More)

» Best and worst TV ads

Wide wheels
Am I showing my age here?

(Thu 15th Apr 2010, 21:17, More)