I quite often dress as Alexei Sayle and hang around in the northbound car park of Keele Services on the M6

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 26 Mar 2015, 13:43, 5 replies)

keyvoarb
Founb thes fantaxtic keyvoarb in a sxip.'#
(mallyjoe, Thu 26 Mar 2015, 19:03, 1 reply)

Spotted an Old Speckled Hen Mini Keg, 5 Litres, for a tenner at Asda one night last year.
That's £6 off! Scooped it up, frowned a bit at the bill as it didn't seem right...

Shrugged, bore it home, opened it, drank the lot with Mr Quar, took a look at the till receipt next morning, noticed that I'd only been charged ONE POUND!

Yup, that's a quid for 5 litres of Hen. Lovely.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 18:02, 14 replies)

A couple of months ago
I successfully gave my name to one of those "your computer has viruses" cold-callers as Mr Jack Meoff.
(cs1ca, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:25, 3 replies)

Chicken Slices
In my packet of Sainsbury's 5 chicken slices, there were actually 6 slices.
(l0bst3r, Thu 26 Mar 2015, 13:29, 1 reply)

a little while ago i hadn't gotten around to renewing my oyster card, so i was in the queue to top it up
there were 2 machines, and i wasn't sure if the 2 people in front of me were together or not. i leaned forward to ask, at which point the man behind me sighed loudly and barged past me to use one of the machines. i was furious enough to break the code of the tube, and spoke out loud.

"what do you think you're doing? there's a queue."

"you were taking too long," he shrugged.

"I WAS BEING POLITE. SOMETHING YOU COULD DO WITH," i seethed, and went to use the other machine as it had come free. 1 minute later, i had finished. to my glee, the twat was still struggling to complete his transaction.

"now that's taking too long," i said sweetly, and left him stewing and still struggling to shove his manky coins into the machine. the words "fuck" and "off" may have followed me down the stairs to the platform, but that was one more fuck than i gave.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 14:11, 17 replies)

I had such a grudge
against the members of a popular website, that I kept a record of all their failures for years to use against them. I had my victory when the amusing (even if embellished) stories mostly stopped, many regulars left, and tumbleweeds blew in.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Tue 31 Mar 2015, 21:13, 3 replies)

Corporate Shit. Literally.
I work in a big multi-national. As befits a company that ‘values innovation and risk-takers’, the company values neither. Naturally, progression is made by covering your back and sucking up to the right people.

Nevertheless, being the blooded-minded fool that I am, I joined the Innovation Forum - mostly because it looked good on my end-of-year review (another tragic truth of today’s working environment is that you need only be mediocre at your actual job; doing unimportant and unrelated tat is seen as going beyond the call of duty, apparently).

After a lot of badgering, I finally managed to get a suggestion through the claustrophobic layers of management. My amazing suggestion? That inviting clients to see your shiny new showcase head office is not much good if you then direct to ‘freshen up’ in cesspit bathrooms built in the 1950’s for 50% fewer staff.

Forthwith, the shabby bathrooms (with their gross yellowed walls, fouled bogs and overflowing drifts of used paper towels) were replaced by the latest in shiny, new ‘rest facilities’.

But was this my minor victory? It was not.

As with all big multinational that will cheerfully waste millions, it will surprise no-one that they penny-pinch in the dumbest ways. The cheapest contractor was hired for these new ‘rest facilities’ – one which didn’t bother to properly align the doors on the new bogs, meaning the bolt couldn’t be shot into place.

And being an ‘innovative’ company, the rest of the sheeple simply didn’t have the wherewithal to try – for example – sticking their foot under the gap of the door and lifting it slightly, thereby letting the bolt slide neatly into place.

Therefore, for months, I basically had my own executive toilet.

That was my little victory. And it was bliss.

The roomiest, newest cubicle in the building was all mine! No longer did I suffering the strange, sphincteral offerings of my barely house-trained colleagues, who seemingly had an arsehole designed to spray their revolting goo everywhere but down the pan. No more odd hair, no more bastards using the bog as a urinal, and spraying piss all over the seat (why do people do this?).

I could swan into ‘my’ cubicle with complete confidence of both cleanliness and peace, guaranteed that the seat of my throne had been graced by no-one’s butt-cheeks but mine. Honestly, tiny though it might seem, its difficult to describe the sheer satisfaction of taking a dump in such environs.

I was crushed when my reign ended, and the doors were fixed.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 13:40, 19 replies)

About 14 years ago, I fitted £100 worth of double glazing in someone's house but told them it was worth £2500 and that they'd have to pay a 10% deposit.


Winnar.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Sun 29 Mar 2015, 20:28, Reply)

I've just put one over on Virgin Trains
I bought a return ticket and I'm not going back.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 26 Mar 2015, 20:08, 2 replies)

This particular victory was a glorious one.
I AM A FUCKING HERO.
Or I would be if this happened
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

A long time ago I was in the pub, meeting up with my ex-wife/supermodel's dad and new wife. God, she was such a fucking WHORE BITCH, first thing she did was undress me with her eyes, next thing was to buy me a drink. I'd already had six cans of spesh by then so I asked the FUCKING WHOREBAG to get me a triple scotch.

Fuck me, they were arseholes. They bought me more drinks and asked me back to their house, by now FUCKING WHORE BITCH was sucking me off with her eyes and it was really fucking annoying, with barely contained rage I accepted.

I'm not going to tell you what happened next but lets just say the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER got all shirty and that. After I'd pulled my trousers back up he asked me to "please leave."

As I stood outside on the lawn, swaying, red-faced and screaming YOUFUCKINGSHITWHORECUNT, I swore I would have my revenge.

AND I DID.

Through many improbable and un-specified means I gained entry to their house and played a few light-hearted japes on them. JUST TO SHOW THEM WHO THE FUCK THE BOSS IS!!111!1!1!!!!

1) I bitch-punched a goat to death in their basement and hung its intestines like FUCKING BUNTING.

2) Made copies of their keys and posted them to every address in the WORLD, so any fucker could come round and do what they liked.

3) I shat in their boiler 384 times. HAVE FUN WASHING YOUR HANDS BITCHES.

4) Rigged their shower so it would spray blue dye over them. I admit, I may have watched Private Benjamin a few times. GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT YOU NONCE?!?!?

5) Put cobras in all the radiators, hungry cobras with FUCKINGWHORECUNT sprayed on them with cobra blood. Have fun regulating your heating now! LOLOLOLOLOLOL ROFL.

6) Repeatedly fired an Elephant gun at the mains water system, so it would leak and no-one would know why.

7) Placed paintpots filled with acid above every door in the house, leaving the doors slightly ajar. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT YOU CUNTS.

8) Squashed kebabs into every light fitting in the house. Filled every wall cavity with Kebabs, fuck I even shoved kebabs up their eldest daughter while she was asleep.

9) Took all the taps out the house and replaced them with knobs I tore off children's corpses in the local morgue. SO EVERYONE IN THAT HOUSE IS A NECRO-NONCE.

10) Fill every lock in the house with fire ants. Real fucking angry fire ants. I told those fire ants that THEFUCKINGBITCHWHORE hated ants and always called ants GAYS.

and the one that clinched the deal...

11) Re-programmed a sky satellite to only spew out low grade Albanian porn to the house before firing A DEATH LASER at them.

as it turned out they were SO FUCKING STUPID they didn't even realise what happened. THEFUCKINGWHOREBAG cried every night, and the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER had a massive heart attack, brought on by cobra venom.

THAT'LL FUCKING TEACH HIM TO TELL ME TO GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE FOR TRYING TO GIVE HIS FUCKINGBITCHWHORE WIFE WHAT SHE SO CLEARLY WANTED!!111!!111!!11!!!!!

if you think I am a cunt then click "I like this"

I'M NOT A CUNT THOUGH CAUSE THIS WAS A WHILE AGO AND I WENT ON A ROLLERCOASTER AT ALTON TOWERS AND HAVE GROWN 1 INCH SINCE THEN.

FUCK YOU ALL YOU CUNTS.
(McChinaman banned, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 21:58, 17 replies)

Sacked
I went thru a bad period in my life (divorce and depression) and the large corporation I worked for helped me out no end by engineering a reason for my dismissal (basically, they trolled through my inbox and found about 25 'personal emails' in over a decade of work, which they said was a clear breach of policy and a security threat).

After two horrible months claiming JSA, I decided to go freelance.

This financial year I made £5,000 more than my salary when I was sacked, doing something I enjoy, getting out of bed when I want, not having a commute and not having to play stupid office politics.

Tis lovely.
(iwrite4u, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 16:59, 8 replies)

DIY cunts
I was doing up the nursery before the arrival of our daughter. Went to B&Q in Beijing and got three tins of paint, brushes, thinners, etc. At the till there were three guys "operating" it, in the traditional council way of one working and two watching. Guy on the till says there was a barcode missing on one of the brushes.

"Oh," I say.

"You need to get another brush."

"Surely one of you can do it," I say.

They look at me utterly dumbfounded. Customer service is a concept that's utterly alien in China, like not hawking up your phlegm and splurting it everywhere. "Oh no..." he says. "We are all needed here."

OK, whatever. Sure you are. I go and hunt down the brush. I return to pay for my goods. Dumbass on the till only charges me for one pot of paint. And I say nothing and leave.
(McChinaman banned, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 10:43, Reply)

I got
about £2500 worth of double glazing done on my house about 14 years ago, I paid 10% deposit, the work got done, and I never got a bill for the remainder.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 29 Mar 2015, 15:24, Reply)

I saw a guy walking ahead of me, wearing fucking shorts in the middle of winter on a Monday morning.
Fucking shorts!

As I got closer and overtook him, two coppers emerged from a side street, and stopped him for a "chat". I nodded to myself as I walked on by, satisfied that the long arm of the law had caught up with him, and that he would be dealt with appropriately.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:24, 8 replies)

Karma Kashpoint
While strolling around New York, being a total tourist, I saw a guy selling CD-Walkmans from a suitcase, for $20. This was back when CD-Walkmans were desirable consumer tech, of course, rather than laughable museum pieces, and worth a lot more than $20.

Now, I strongly suspected that these were dodgy in some way - stolen, broken, whatever - even though they appeared to be in new packaging. Even so, for reasons I don't fully understand, I decided to get one - just for the experience, really.

Back at the hotel, I had a closer look. The "New Packaging" was actually just the headphones - the player itself had been shrink-wrapped onto this, so it looked like a single bubble-pack. And, you'll be amazed to hear, it didn't work.

Oh well, I thought, that's £12 I won't see again. But I was wrong - half an hour later I found $20 on the sidewalk.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:53, 10 replies)

This one was a well deserved win.
I'm on my kid's school Parent's and Citizens committee. We HAD a closed-group facebook page.

Bad idea I know - at the time of it's inception everyone was happy-go-lucky and optimistic. That changed as soon as the cunts started slagging off every post on there.

It really came down to one particular woman who would leave a P&C meeting, go home, get drunk and then start gossiping to everyone about what had gone on - most of it either completely made up or grossly exaggerated. The level and amount of shit this woman (and her dopey husband) slung around was phenomenal. She was scathing and downright nasty about anyone who raised an issue at a meeting (although never to their faces) and held court with a group of mummies most afternoons at school whilst waiting for the bell to go. The stuff I heard that was said was often cringe-worthy in content and level of bullshit.

I wasn't that involved but I did cop some shit, compared with some of the things that were said about other members that she'd singled out - I got away relatively easy. I'd suggested at one point that myself and a few of the dads on the Grounds Committee could knock together a paving job that needed doing. This woman's pissed husband jumped on fb and said it would be "a half-arsed job for a half-arsed school." Seriously? Why the fuck does he have his kids at the school if that's genuinely how he feels about it? Who the fuck slags off their own kids' school on facebook to other members of that school's community?

When it came to this years AGM one of the first motions we put forward and passed (unanimously) was to shut the page down. There were quite a few of this woman's 'followers' at the meeting and as it transpired they learnt a few home truths about what she'd been saying and they finally got the other side of the story. Suffice to say a lot of them were not only apologetic but also quite pissed off with her for having lied to them. Apparently a few of them took it upon themselves to divest themselves of her friendship in a rather public way later that week at school.

I've noticed that the little court of gossip she used to hold each day outside her kid's class is somewhat... singular these days. I've also noticed she has a great deal of hardship looking quite a few people in the eyes as she walks dejectedly around school as well.

Now I like to think I'm not a vindictive or unnecessarily malicious person. But... Karma's a bitch ain't it Mel?
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 9:54, 7 replies)

Cycling in the cycle lane one evening,
I was overtaken by two twats on mopeds, who buzzed me so closely that I almost fell off my bike.

Saw them both again about half a mile down the strip getting ticketed by traffic police for being in the cycle lane in the first place.

Basked in the splendidly petty glow of smugness that ensued.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 9:39, Reply)

While out driving last week I saw my old school bully walking down the road.
Stopped and had a catch up. He seems to have grown up to be a thoroughly nice bloke, good for him.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 17:45, 22 replies)

We ordered new kitchen
Kitchen called "Solid Oak" but when it arrived clearly wasn't. I went back to the store and showed them my quotes that said solid oak only to be told that "Solid Oak" is just the name for the kitchen. I was asked "You wouldn't expect the white ivory kitchen to be actual ivory would you?" I told them that I would if it were called solid ivory, that solid oak was what we wanted and requested and to come and take the kitchen back as we didn't want it. I asked them how they could get away with it and was quite brazenly told that there was a disclaimer in the catalogue. After a couple of calls to Citizens Advice they buckled and offered to replace the side panels, doors, plinths etc with the solid oak at no extra cost. I asked if they would collect the old stuff and they replied that anything we don't unpack we can return for a refund. So I did. We ended up with a solid oak kitchen for half the price of a shitty laminate one.

TLDR: Solid Oak
( Peej, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 15:56, 15 replies)

Every time I read one of emvee's posts, I feel like a winner.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 13:22, 15 replies)

road users
The person who cut me up at the lights, how sad her face looked as she got caught in traffic and I drove by. It may be a tiny victory, but it was mine and I enjoyed it.



TLDR: bad driver, caught in traffic.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 1:53, Reply)

pearoast
sort of works for this QOTW...

On the Tube last week
I watched as a bloke ran on to the train on the northern line. The doors were already closing, but not wanting to wait another 3 mins for the next train, managed to fit an arm through the door before they closed, then forced them open. He then squidged himself on. Much to the dismay of the cramped passengers on the other side of the door.

The doors then slammed shut behind him.

I then noticed his beige rain mac hadnt made it through the door as well as he had, and was sticking a clear 1-2 foot out into the air. I giggle, we all giggle. Twat man has had his day.

He then sees us all giggling and with a smirk on his face begins to pull his coat through the doors... until it jams... Why had it stopped? because there was a great big brown button jamming it on the outside - preventing it from being pulled through.

Then I heard the whine of the motors start up and away he went...

His coat was still 1 foot clear of the train sticking out. As it ran down the platform it would waft past and slap people knocking peoples newspapers.

God knows what state it was in by the time he got to the next station.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 14:25, 5 replies)

I got so upset by someone being silly on the internet I made a passive-aggressive post about them.
Needless to say, the last laugh was MINE.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 21:16, 10 replies)

When I moved haouse a couple of years ago
I was surprised to find that in between me viewing the property and the previous tennets moving out a shed had been put up in the back garden that had double glazing.
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 18:52, Reply)

I once bought some 'solid glass double glazing'.
Cunts tried to palm me off with something that had a thin bit of glass both sides and nothing in between.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 17:01, 1 reply)

I saw Faith No More live recently
Oh wait, that's more of a small victory.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Sat 28 Mar 2015, 5:05, 4 replies)

I once saw Alexei Sayle in the northbound car park of Keele Services on the M6.

( brb homonecrobatrachophile, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 18:10, Reply)

When I was about 10 I went to Church for the very first and only time. Why? Because 'Songs Of Praise' was filming at my local house of worship.
And I got a fucking close-up on the programme. Get in!!
( fred zeppelin II: Electric Boogaloo, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 17:07, 9 replies)