b3ta.com user Jon Norris
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» My Wanking Disasters

Just remembered another one....
I didn't actually witness this myself, but have had it cheerily recounted to me at least 5 times.

A few of my mates were on an 18-30 holiday with some of their other rugby friends, one of which is a guy called Ali, who has become renouned as "the guy with the massive cock". This thing was scary, like a kids arm. He was having trouble getting laid because most women couldn't 'take him'. So, one night he managed to pull a german girl, and they disappeared into the bedroom. All the other guys piled into the other room, and, due to the thin walls, were subjected to a night of Ali yelling "TAKE THE INCHES!! TAKE THE INCHES YOU GERMAN BITCH!!", with intermittent groans / scream from aforementioned german girl.

In the morning, they were all sat out on the patio of their little villa thing, and Ali's door flew open, and out spilled this german girl in her underwear, in floods of tears, rubbing her face, closely followed by Ali, who threw her clothes at her while yelling "Now fuck off you bitch!", to which she replied "You have ruined my life!!!" before running off into the sunset.

He sauntered over to my friends, bollock naked, manhood blowing around like a windsock, before telling them that the german girl couldn't take him, so he tried her 'the other way', but that didn't work either (unsuprisingly), and that he got so frustrated when he woke up in the morning he simply polished one off all over her face, but she woke up just as he was reaching the peak of pleasure mountain, and through a cruel mix of physics knee-jerk reaction, he almost blinded the poor girl with his man-custard, which she obviously didn't take to kindly to, especially when he started giggling like a schoolgirl as she stumbled around the bedroom searching for something to wipe her face with.

Good times.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 16:07, More)

» Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way?

Current squeeze...
Is a girl I've been shagging for a few months but not really 'going out with', as my heart lies elsewhere.

Anyway, cut a long story short, she's moving up to Glasgow in 2 weeks, and as a going away gift for her, my mates between them have offered me £90 if I can film myself performing a 'Spiderman' on her.

FYI A 'Spiderman' is the art of pulling out just before the vinegar strokes, chucking your fat into your hand, then flinging it in the girls face whilst triumphantly shouting "Go web go!!"

It's tempting for the money, but I do hold a certain amount of respect for the girl as she awarded me my brown wings and a good 3 hours of 'home videos'. I'll flip a coin or something.
(Fri 18th Jun 2004, 13:17, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

Not in the name of art..
But my friend John has some friends in the higher echilons of society around where I live, as a result we were invited to the 21st Birthday party of some aristo in West Sussex (for anybody who knows the area, it's the people who own Borde Hill). It was fancy dress, so we went as Slipknot, using overalls my other friend Dan had nicked from work and 99p Haloween masks. For an idea of how much effort we put into our costumes, here is John and Dan with some of the lovely ladies at the party -

We took advantage of the free bar, to the extent where we took 5 litre bottles of Smirnoff and hid them under our car so we could get them later. This is me sneaking about behind the free bar getting the bottles -

Everything started going a bit pear shaped when we decided to go for a wander, I pissed in the swimming pool, John and Dan found the car park and started letting tyres down. I was stood off to the side of the car park gathering my thoughts when I heard somebody yell "What the fuck are you doing?!" and saw John and Dan sprinting into the bushes, so I dove into the nearest foliage, twisting my ankle in the process. I hid there for a bit, then walked back to the party, but couldn't find John or Dan anywhere. I ended up chatting to the birthday girl's father for about 45 minutes about how wonderful his patio heaters were, then got a call from Dan saying "We're in big trouble Norris, abort, abort, meet us back at the flat!" so I walked down the drive calmly and phoned for a taxi back the their flat.

As I was waiting for the taxi 3 BMWs screeched to a halt next to me and three rather large rugby players jumped out, and one of them grabbed me by the collar, and started yelling at me to tell him where John and Dan were, luckily I was drunk enough not to be shit scared, so I chuckled a bit and said I hadn't seen them for about 2 hours, and he was just about to hit me when his mate pulled him off and said they should go and keep looking.

By this time it was about 4am so I just got the taxi home and slept. When I finally caught up with John and Dan the next day, it turned out they had been chased through woods and over fields by angry posh people, Dan also twisting his ankle in the process (but a lot worse than mine, it was about the size of a basketball), but luckily hadn't been caught.

A few days later we snuck back into the car park to retrieve our car, and, lo and behold, the bottles of vodka were still there!

I have a load more pictures somewhere, I'll see if I can track them down and post them.
(Fri 30th Sep 2005, 22:53, More)

» Scars with history

I have some pictures of this, but they're rubbish.

Basically I managed to get hot oil all over my hand while cooking one night, it didn't hurt too much at the time, and I went on to finish cooking and eat the meal I'd made, but come bed time it was hurting like buggery.

I was lying in bed literally not able to lie still because it hurt so much, so I went and got a big pan from the kitchen and filled it with ice water, put it by the side of my bed and lay there with my hand dangling into this pot. At some point I thought "Hold on, I probably shouldn't fall asleep with my hand in a pot of water, if urban myths have taught me anything" so I lay there in pain the whole night.

At some point I fell asleep, woke up in the morning, my hand is all red and most of it is blistered. I go into lectures, and have an electronics practical, during which I manage to drop a heated soldering iron onto my hand, which hurt a lot (as you might expect). Then my bastard of a mate notices my moleste blisters and comes up with a great plan, while our lecturer goes out for a cigarette break, I get pinned down, probes attached to either end of the biggest blister, and about 40 volts run through it.

Theres nothing quite like the feeling of your own puss boiling beneath your skin before it bursts out in a feiry torrent of yellow disgustingness. But most of it went on my mate. Ha, I win, in the most minor way possible.

That was a few months ago, I still have skin discolouration where the exploding blister was.
(Fri 4th Feb 2005, 17:31, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

Got a few I can think of
I have a signed postcard from Ewan Macintyre (or however its spelled), the large fellow that plays Keith in The Office, as he came to our students union a few weeks back. By the time it came for me to meet him I was absolutely hammered and called him "Fatty fatty toad boy" in the style of David Brent (or more probably the style of Rab C Nesbitt the amount I'd had to drink), and he signed my postcard and said "There ya go, now fuck off.", which I found quite funny.

I have a little scrap of paper signed by all of The Offspring from when I met them at Reading Festival this year, and when I was taking a picture of a few of my mates with them I looked at the girl stood next to me and said "God, they've not aged well have they?" - turned out to be their PR girl!

Also best drunken steal has to be the set of temporary traffic lights sat in my bedroom back home, had to make two trips to steal the bastards, one for the light bit and the other for the stand, but luckily it was only about 150m from my house. My mother demanded I got rid of them before I came to Uni, but I didn't and when I went home a few weeks later they were still there, I asked her why she hadn't got rid of them, she said because they were too heavy and she was afraid of being caught carring some traffic lights around in the middle of the night, especially as shes the treasurer for our local church!
(Thu 4th Nov 2004, 21:19, More)
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