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» My First Experience of the Internet

Getting caught wanking in the dot.com generation
I was 17 and went to visit my older brother at University in Scotland, it was 1998.

My brother owned a PC and was also online, not having one at home and barely understanding how they worked, my brother showed me the basics of the Internet, left me to it and went to his lecture. People had told me about the wealth of smut online and I proceeded to check it out. Remebering one site my mate had told me about (The Hun's Yellow Pages) I managed to navigate there and was utterly overwhelmed by not only the amount of grot there but it's depraved variety, needless to say, I spent the next 3 hours wanking myself stupid.

With a right arm like Popeye's forearm and a deep feeling of stress release, I changed the website and logged off before my brother came back.

The next day I was eating lunch with brother and nonchalantly he says "the next time you go online, make sure you check your history." "what's that?" I asked innocently "it just shows what sites you've been on..." he smirked as he chewed a mouthful of pasta. The colour crimson crept up my neck and flushed my face.
(Sun 25th Mar 2012, 22:55, More)

» Filth!

Hand Hygiene
Sorry for the second post but had to share this one.

When I worked for the Civil Service we shared a floor with a recruitment agency and dependent on how much you paid the landlords they would fit a kitchenette in the office, where you could get water, make tea and coffee, etc. If you went for the cheaper option you had to get any drinking water from the men and women's toilets. The recruitment bosses were tightwads and their staff had to get any water from the toilet. You'd see them every day dutifully filling up large plastic bottles and nearly killing themselves hauling it back.

There was one guy however that used to do it for them and if the people in the office knew what he used to do first I think they'd bring their own supplies. Before he used to fill up, he'd take the empty bottle into the cubicle whilst he'd have a really noisy shit. Once finished he would then not wash his hands and fill up the bottle, which he'd then take out to his unsuspecting colleagues.

It came as no surprise that nearly the entire recruitment office staff one week were written off with the Norovirus.

(Sun 5th Feb 2012, 20:55, More)

» Filth!

Urinal Surprise
Many moons ago my mum used to work as a cleaner in Tescos in one of the more upmarket areas of the city.

She's seen her fair share of dirty habits that people have and has dutifully cleaned up after them but one day there was something that even made her dry heave.

Near the end of her shift one evening she went into the men's toilets to clean up but what she saw in the urinal made her nearly throw up. "Some dirty cunt" had took an absolutely massive turd that hung over the lip of the urinal and to top it off they must had been eating sweetcorn and peas as its whole length of it was studded with them. the coup de grace was a thoughtfully shoved in cigarette stump where it's mouth (if a turd had a mouth) would have been.

She flat out refused to clean and her supervisor had to "break it's back" with Domestos and hot water before shoveling it down the nearest toilet. Her supervisor told her that this isn't the first time he'd seen this and it certainly won't be the last.

To this day my mum nearly vomits when she sees a plate of sweetcorn but her taste for peas stays undiminished.
(Sun 5th Feb 2012, 20:21, More)

» Conspiracy Theories

Paul McCartney was killed in a car accident.
This is one of those myths that are so utterly outrageous that you have to think there's a grain of truth in it.
The story goes that McCartney along with a woman, were killed at the scene in a horrific car accident, McCartney allegedly being decapitated. The Beatles were absolutely massive at the time and instead of just releasing the news of his death, the remaining Beatles covered it up and brought a lookalike (with some plastic surgery alterations) in to replace him.
As the conspiracy goes there's numerous clues on Abbey Road & the Sgt Pepper albums.
Although I don't believe this to be the case, there's some quite convincing nuggets of evidence that make you pause for a moment and although I think that McCartney is the original McCartney, I do think the Beatles (especially Paul & John) were into some really heavy, fucked up shit.
If you've got an hour or so to spare, have a watch of the documentary Winged Beatle. It's a bit out there but I'm telling you it doesn't half point out some weird stuff and at times, it almost had me convinced.
*puts on foil hat*
(Thu 1st Dec 2011, 14:47, More)