b3ta.com user cutofyourjib
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(Fri 23rd Mar 2012, 2:40, More)

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» Driven to Madness

Anyone who signs off a comment on the internet with the word "Simples." Usually after gifting us with a short and monumentally ill-judged political insight of theirs after reading a poorly disguised propaganda piece about how an MP had the temerity to spend some public money on a stapler or something. As in "Just hang them all. Simples."

Those people should all be recycled into a low grade lubricant or perhaps some sort of wall-filler.

And if anyone agrees with this by posting "THIS!", they should join them.
(Fri 5th Oct 2012, 16:25, More)

» Ignorance

I once lived with a sexy girl who would occasionally cook for herself, nothing too complicated, mind. See, she couldn't work out how to read the icons printed next to the hob controls that tell you which knob corresponded to which heating ring, so whenever she wanted to boil a single saucepan of water she had to turn all four rings on full.
(Fri 31st Aug 2012, 18:26, More)

» Crap Gadgets

I bought an expensive mountain bike recently, the ones with the suspension to make them comfy, rather than the ones I grew up with, which had seats designed to make your cock go numb. They're still fucking shit.

As far as I could work out it seems to be some sort of rain-generating device that ensures that no matter the state of the weather on setting out on your journey, by the time you get where you are going you are wetter than an otters arse. They also have other weather-controlling properties; no matter what direction you are going in, it will whip up a gale going in the other direction, making cycling only marginally faster than walking but far more fucking unpleasant. Fucking seriously. It's something to do with living near the coast and the direction of the wind in the morning vs the evenings.

Finally they attract every scally with a bolt-cutter for miles, so the damn thing was stolen after a few weeks of cycling anyway, in order to be resold the following day by the same bastard shop to the next stupid bastard, so it works out far cheaper to just get cabs everywhere and you still have money left over for daily croissants. Fucking bikes. Fuck 'em.
(Fri 30th Sep 2011, 11:10, More)

» Down on the Farm

When I was a little 'un, after he shat on the floor under the dining table, my dog got sent away to live on the farm. Hey, wait a minute....
(Thu 24th May 2012, 21:32, More)

» Getting other people into trouble

There was this one time when an old friend of mine had fallen in with a bad crowd, some bloody little princess that fancied playing the rebel for a few years, and the authorities were looking for him. Anyway, he shows up at my place, bold as brass, with the balls to be driving the same hunk of junk that he won off me in a bet - fair and square my arse. Anyway, I made a deal that would keep the empire out of my cloud city forever. That fucking showed him.
(Mon 22nd Oct 2012, 12:52, More)
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