b3ta.com user mayonessa
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Profile for mayonessa:
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my name is stacy, i am not a bloke, and no, it doesn't make you look fat.

i live in chicago and i was studying to be a mortician, but i ended up in banking instead. it was obviously a natural progression.

even though i'm sure no one will, if you need to, have a burning, envious desire to, a desire that you can feel rising in the back of your throat and is not actually bile, then you can reach me at mayonessa at mayonessa dot com.

Recent front page messages:

image theft
am i the only person who has this problem?

clicky for big
(Fri 16th May 2003, 4:27, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Sleepwalking

not sleepwalking, but sleepsomething
not exactly sleepwalking, but doing odd things in my sleep happened more often than i'd like when i was younger... adventures include:

- a dream i had about finding my tv remote covered in dried vomit, so i nearly barfed myself. i ran to the sink to spit in an effort to get the puke taste out of my mouth; woke up spitting all over my pillow. not just a little spit, gobs and gobs of ropey, smelly spit.

- one early morning i dreamt that i was playing super mario brothers. apparently i was so into it that my mother found me laying in bed, voicing all the sound effects of level 1-1, including the fireworks after sliding down the flagpole.

- my mum finding me asleep once again, this time sitting down on the loo to wee at 4 in the morning, without putting the toilet lid up (she managed to get it up before i made contact). she followed me back to bed to make sure i was alright, where i proceeded to crawl under my covers, then sing and snap my fingers along to imaginary beach boy songs.

i think i get it from my dad, who has (not once, but twice) punched my mum in the gut in the middle of the night while dreaming he was actually punching a man who was giving her trouble.

my poor mother, she's probably scarred between the two of us.
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 6:05, More)

» Desperate Times

urine + cold = no good
when we were 14, my best friend miranda and i went to baseball practice with her dad one freezing sunday morning. since it was bloody cold out, and we were wearing clothes that weren't too warm, we elected to just sit in the cab of the truck for the hour and a half.

during that time, miranda announced that her bladder was going to explode if she didn't take a piss soon. while she squirmed and grabbed at her crotch to avoid pissing on the seat, we did the math - finding a way to empty urine in a nice warm place > 5 minutes walking to the toilets in 4.5 degree celsius cold (not including wind chill factor). she made her decision, the only question now was whether or not we could find an adequate wee container.

our answer was an old mcdonald's cup sitting in the cupholder on the dash. it had a drink in it, so she opened the car door and dumped it out (...don't know what the difference was if it was pissy coke or just straight piss, her preference i s'pose). finding a position to squat into was challenging, especially considering the entire baseball field could see us if they were paying attention. i got to hold the cup!

miranda peed, but felt drip drying was too precarious considering the cold and the potential audience, so now we had to find the proverbial t.p., which came in the shape of a small package of barbie tissues we discovered in the glove compartment.

once it was over, she wadded up the barbie tissue, threw it in the mcd's cup and jumped out of the truck (with her pants back up, natch) to place the makeshift toilet not in the garbage, but behind the wheel of the truck... because the garbage was about 10 feet too far.

the great thing about it is, neither of us really felt it was desperate at the time... it was simply "smart".
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 16:23, More)

» Accidental innuendo

i'm doing what at my desk?!
at the bank where i work, we cut the clearing checks into batches to make them easier to work with. each person takes a batch until everything is balanced, but occasionally, there is a problem in one that has to be corrected that isn't always apparent.

co-worker #1 walked up to me as i was in a batch, and asked me if i was in the second batch, because there had been a problem with it she wanted me to be aware of.

co-worker #2, with new child at home and used to hearing baby talk, overheard and exploded into laughter. co-worker #1 and i both looked at him with our heads cocked sideways, unaware of what was so damn funny. apparently, without even realising it, our brief conversation had gone like this:

cw1 (in a kind, motherly manner): are you doing number two?
me: yes.

obviously, cw2 thought i had just admitted to poo'ing myself at my desk instead of what batch i was in. ...and i still laugh when i think about it.
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 16:35, More)

» Good Advice

i know it's tempting, but...
i was forced to take two weeks of training when i began working at the oklahoma department of corrections (as an envelope stuffer in the admin building, no less). the only thing i took away from the course:

"don't have sex with the inmates."

nine years later, and i still believe it's pretty sage advice for any situation.
(Fri 21st May 2010, 3:27, More)

» Essential Items

in my trunk...
i've been carrying around a pogo stick in my trunk for the past three years. somehow it's survived several rounds at the auto mechanic and one break in.

unfortunately, the urge to randomly pogo stick hasn't struck me yet. YET.

there's also some old issues of cat fancy from 1991 and a tim mcgraw cd in the trunk, but let's not get into that.
(Sat 29th Oct 2005, 3:50, More)
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