b3ta.com user Roving Blowtorch
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» Sorry

I would probably be best if you were to sit down for this. I’ll confess and apologize, but you have to promise not to get angry if I do. I’m not going to sugar-coat this. It’s bad, really bad, but you have to swear that you won't get mad when I tell you, because if you get upset and yell about how you're really disappointed in me, I'm just not going to say anything.

All right, here we go.

There’s no easy way to put this, so get ready, because here it comes.

If you get all huffy, you will be the one at fault, not me. It’s really not that big a deal. I’m only human, you know? And anyway, who are you to judge? Are you perfect? Can you really cast the first stone?

You still want an apology? Wow, you’re not making this easy for me. Not easy at all.

Well, here goes. I... I...

You know what? Forget it. I don’t have to do this. You're not better than me, and I don't have to do this. Just forget it.


-- Lance A.
(Fri 18th Jan 2013, 10:53, More)

» Ignorance

Flight Attendants

A good friend of mine is an airline pilot, and he always has great stories about his conversations with the sky waitresses (excuse me, "flight attendants") at work. Two of my favorites:

Story 1:

One of his usual routes is Los Angeles to San Francisco and back, up and down the California coast in the US. One one flight from Los Angeles to San Francisco, a flight attendant points out the window on the left side of the plane and asks, "What is that huge body of water out there?"

"That's the Pacific Ocean."

Later that day, they both worked the same return flight, San Francisco to Los Angeles. The same flight attendant points out the window on the right side of the plane and asks, "What is that huge body of water out there?

"I told you this morning, that's the Pacific Ocean"

"...No, that can't be right; the Pacific Ocean is on the LEFT side of the plane!"

Story 2:

In the middle of nowhere in the desert Southwest region of the US there exists a large crater, caused long ago by a meteor strike. It's now one of those "wonders of nature" tourist attractions, with an access road leading to it, and a smaller road around the perimeter so that tourists can drive around and look down into it.

"What's that large crater down there?"
"That was caused by a meteor strike."
"...Wow, they were really lucky! Look how close it came to that road!"
(Fri 31st Aug 2012, 14:06, More)

» Random Acts of Evil

3 Problems, 1 solution

Problem 1: Derelicts in the downtown area of my home city, shaking plastic cups (jingle jingle) begging for change. Problem 2: Wife is a soft touch and insists that at least one of us give away our cash to help those less fortunate. Problem 3: Still have a jar of now worthless old pre-Euro coins at home (French Francs, German Deutschmarks, Spanish Pesetas, etc.) left over from business trips, as I cannot bring myself to just toss away anything that is, or ever was, actual money.

Solution to all 3 problems: Grab a fistful of old valueless coins, toss into beggars' cups while doing the town with wife. Bask in the approving smile of the missus and rejoice to the voices fading into the distance as I stroll away: "Thank you sir, God bless you sir, you have a nice day now, sir..."
(Tue 21st Feb 2012, 20:48, More)

» Lead Balloon

In slightly poor taste...

At a company-sponsored holiday-season party, families invited.

Child of a Jewish family is talking about how excited he is about the gifts he anticipates receiving.

Co-worker (with a reputation for being just a bit racist) decides to have some fun.

"You're Jewish, so you won't be getting any gifts."
"Yes I will, Jewish Santa visits our house."
"Santa can't be Jewish."
"Why not?"
"Because Santa comes DOWN the chimney."

Horrified looks all around, followed by the exit of a confused little boy.
(Sat 24th Aug 2013, 10:26, More)

» Made me laugh

Airport Story

Back from a business trip, stopped in at the airport WC to relieve myself. It was nearly deserted, just one other bloke at the nearest urinal. Obeying the Law of Maximum Distance, I took the one furthest away and had started in when a cheery voice rang out from the other chap, "Hiiii there -- how are YOU?" No, no no -- I froze. Glanced over quickly and saw that he was just looking down, so I pretended not to hear. "So... how was YOUR day?" No, no, NO NO -- glanced over again, and he is still looking down while speaking. Pause. Is he mad? Having a conversation with his equipment? Expecting me to answer? "That's wonderful -- it sounds like you had a LOT of fun!!" At this point I am convinced that he is insane and attempting to converse with his own man-parts. "Daddy loves you!!" I hurry up and finish, and I leave. Glancing back, I noticed what I hadn't seen before -- he had a wireless earpiece in his ear, and had been having a phone conversation with someone else while relieving himself, most likely with one of his children. Made me laugh all the way home and resolve to never use my own wireless phone while attending to my own biological necessities in public.
(Wed 12th Dec 2012, 11:53, More)
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