b3ta.com user stooey
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» More Pet Stories

the dog, the dog, he’s at it again
Took the dog to the vet yesterday for his yearly M.O.T. He passed with flying colours – all legs present and correct, nose wet, anus still warm and accommodating. His sense of humour is on fine form too as when the vet was checking his heartbeat, Dylan, being the master of comedic timing, chose the exact moment the stethoscope touched him to let out the spirit of the wild in one single, solitary, earth shattering guttural bark. This massive ‘woof’ literally blew the vet’s mind! He jumped up about 2 feet. I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for the veterinarian oath he would have put him to sleep right then and there.

If you haven’t already, I suggest you all at one time or another play Buckaroo with a sleeping Jack Russell. Be sensible though, spatulas and wooden spoons should suffice– don’t be piling on microwaves and washing machines. Pillows are good too– better in fact as the resultant clatter of cutlery when he wakes won’t cause him to bolt and run straight into the patio door resulting in yet another visit to the vet. Although you will be missing out on the follow up game of unflattening the dog’s face. I find the best method of doing this is to place your lips around the dog’s anus– ensuring a tight seal– and blowing. You’ll find his nose will just pop right out with a satisfying ‘floompth’ like a washing up glove.
(Thu 31st Jan 2013, 21:31, More)

» Why will you burn in hell?

Well, they don't need them.
Someone asked me for suggestions for baby names. I said they should go to a cemetery and look at the grave stones. They looked at me horrified; I thought it was a really good idea. Incidentally, telling someone to go to a cemetery is my answer to most questions.
(Thu 12th Jul 2012, 17:09, More)

» Made me laugh

Out on the tiles.
One morning after a particularly drunken night out, I was awoken by mother and with a big ‘wink wink, nudge nudge’ smirk on her face she said,
“Did you bring someone home last night?”
“Oh-- Only the toilet seat was down and there was a lot of noise when you got in…”
“Well, I definitely didn’t bring anyone home. I think I would remember something like that..”

Once the initial shock of entering the waking world had settled I began to recall some of the events of my homecoming. Firstly, the toilet seat being down was my own doing, my reasoning being, 1) I felt I was slightly too bungalowed to stay stood up long enough to keep little Stooey’s aim consistent, and 2) to quieten down and muffle what was to inevitably be the most powerful post-pub pee-stream it is biologically safe to pass without bionic enhancement. Neptune himself would have been proud to witness this mere mortal produce such a tsunami.

Everything was going swimmingly-- especially my vision and after 5 minutes or an hour (who truly know?) when I’d finally finished, my legs must have gone numb because when I stood up, I promptly fell over and landed straight in the bath. I was doing all this in total darkness I must add, it must have taken me several attempts to get out, hence the noise.

Although What kind of noises I was making in my porcelain resting place to have someone believe I was in the throes of passion I don’t know, and frankly I don’t wish to remember. Still, made me laugh. Mother is still disappointed at the lack of any female presence. She's starting to suspect.
(Mon 10th Dec 2012, 12:16, More)

» More Pet Stories

black dog
Taking the dog to the vet again. This is the 3rd time this year. If the vet gave club card points I’d be well on the way to earning a free hamster or half a budgie or something.

Aesthetically he’s fine, the rash he had cleared up nicely. I think the problem stems more from an occult background. I first noticed it when he killed that bird; I never knew that dogs could laugh, other than when cows jump over the moon I mean, but that hasn’t happened in weeks. I’ll have to see what the vet says I suppose.

“I’m afraid, Mr @StooeyKing that you have what we call, in veterinary circles, ‘An Evil Dog’. AEDs are very common within this breed but please rest assured as this problem can easily be cured with fire. If you’d just sign here…”
(Thu 31st Jan 2013, 21:32, More)