» Brain Fade

One day in Hamburg
So there I was, spending a day shopping in Hamburg. At the end I had amassed 4 carrier bags of stuff, plus one fuckoff-sized bag containing a new suit, and then...

"Where the fuck is my train ticket?"

I searched and searched. Yes, I had definitely lost it. Crap. Off to the ticket machines (5 euro surcharge if you want to speak to a human being) I went, and lightened the wallet.

---2 hours of public transport rage omitted---

When I came home, there was no car in the driveway. "Germangal must be grocery shopping", I say to myself. Luckily, I had only lost the ticket and not my keys.
Opening the door, I was greeted by Germangal and the two Germandaughters.

"Where's the car?" ask I.

Then it clicked. I'd only gone and forgotten the fucking CAR in a city 180km away.

Went to the parking garage I usually use the next day, got back Germanride, payed for another train ticket and overnight parking. Total cost to bank account: 143 euros. Total profits for future alzheimer's doc: Probably millions. Total cost to dignity: Infinite.

First post be gentle, long time lurker first time poster, length, girth, something something star wars something, bins (stayed about from), magenta CDC.
(Tue 26th Mar 2013, 14:47, More)

» Winging It

Military Winging
Back when I was just a wee corporal, I got transfered to a new unit, which did CBRN recon (Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear reconaissance). It so happened that a certification exercise was scheduled the next week.

The Setup: Our two Bio guys got sick. Bad sick. On the morning of the exercise. Which we couldn't call off, since "readiness" is part of the judging criteria. Boss Woman tells me that I'm it and to suit up. Now, I did do something like this a few years before, as a civvie firefighter. TOP MAN, right?

Anyway, we suit up, grab our gear, and enter a room in a coal power plant full of pipes, lab equipment, and general crap.

The Setup part deux: It turns out that the (also new) team leader was a total spacker. Physically and mentally uncoordinated, he didn't even know what he was doing half of the time (We do forensic sampling, and he contaminated pretty much every piece of evidence he touched). The 2IC saw this, and got him to swap patches with me.

The execution: It turns out that except for different radio talk, the military version of this is pretty much like the civvie version. So, never having been one, I winged the whole team leader thing, got good samples, good evidence, and prevented a (simulated) weaponized botulinum toxin attack on a football stadium.

Later, a note turned up in our in tray:

"We know you pulled a bait-and-switch on us. Consider this an inofficial commendation for the corporal, and tell the team leader he's an idiot. Be glad we like you enough not to fail you on your certification.
-The Judges"

The Fallout: A 500 euro bonus for "Services beyond the scope of normal duties", and a glowing recommendation for Officer Training. Result!
(Thu 28th Mar 2013, 13:56, More)

» Petty Officials

Of speed cameras and petty po-lice.
So there I was, sleeping, as I tend to do at half past two on weekdays. Suddenly, Beeper! Hazmat!
Off I rush to the fire station, and once there I am told to "Get Peter, he's at work." Said Peter works for the company who's truck was involved, so it was assumed that he had some sort of helpful info. Off I went in our nice Golf GTD (Protip to fire departments: Car dealerships can be thankful), blasting down the Autobahn at 230kph. There was some construction, with the normal three lanes reduced to two, but I'd driven through there only hours ago and nobody was on the road, so I kept my speed up. It was actually quite fun, since our Fire law says (in part, and paraphrased) "Anything that furthers the legal duties of a fireman is legal".

I was almost through the construction when it happened. Red flash. "Yup, speed trap," thought I. "No worries, got me flashers on."

Everything went well on the call, we finished up at about daybreak. I came home exhausted, only to find a cop car in my driveway. The two cops got out, and presented me with a picture I recognized: A blaze-orange Golf GTD, with "Feuerwehr" written back-to-front on the hood. Complete with air horns and light bar. There was a man in the driver's seat, and he was wearing a yellow-black-reflective stripes outfit.

"We're taking you down to the station," they said.
"We called the fire department, they said it was you driving, and you certainly look like the guy in the picture," they said.
"220 in an 80? You'll never drive again," they said.

"Fuck off. I had my lights on, you can even see it in your stupid picture," quoth I, and went inside for coffee.
(Mon 31st Mar 2014, 4:22, More)

» Self-Inflicted injuries

Once upon a time, stuff happened...
When I was but a wee lad of 12-ish, I had an idea.

You know model rocket engines, right? And "crater makers"*? Okay.

The idea was as follows: Attach fins to rocket engine, attach crater maker to front, put in tube, fire, boom, yay. It worked too: When the engine burned out, the parachute ejection charge would light the crater maker's fuse, and shortly thereafter, noise would happen.

Then I got a friend involved, and took it to the next level. He nicked some primers from his dad's reloading bench(small pistol magnum for you gun geeks), we glued them into the crater maker's opening, stuck the front part of a biro on there, and put a nail in. Now the missiles exploded when they struck hard objects. While the noise was the same, the hilarity was greatly magnified.

And then, on that fateful day... I loaded up, fired the thing, and... fell over screaming. We believe that one or more of the fins ripped off in the tube, causing the rocket to nose-dive into the ground about ten feet in front of me.

Result: Three shrapnel injuries (god knows what would have happened if it hadn't been thick-coat-season), a case of tinnitus still going strong after over 20 years, and the old "you are such an idiot, sometimes I wonder if your mom swam in a nuclear reactor while you were in progress" speech from the parents.**

Still got the scars :/


*An empty CO2 cartridge stuffed full of black powder
**And later, a surreptions "Nice engineering work, I'll help you do it right" from dad. Ace!
(Fri 29th Nov 2013, 17:39, More)

» Irrational people


I find various groups of people, such as:

-homeopaths
-any and all flavors of god botherers
-party-line politicians
-chavs
-excessively polite people
-people who still convert euros to their former native currency
-pop-culture fanboys
-proponents of sexism, racism, etc. Lookism is fine though.
-anyone who uses more 'innits' than full stops
-people too stupid to use birth control
-non-emergency patients in the ER
-hippies
-people who think world peace is possible
-gun nuts
-'ban all guns' nuts
-90% of the 'green' movement
-people who dislike nuclear power
-americans who buy 500hp cars
-germans who do not do so (if financially able to)
-the general public
-PETA et al
-your mum
-every single private user of social networks (facebook)
-people who were surprised about PRISM
-Alex Jones
-The entire vatican, excepting small boys
-The US political system
-1337 h4x0rz
-'bedingungsloses grundeinkommen'(unconditional welfare for everyone) supporters
-Femen
-writers of children's books
-the people who somehow think that 6.99 is significantly cheaper than 7.00
-people who believe that any problem must have a single, simple solution
-people who think that banning drugs works
-death penalty supporters
-the nanny state
-ambulance chasers

to be irrational.

Also, I hate and sometimes pity them.

More later.
(Thu 10th Oct 2013, 14:47, More)