» My Worst Vomit

A few years ago
I was in mid break up with a girlfriend for mutual reasons, we decided to go back to her house for one last shag and a few drinks... we were both very skint so we chipped together and bought cider and lager (VERY BAD IDEA!!!) and proceeded to mix them. The night passed in a strange blur.

The next day I awoke with the WORST hangover ever in the history of man. My ex-girlfirend then shouted up "would you like some egg on toast?". This caused bizzare rumbling sin my stomach and i climbed out of bed and ran to her bedroom window, spew bulging in my mouth and proceeded to vomit ciolently out of the window into the garden below. Still hanging out of thw window, i recovered slightly and noticed one set of neighbours having a family barbeque; all staring up at me and anpother neighbour mowing his lawn and laughing his socks off at my ashen face....

I went back to bed for a few hours. Later, I felt the sickness and decided to avoid the embaressment and make a break for the bathroom downstairs. Halfway down the stairs i felt the bile and vomit in my throat and made a last break for the bathroom door which was closed. I kicked it open and immediately slipped on the bathroom mat, I fell forwards - vomiting everywhere on the mirror, in the bath and all over the floor and myself.
2 seconds later I looked up from my prone position to find myself face to face with my ex- girlfriends father who was calmly taking a shit on the toilet, newspaper dripping spew and the most horrified look on his face!!!!

I never saw my girlfriend or her father ever again after that day!

beat that!
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 21:50, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

Told one of atmic kitten to get fucked...
having a bad day... looking for a book i needed in W.H Smiths. Very busy, too many kids.
Unknowingly i'd wander into an atomic kitten signing.

I hurry past the crowd towards the books. Then i see a pretty girl walking towards me.I assume it's a very fit fan... She Barges past me, elbow first... keeps walking on.
i reply "apology accepted!"...

I get a very loud 'tut' as suddenyl WH Smiths goes quiet... she turns round and gives me a very "SMARMY" grin.

My response: "Get fucked"...

Gasps

I buy book. Leave.
(Fri 16th Apr 2004, 3:25, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Wheelie bin amusement
One drunken night, me and a friend decided to get revenge on one of our neighbours (who was a miserable, ball popping, fun hating alcoholic)...
So we decided to steal every wheelie bin in the area and construct a huge wheelie bin fort in his garden.

The next day we walked past to see the police comforting the very distressed bastard.

I think we got about 30 or 40 wheelie bins in his very small front garden.

Not amazingly funny but have you ever stacked a wheelie bin three high?
(Thu 5th May 2005, 16:58, More)

» Job Interviews

A TEST interview
Whilst studying on an I.T course, for some reason i was forced to attend a mock interview.
This was strange, as it was the interviewers who were being tested by a panel... Thus giving me an easy break.

So i attended and proceeded to make their jobs hell.

I entered the room with a limp. They offered me a seat which i denied. I told them i had a metal strut on my spine which couldn't allow me to sit down.

I had the advantage, I am quite tall and was towering over them as I leaned on the table.

Every question they threw at me was answered with either a pause, a cough or 'i don't know'...

The final question "Have you any questions?", I asked them if they could phone me a taxi.
Bless 'em they did.

I got £40 for attending! Jackpot.
(Thu 20th Jan 2005, 13:19, More)

» Toilets

Toilets...
My good friend had an amazing trick when he was a kid. He had a very tight foreskin, which caused him to piss with a fine, powerful, laser-like piss that could jet out at a terrific angle. He used to angle himself and piss through the toilet windows which were about five feet above the toilet . He could develop such an angle that kids in the playground were often soaked by an extremely distressing stream of piss from nowhere.
The toilets at the time where on the second floor!

Also, Soap sandwiches... Not me, but another lad in primary school once replaced a rather dim kids cheese sandwiches with that smelly pink liquid soap. The lad ate them and was violenty sick sometime later in the classroom. The sink was bubbling, foaming and dripped down slowly from the table like a strange pink,pukey gell.
(Mon 5th Sep 2005, 17:00, More)