» One Night Stands

A nice cod feeeesh
Not really a disaster, possibly a triumph. I got into the habit of nailing a welsh gothic type bird every now and again. On the first occasion, I went down south to pay a visit to fishguard, at which point she candidly instructed me, in her welsh accent, to "put four fingers in and aim for my belly button". I duely obliged and ended up with a face full of clearish warm squirt much too my delight and surprise. I triumphantly yelled "yes, finally a fucking squirter", at which point she got rather annoyed, and told me she found term "squirter" to be rude and offensive. The fucking hypocrisy, she had, rather crassly instructed me "to put four fingers in and aim for the belly button", then, without warning projected some form of salty barley water from her foo foo valve directly into my eyes, but finds the term "squirter" offensive.

Anyway I apologised, we got over the squirt based faux pas and as I recall the night culminated in me getting a memorable pokey bum bj. Anyway I digress. Sometime inbetween the vag splash and bum poking, she asked if I had baby oil. Not being in the habit of cooking infants I did not possess any such oil, but told her I had olive oil in the kitchen. I went down stairs bollocko and at full mast, so left the lights off so as not to petrify the neighbours, and grabbed the oil. The oil went everywhere, a good time was had, at which point I fell asleep. When I woke in the morning I realised, in the darkness id grabbed the crisp 'N' dry rather than the olive oil.

My mattress, resembling a Jackson pollock owing to the copius amount of crisp n dry, quim, giz, blood, shit etc went to the tip that same afternoon. I am still known to my friends to this day as "crisp n dry" after recoiling the story in the pub that evening. The end.
(Mon 17th Mar 2014, 1:53, More)