b3ta.com user Swafty
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» Christmas

Hospital violence
Does December the 23rd count?

I'm currently a patient on a hospital ward and we're all listening to some bloke going absolutely bat shit crazy in one of the side rooms. Two security guards have been posted outside his door for the last few days, 24/7. The guards today would shit up WWF wrestlers in their physical size, I shit you not and both are ex military. Both are wearing bullet proof jackets and all dressed al in black with walkies strapped to their chests and cameras .... oh hang on, an even bigger one's just arrived with a sinister looking metal device that might be a taser? .. and I've just been told I might have to stay here for another week. I've had more festive Christmas's to be honest.
(Wed 23rd Dec 2015, 20:06, More)

» Christmas

My Nan
When I was about 8 we had a family gathering on Christmas Day in our kitchen. I was tying to talk to my Mum but my Nan was getting louder an louder until I snapped and yelled "NAN SHUT UP!" .. needless to say my Dad sent me to my room.
(Tue 22nd Dec 2015, 10:48, More)

» That One Mate

My uncle is an Alan. I used to work with him for my Dad in the mid 90's and he was a proper tool. I'd offered to do some tree surgery for extra cash for them both at our workplace ... I had a how to trim Bonsai trees book and no experience but it worked a charm. Alan had given me most of the money as the work was completing and said he wanted it finished completely by a certain day. That day, it was pissing it down with rain so I decided it wouldn't be the end of the world if I carried on the next day. Not according to uncle Alan. He waited till I'd finished the work then didn't pay me the money owed for "tax reasons" depite the fact I was being paid cash in hand by my own family .. I kicked off at him and have seen him once since that,and only then because my Dad tricked me into it. Bell end.
(Sun 5th Jul 2015, 12:21, More)

» House Parties

Mt favourite party was the one when we were hanging upside down being held by our legs and spraying beer on everyone down below .. that and some drunk girl wandering around telling everyone her boyfriend had no pubes so we all had to pluck a few ... she was walking around with a handful of pubes + we nearly killed the family dog because someone gave it a chicken drumstick and it started choking. I miss the 80's.

Another one I went to ended up as national front page newspaper news, a sort of sign of things to come with those idiots who used to post on facebook about upcoming parties at their parents house but this was before facebook. After I left that party, someone had stolen a bulldozer and driven it into the side of the house after everyone else had robbed the place.

I threw a party once in my parents garden because my Sister was wise enough to lock us all out. One of our guests decided to show us how sharp his bowie knife was by running it along the back of his wrist. After we called the paramedics and he'd been stitched up at the hospital, he surprisingly came back to the party and continued drinking before hiding up a tree.
(Sun 11th Oct 2015, 9:25, More)

» What could have been?

Regrets, Ive had a few but then again too few to mention
I turned down a job offer at Spitting Image working on the puppets because I decided I needed to go to art college first .. then found out I was shit at art.

I also turned down a job offer from the director Shane 'This Is England' Meadows, I used to go to college with him (the same college) and he was always a practical joker so when he told me he'd just been granted a couple of million to make a film with Bob Hoskins, I thought he was taking the piss. I did beat Paddy Considine at pool about half an hour later though in the same pub ...
(Tue 6th Oct 2015, 8:09, More)
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