b3ta.com user Tarka_the_Frotter
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Want to get WMD on your friend's ass? (in a non-gay way). Then you need

War on Terror, the boardgame.

What's that? You Tube videos, you say? Certainly ...

Recent front page messages:

The continuing adventures of MIRROR KITTEN....

Helllooooo? Anybody there? ... I can't get out.
(Mon 3rd Mar 2003, 12:13, More)

Hang on in there little fella. You'll be fine just as long as your owners haven't had you de-clawed...

Oh dear
(Wed 12th Feb 2003, 23:01, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Cringe!

Typo cringe
I was working as a web designer, specialising in not-for-profit/ charity gigs. Anything community orientated and right-on basically. We took pride in such things.

I had a preliminary meeting with the head mistress of a local 'special needs' school, who wanted an ambitious website that would be both high profile and a decent slice of cash. It fitted in perfectly with what we were about and we were keen to get the job.

As soon as I returned to the office, I set about writing them a "Great to meet you ... " follow-up email.


Two days later, I get a reply. "It was lovely to meet you too ..." blah blah blah ... "looking forward to seeing the spec"... blah blah blah ... and there was my original email below.

I don't know about you, but I have this narcissistic habit of reading my own emails whenever I come across them, checking for form, expression and grammar. Sometimes I give them a mark out of ten in my head. This time was no exception and it was at that precise moment I noticed to my horror that in my haste I had bungled my usual sign-off. Beneath the final sentence ("And what a lovely school it is!") I had written:


I don't know if they noticed, but they never mentioned it. Likewise, I was too embarrassed to bring it up. That "Retards, Andrew" hung in the air like an awkward pinata during every subsequent meeting.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 15:16, More)

» Blood

New house, new flatmates, best make a good impression ...
So they were all out one night and I wasn't feeling great, so I decided to stay in. Noticed the mountain of washing up and decided to score some points and do the lot.

It was while I had my entire hand inside a pint glass, doing that twisty-cleany motion you do to clean the inside of glasses, that it cracked and I twisted my hand fully onto the new razor-sharp edge, right down to the bone. The sink turned red in an instant.

Looked around for a towel and only saw filthy, brown, moulding ones. There's one in the downstairs loo! Walked calmly to the loo (which is right by the front door - this detail is important later), a thick trail of blood in my wake. It was bleeding a LOT. Wrapped my hand in the towel in the loo. Got blood everywhere, including on the mirror. Walked back to the kitchen, still dripping blood. Thought for a second and decided to drive myself to hospital.

Car keys in hand, I thought I'd better leave a note for my housemates should they return to explain the gorefest and my absence. With my left hand I started detailing the entire history, starting with "I decided to do the washing up..." However, since I cannot write well with my left hand at the best of times and I was losing blood at an astonishing rate from my right hand, I crossed it all out and scrawled "CUT MYSELF" I even put a "x" at the bottom. Placed the paper, complete with bloodstains in a prominent position on the table and left.

A&E was the usual 7 hour clusterfuck. When I finally got home at 4 in the morning, I found my ashen-faced housemates all sat in silence in the front room. They almost fainted with relief. All they knew is that they returned home at 3am, still speeding their tits off, found a trail of blood that they saw led FROM the toilet to the kitchen. Found the note. And assumed their new flatmate had performed some kind of self-castration operation and had then left the house to bleed to death in the streets.
(Mon 11th Aug 2008, 10:09, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

sorry for namedropping...
... but it's the only thing that makes this story funny.

The Scene: In Alan McGee's club in days of old when Mani was a regular patron.

I'm leaning against a wall, rather drunk and tired. Mani stumbles by and slams into the wall next to me, propped up only by said wall. The following exchange took place (NB: I don't know Mani)

Me: Alright Mani?
Mani: Yeh, man... I'm on the fooking launchpad!
Me: Haha. Excellent.
Mani: On the launchpad and cleared for take-off.

At this point, Mani didn't "take off", but instead slid further towards the floor.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 17:28, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

My friend's parents told him
That the ice-cream man rings his chimes to signal that he's run out of ice-cream.
(Tue 20th Jan 2004, 12:10, More)

» Best Films Ever

Not the Usual Suspects
I don't mean, not "The Usual Suspects" (cracking film), but not the usual suspects, as in, no Pythons, Godfathers, Hitchcocks, Shawshanks (never have understood why that always gets ranked *so* highly).

So here's a list of blinding, even life-changing films that might not get so much attention in this QOTW, roughly ordered in "for God's sake get out there and see it NOW" priority (most urgent at the top).

1. Come and See
2. The Seventh Seal
3. A Clockwork Orange
4. Fellini's 8 1/2
5. Fitzcarraldo
6. Breathless
7. Harold & Maude
8. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
9. Once Upon a Time in the West
10. Oldboy
11. O Lucky Man!
12. Brazil
13. The Plague Dogs
(Fri 18th Jul 2008, 16:37, More)
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