» School Sports Day

Run, Forest, Run............!!!
There was much controversy at our School house team sports day back in the early 1980's when they decided to introduce the 'Special Achievers Race', which basically meant that the school 'tards all had a chance of doing something worthwhile in the sports day.

This was really opposed by Mark, our ultra-competitive House Team captain, who viewed this with immense disgust, thinking that our resident House team spanner who I will name 'Derren' will cock-up our reasonable chances of walking away with a few medals.

Anyway, day of said race, the 'spakka 200m' was due to be the last race (so they could get a special round of applause at the end). Derren hadn't bothered bringing his PE kit - not one piece of it! Therefore, in front of the whole School, parents, governors etc., he had to run in the cliched vest, underpants and his shoes...which just happened to be a pair of grubby glam-rock style platform boots that would have been out of fashion in 1976, never mind the North Of England in the early '80s!

"Captain Fanastic" Mark was fuming!! We really thought he was going to explode as his face was bright red (more than normal - he was a proper ginge!). We were within a few points of winning the sports day, all hopes of victory resting in the platformed shoes of our resident spazmo in his vest and undies. We were doomed....

Race starts, and he's off like a feckin' whippet!! And we mean storming. We'd seen nothing like it every jaw dropped, he was running like his life depended on it. Hardly able to even stand in his platform shoes, his skinny legs and arms all over the place, but was winning by a country mile! Okay, strictly he should have been disqualified for going into other lanes, but not even the most pedantic schoolmaster was going to fault this effort.

Last 50m of the race, we were all at the finishing line, noise from the assembled masses building to a crescendo...and he was speeding up! The sight of Derren running towards us with his arms waving like a drowning man, tongue flapping to one side, and demented smile on his face, will stay with me forever!! What made it even funnier was "Captain Fantastic" Mark, lost in the moment, screaming at the top of his voice "RUN, RUN, FASTER YA SPAKKY CNUT, FASTER C'MONNNNN!!!!!" punching the air, face almost purple, veins popping from the side of his ginger nut. Screaming so loud that obviously every person with half a mile could hear his words of...erm....'encouragement'!

He crossed the winning line with time to spare, and just kept running around the track again in a mad lap of hounour. All of us trying to catch him to celebrate as he ran off. He won us the sports day, and we were going to carry him shoulder-high with our trophy as an honour, but when we did catch up with him, the excitement occasion had overcome him and he was erm....damp to say the least!
(Fri 31st Mar 2006, 12:16, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Not big, hard or clever
Remember the huge billboard advertisements after the death of drugs victim Leah Betts in the UK a few years ago? Well, it basically had the mentioned girl in the last moments of life hooked up to just about every tube and beepy machine the NHS had to offer. This was meant to be a hard-hitting anti-drugs (Ecstasy in particular) campaign.

Accompanying this picture was the slogan : "IT ONLY TOOK ONE ECSTASY TABLET TO KILL LEAH BETTS!"

Under which, some bright spark had painted : "FUCKING LIGHTWEIGHT!!"

Cruel, but it had me in stitches until it was removed!!
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 21:02, More)

» Heckles

Went to a theatre in the West End a few years ago...
..to see the opening night of a play of the life of Anne Frank, the famous Nazi-dodger.

The role of one of the head Germans was played by the bloke from 'Allo 'Allo who played the crap Policeman (Arthur Bostram, I think his name was). The temptation to shout 'Good Moaning' was almost too much to bear, but it was a very serious play.

Anyway, it was rubbish. Actors were forgetting their cues, the play was strewn with errors and cock-ups. During one such embarrasing moment, about 20 minutes into the play, one bloke from the audience shouts at the top of his voice :

"FOR F**KS SAKE, SHE'S IN THE F**KING ATTIC, NOW CAN WE GO HOME!!!!"

Absolutely no comeback from the actors, theatre was in stitches!
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 15:50, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What goes....
....*Click Click* "Is that it?", *Click Click* "Is that it?", *Click Click* "Is that it?"?

Stevie Wonder doing a Rubiks Cube!
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 12:57, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

A guy's walking home on Xmas Eve......
....coming home from the pub. He's devastated, lost his job,his wife has ran off with the milkman and taken the kids with him. His already morose, drunk mood gets worse when he goes past all the houses, full of Xmas cheer.

Just as his thoughts turn to suicide, he spots Santa Claus emerging from a house.

"Ho, Ho Ho, Merry Xmas", says Santa.
"Sorry mate, nothing merry about my Xmas" says the bloke.
"Why's that my friend?" asks Santa.

As the guy starts to tell his sorry tale, Santa explains that at Xmas, he can make everyones dreams come true and life better. He tells the guy that he can make everything alright for him again, and have the happy Xmas he dreams of.

"But I need you to do something", says Santa
"Anything, anything!!!" says the bloke.
So Santa goes on "Okay then, I'm actually bi-sexual, and I don't get many chances to express my sexuality, so may I take you up the arse?"

The guy is obviously releuctant, but agrees.

So Santa gets to work, he bends the guy over the garden wall, and bots the living Jesus out of him.

Once Santa had shot his festive muck, he turns to the guy and says :
"One question before you leave. May I ask how old you are?"

"Sure" says the bloke "I'm 36"

Santa looks at him and says "36? And you still believe in Santa Claus?????", and runs away!
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 23:11, More)