b3ta.com user JaffaMused
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for JaffaMused:
Profile Info:

I write video games for the major consoles.
And Lurk here.

Born in Derby, UK, but working and living in CA, USA.

These days, you'd use the Quo, but back then, it was that guy

Modern fables - The Boy Who Texted WOLF!

Real life photoshops - Mr. Man Spong

Boris as seen through my eyes

Erm, She's got a segway to ride?

Goatse Curry - unintentional

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Your Revenge Stories

The Fat Controller
*** sorry about the length ***

We used to work with a fat bastard that always had his computer volume turned right up and sound effects assigned to EVERY event. We also were aware that he used our slow company internet connection to download bucketloads of very dodgy (alt.binaries.erotica.japan.loose.socks I think it was) porn.

This got really annoying, and being a programmer I decided to teach him a lesson. I wrote a trojan and installed it on his machine at work. It would listen on a port on his machine waiting for a telnet connection from me (or anyone else that knew about it) to issue commands.

At first it only messed with the volume (connect and type "setvol vol%" and I'd turn his sound down), and it also supported an update command so I could update the program remotely - this was awesome as I'd gradually lower the sound, and he'd turn his speakers up a bit, so I'd lower it again. As soon as his speakers were at max, I'd turn the volume up to max too and wait for the next sound :p

Anyway, I used to sit at my desk and snigger constantly, so I had to let the other programmers in on the secret. The program was dubbed "The Fat Controller" and it got expanded rapidly with 3 of us working on it.

Here's a list of commands in the final version :-

login (obviously a login command to stop just anyone using it)

update [filename] (updates the program with the new program - you lose your current connection)

setvol [volume %] (sets the volume to the specified level)

holdvol [volume%] (sets and holds the volume at the specified level - this uses a callback so you can't physically move the volume slider)

-basic file commands
del, copy, rename, dir, cd

munge [filename, munge%] (this overwites the specified file with munge% random data - hehehe, we used this on his porn download files)

window (showed all window titles currently open)

dump [filename] (saves a screenshot do the network)

kill [windowname] (kills the application with that window name, takes wildcards - we used this all the time to kill his newsgroup downloader program)

mouse [x, y] (moves the mouse pointer to this position - great when you phone him and keep issuing this command)

error [message] (throws up a dialog box with the specified message on it - my favorite was "warning! your are running low on dynamic handles", then follow it a few mins later with "Warning! Out of dynamic handles, please reboot" - and he did)

mci [string] (issues an MCI string on his machine, we used this to eject his cd drive, play wavs & video etc)

start [program, commandline] (used to cause all kinds of mischief, especially launching IE with some gay website while the boss was approaching).

After I left the company (in England), I found I could even mess with him from the US - hehehe.

He never found out about it, but got convinced that he had a virus, and formated his hard drive :( Game over.
(Sat 15th May 2004, 7:42, More)

» Best Comebacks

This is a corker (Garry again!)
So also while in Spain (same holiday - see previous post), we were in our hotel and hed been at the bar for most of the night.

We went to the gents, took a piss, and started to work towards the door...

Suddenly some German guy pipes up "Hey boys!.... In Germany they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom!"

To which Garry quips... "In England they teach us not to piss on our hands!".

Still makes me laugh 15 years on.
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 22:39, More)

» Stupid Tourists

I was in spain, and not impressed with the local food, I'd bought some bread and peanut butter.

After getting back to the hotel and realizing it's impossible to spread with your finger, I decided to head back into town for a spreading implement.

All I could find was sodding tourist shops, so I thought maybe they'd have a crappy touristy knife & fork set or something.

A few minutes after speeking slow english and getting nowhere, I decided to mime what I wanted.

It seems the shopkeeper got upset about me shouting "knife, knife" and making a stabbing motion toward him, and chased me out of the shop with a knife too big to get into the jar.

Anyway, I found that a 19 yr old (as I was then) can run faster then a middle aged fat shopkeeper, and ruffled crisps spread PB kind of okay.
(Sat 9th Jul 2005, 6:59, More)

» Teenage Poetry

A genuine poem I wrote aged 8
This one got into the school magazine (although it got edited).

"Brown" by Bob, aged 8
Brown is the colour of the garden gate,
Brown is the colour of a sausage on a plate,
Brown is the colour of a 2 pence piece,
Brown is the colour of axle grease,
Brown is the colour of Spanish clickers
Brown is the color of the skidmark on my knickers.

Castanets wouldn't have rhymed.

I had to re-write the last 2 lines for the published version, but the original still hangs on the wall in the staff room of my junior school.
(Thu 11th Aug 2005, 17:19, More)

» Best Comebacks

Oh, this one is gonna stay with me forever
While on holiday in Spain, we all got totally shit-faced (as you do), and decided it'd be a good idea to find more beer along the beachfront (preferably a nightclub).

Anyway, Garry, who was the most pissed-up, suddenly puked (a lot) all over the pavement - then shortly after slipped over in it, and puked some more.

He tried to get up, but couldn't... and we didn't want to help him because he was covered in vomit :(

Then suddenly some sexy woman appears with her bloke, and the conversation goes somethign like this...

Sexy Woman: "Are you allright?"
Garry: (slurring) "I can see up your skirt!"
Sexy Woman: "Can you?"
Garry: "No, but I'd like to!"

Always the womaniser, even when he's too pissed to stand up ;)
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 20:20, More)
[read all their answers]