The new more "ergonomically sound" hoover
had many of the male engineers very excited about its release.


(Ampersand, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:18, archived)

TJ
Jim davidson is a cunt
( Chupacabra owes me ten quid, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:20, archived)

yes
yes he is.
( Dr Phil Kitten, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:21, archived)

i had a cracking joke
working, as i do, at radio 4, i approached the producer of "dead ringers" and said,

"i do impressions myself. actually, i do an impression of jim davidson."
She said, "really?"
i said, "well, i get drunk and beat up my girlfriend, who is indian, so it's more a pastiche..."

everyone i've told this to says it's offensive, except for mrs martian herself. go figure...
( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:25, archived)

I just made squeaking noises of laughter
so I vote: funny. but pretty sick too.
( Dr Phil Kitten, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:26, archived)

the writers of the news quiz told me that people would misunderstand
and think the joke was 'me beating up mrs martian' and not 'jim davidson beating up his wife and being racist'.

what do they know?
( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:28, archived)

The average IQ of the British public?

(goat thinks you're shit., Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:33, archived)

possibly

( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:35, archived)

darling
if the "average British public" listened to R4 you'd be getting paid more.
( Dr Phil Kitten, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:37, archived)

true
the comissioning editor of r4 told me the other week that they don't particularly like what we do at 11pm, but they appreciate that we have to do it as a public-service broadcaster.

which i think is brilliant, when you consider what we put out at that time: i think we've got the coolest audience in the world - 50somethings who listen because it's in the public's interest...
( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:42, archived)

That's a classic.

(goat thinks you're shit., Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:26, archived)

Depends who you tell it to.
If they laugh, I like them.

Possibly
( verbal, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:27, archived)

i told everyone stouffer's joke:
"q. whaich is the most confused animal in the jungle?
a. the polar bear."

the only person not to laugh was mark steel, the humourless bastard.
( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:29, archived)

Also from the brain of Stouffer.
He was arguing with an ex, when he came out with.

"Shut up, the most intelligent thing ever to come out of your mouth is my cock."

Genius.
( supermoore: HUNG, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:30, archived)

i was a precocious little fucker when i was young
but i'm still rpoud of the following exchange, which took place in my final year at comprehensive school (after i'd dropped a pen or something):

tracey: hahahahahaa
me: tracey, you're less intelligent thatn the make-up you're wearing, so shut the fuck up
tracey: i'm not wearing make-up!
me: that doesn't make me wrong.
( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:34, archived)

that is the most offensive,
and at the same time, the funniest, thing I have ever heard. JESUS CHRIST.
( Dr Phil Kitten, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:38, archived)

pah!
This Mark Steel fella is not worth so much as three of my English pounds.....
( verbal, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:32, archived)

he's worth £116
per year...
( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:35, archived)

cheap
at 17 3774ths the price?
( verbal, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:38, archived)

we know.

( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:21, archived)

Glasscock!
insofar as we all know this...

;)
( verbal, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:22, archived)

OBVIOUS HOUR

( Sunshine Elephant, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:23, archived)

i'm eating lemon meringue pie

i know you're all jealous....i can feel it.
( cwethan, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:24, archived)

Cunt.

(goat thinks you're shit., Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:25, archived)

ha!
i knew it.
i so have psychic powers
( cwethan, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:27, archived)

I'm amazingly jealous,
I was throwing up all morning, I've actually only been able to eat anything since about 8pm, and even then nothing extravagent.
(goat thinks you're shit., Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:27, archived)

oooh
yeah, there is something going around my office that i'm trying hard as hell not to get.

i will though, you watch.
( cwethan, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:29, archived)

I was just very hungover.

(goat thinks you're shit., Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:31, archived)

you have no idea.......

( verbal, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:25, archived)

you git
......


no offence!
( rogue, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:25, archived)

not for another 36* minutes...
Oh no, wait, that's naked hour.....

*subject to change
( verbal, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:24, archived)

Hey guys!
Kittens are nice!
Hot baths are soothing!
Bacon sarnies taste good!
Sunny days are often warm!
...this isn't so bad, after all.
( Dr Phil Kitten, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:25, archived)

i haven't had
any kitten facts for a while
( Sunshine Elephant, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:26, archived)

and can you linkie
the porn down there \/
( Sunshine Elephant, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:27, archived)

oopsie daisy
done.

Sorry, modskills slipped for a sec. there.

[edit] Ahem.
1. Kittens sometimes yowl in the night and wake your neighbours.
2. Kittens can sick up a surprisingly large amount.
3. Kittens often get burrs stuck in their fur.
( Dr Phil Kitten, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:31, archived)

ta very much

( Sunshine Elephant, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:32, archived)

Kittens are fluffy.
Unless they're those evil hairless things or have mange.
(goat thinks you're shit., Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:35, archived)

it has been far too hot today.
me and mrs martian walked round the park and i think i am sunburned.
( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:30, archived)

its still too fucking hot!
laptops are hot on your knees too! :(
( rogue, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:34, archived)

Still?

( Herr Tezcat, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:22, archived)

you know..
now is a GREAT time to mention my next project

- it`s called "My Dyson" and I want to put photos of people`s Dysons on my web site... just Dysons

so - if you`re interested, send us a photo of your Dyson - e-mail addy in profile

(coooool!)
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:21, archived)

Do you work for either
1) Dyson

OR

2) Hoover

?
( Herr Tezcat, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:23, archived)

neither
but the more you think about the pointlessness of the project, the more it makes you smile

(well, me anyway)
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:25, archived)

So you have a cleaning fetish?




It's the sucking action, isn't it?
( Herr Tezcat, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:27, archived)

nooo
no promotion, or fetishes, just photos of Dyson vacuum cleaners

*shrug*
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:29, archived)

Digital camera comes out
"you've got mail"
(Goatse - is also using the gel, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:32, archived)

fuck
I do and all!

heheehhhehhe *coughs on ciggie* what a class picture!

better start this project good and proper tomorrow!! keep the photos coming, folks!

cheers, Rich!
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:34, archived)

Not just your upright one neither
Thats the cylinder job with the HEPA filters!
(Goatse - is also using the gel, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:39, archived)

I`d
better write that down then!
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:42, archived)

We had a Dyson in my student house.
It was shit. It weighed a ton and kept breaking. As a result, my Mum has a Sevo (which apparently they use in all the posh hospitals) and it's great.

That is all.
( Dr Phil Kitten, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:24, archived)

Svenno?

( Sunshine Elephant, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:25, archived)

thats exactly how i read it

( rosey i'm on ur {noun}, {verb}ing ur {noun}, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:30, archived)

There's a dyson in the house, it doesnt get used.
I'm not surprised it has no loss of suction, there's barely any to start with.
(goat thinks you're shit., Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:28, archived)

No way
Mine could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Are you sure its plugged in?
(Goatse - is also using the gel, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:35, archived)

send
a photo!
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:38, archived)

If we're spamming projects.
I'm going to do a peer-review site for b3ta covering films, books, plays, radio, music. I need a partner, preferably someone who knows what they're doing.
( supermoore: HUNG, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:24, archived)

you
need a partner "PERIOD"!*


* not as in the "the painters are in" sense
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:26, archived)

Haha! That comment is soooooooooo last week!
;)
( supermoore: HUNG, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:28, archived)

so`s
YOUR MA!
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:29, archived)

that maks no sense whatsoever
you norn iron ish twat.
( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:38, archived)

your
ma never complains
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:39, archived)

i had an idea for a website
but i didn't do it. i think i got my degree instead.
( martian, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:26, archived)

are those norks on that hoover?
hehe
( cwethan, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:22, archived)

if so, it's _very_ subtle
but I think I can see them :)
( edovan http://www.edovan.net, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:24, archived)

yes...
i like subtle norks :)
(Ampersand, Fri 8 Aug 2003, 23:30, archived)