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# I know this is text but it is quite funny
It seems this was a genuine letter, reprinted in The Guardian on 27/9/03, from the Inland Revenue.....

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox onto the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which, brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system." A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:17, archived)
# heee hee!
yay.
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:19, archived)
# True or not
I enjoyed that.

Edit: Remember last newsletter - the Soft Paws things for cats? (You glue them onto cats' paws to stop them sctratching stuff)

Well, I was well pissed last Friday and I rocketed off an e-mail to them registering my disgust with their products. The opening line was 'You lot are a fucking discrace'

I also managed to throw monkeys in there somehow. I got a very civil e-mail back correcting a few of my more 'strong views'...

Anyway, I'm not proud but there you go. Bored now.
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:19, archived)
# correcting them?
you mean it's OK to stick things to cats' claws?
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:30, archived)
# of course not!
But try sticking a banger up ones arse, now that's funny!
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:33, archived)
# Well, that's what I thought,
but the alternative is de-clawing or putting them to sleep.

I didn't read the reasons: too many cats/not enough homes, therefore better having the Soft Paws than the alternative.
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:33, archived)
# or not getting a cat
if you don't want to look after it properly. Or valuing your cat over your shitty furniture. cranberry.
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:37, archived)
# cranberry?
Not me I hope.
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:42, archived)
# What?
The only alternatives are declawing or death?

What planet are they on?
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:39, archived)
# i find treacle
is quite funny

especially if mixed with fizzing candy
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:34, archived)
# i like that.
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:20, archived)
# ha ha
what a tosser
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:20, archived)
# hahah
super, yay for dancing whores!
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:20, archived)
# Blimey
it was worth reading and everything!
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:21, archived)
# Ah, good old Chris Addison
/I don't think it is genuine, as the Mr addison in question is a comedian. But it is vey fanny
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:21, archived)
# now THAT
is quality...
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:22, archived)
# ha ha
hahahahahaha!

That has placed a broad grin on my face.
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:22, archived)
# I wish I got to write letters like that.
The general public ought to be strung up...
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:23, archived)
# fangasmic
yay
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:25, archived)
# thank you
that's bloody tremendous.
(, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:28, archived)