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[challenge entry] There are other religions to pick on.

From the Modernise the Bible challenge. See all 404 entries (closed)

(poshpaws360 Minced, Sliced and Diced., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:55, archived)
# I like the chap on the left's tie
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:56, archived)
# that's the first step of conversion
BEWARE!
(I helped save b3ta! pzyko Query failed., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:57, archived)
# I'm already very happy with my religion, but i still like his tie.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:58, archived)
# What's your fursona?
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:01, archived)
# I don't know, therefore I will consult the source of all knowledge.
www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Furry-Persona-(Fursona)

edit: I think I identify mostly with the human animal.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:04, archived)
# Fucking furries.
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:05, archived)
# "Related wikiHows:
How to Cosplay Marina Kingston"
WTF?
(I helped save b3ta! pzyko Query failed., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:06, archived)
# my trolly senses are tingling.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:07, archived)
# I'd like to have a trolley sense
no more picking the one with the bad wheel for me!
MUAHUAHUAHUAHUA
(I helped save b3ta! pzyko Query failed., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:11, archived)
# Hahaha!
*groan*
(I helped save b3ta! Prequal This is serious business. Very serious., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:14, archived)
# you can also follow this
to a 9 step guide on washing your face.

how useful.
(Sobric scruffle me nuts, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:53, archived)
# My religion is Jeff Wayne.
How about you?
(Jeru War and Piss, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:04, archived)
# Our beer, which art in barrels.
Hallowed by thy drink.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:06, archived)
# Silly kebab, austrailian beer is not kept in barrels.
It is kept in urinals.
(Jeru War and Piss, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:11, archived)
# not all australian beer is piss. I suspect that the decent stuff is hard to find in the uk
rather like English beers here.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:13, archived)
# I can't really think of any english beers to the honest, mostly ales.
Well that's a lie anyway because all the stuff like fosters and heineken and budwisers is all brewed here anyway.

I prefer vinegar. They should make a vinegar drink in a similar way they made a meat drink with bovril.
(Jeru War and Piss, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:15, archived)
# ale is a subset of beer.
And I think I've had vinegars that taste better than wine.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:18, archived)
# I think he wants a larger beer
(waxdart hello., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:22, archived)
# I like to cum
on earth as well a faces.
(waxdart hello., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:12, archived)
# I prefer the on on the right's rapist stare
(I helped save b3ta! @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:58, archived)
# it is rather good.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:59, archived)
# my left or your left?
(I helped save b3ta! Jamnog Sardines in her eyebrows, lobsters up and down, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:59, archived)
# my left.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:03, archived)
# oh yes, that is a lovely tie
wonder if he got it from the kolob mothership
(I helped save b3ta! Jamnog Sardines in her eyebrows, lobsters up and down, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:16, archived)
# Things I think Mormons carry in their backpacks:
Golf
Various guises, including ¬
- Slavic Grandmother
- Wolf
- Yatch
A small folk-art image of a house
A book on grooming horses
Sandwiches (various)
Pestilence.
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:58, archived)
# what about spare ties?
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:59, archived)
# Kebab, hello.
Hello mate. Hi there, buddy. Hey! Hellotes, Kebab.
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:01, archived)
# hellote.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:07, archived)
# MORE TIES THAN GOD
(I helped save b3ta! Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:02, archived)
# UNCOUNTABLY MANY TIES
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:08, archived)
# You forgot fancy shoes.
Also beliefs which contradict both the bible and logic.
(Jeru War and Piss, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:00, archived)
# Yeah, admittedly it was a shabby list. All I could think of were dead animals and bottled hatred.
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:00, archived)
# I wish you could really bottle hatred.
Or have a nice cup of RAAAGEEE.

The closest thing I can think to either of these is malt vinegar, which is like someone distilled satan's frustration and bottled it.
(Jeru War and Piss, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:03, archived)
# Perfect to put on your Chips of the Damned.
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:04, archived)
# I'm fairly sure that if you hurled a bottle of Sarson's vinegar at a christian's face it would hurt them.
Proof that it is evil distillate!
(Jeru War and Piss, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:07, archived)
# Actual real proof.
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:20, archived)
# we would also have accepted: smaller backpacks, a necklace of mammoth tusks and a small family of edible dormice
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:05, archived)
# Your ideas are better too. I'm crap at thoughts.
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:06, archived)
# Do the smaller backpacks
have even smaller backpacks in them?
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:07, archived)
# don't be silly. They contain tupperware, which in turn contain smaller tupperware
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:10, archived)
# Does the smaller tupperware contain
tiny necklaces of mammoth tusks and tiny dormice?
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:11, archived)
# nobody knows - it is against their beliefs to open the smaller tupperware.
To open one would call upon the wrath of God or some-such; not too dissimilar from when the Nazis opened up the Ark of the Covenant that time.
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:22, archived)
# Could you get a whole VW Golf in one of them?
(I helped save b3ta! Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:12, archived)
# Oh of course - their backpacks are blessed with much space and many pouches.
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:18, archived)
# I'm goign to have to "go mormon" just to aquire one of these backpacks :D
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:24, archived)
# They have a poo pouch too. For poo.
(I helped save b3ta! Ttssattsr, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:30, archived)
# now THAT is practical!
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:33, archived)
# this is one of my favouritest lists ever
(I helped save b3ta! Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:55, archived)
# DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM
(I helped save b3ta! pzyko Query failed., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:01, archived)
# it's not another religion.
It's the same bible, just with one extra book.
(I helped save b3ta! LordManley twitter.com/LordManley, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:05, archived)
# The two don't necessarily follow.
The JWs claim not to be Christian, but they're adherents to the Bible nonetheless. Christianity is different from Judaism, even though it has the same Bible with a few extra books.
(I helped save b3ta! Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:08, archived)
# Nevertheless
Mormons believe that Jesus was the son of God and follow his teachings. In fact, of all the Christian denominations, Mormons seem to be the ones who most closely adhere to the whole 'be nice to people' thing.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:09, archived)
# Be nice to people
unless they're gay, of course. Or selling Coca-Cola.
(I helped save b3ta! Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:12, archived)
# Mormons support same-sex relationships
That's another reason why this post isn't funny. It just states the facts as they exist. Mormons do not consider being gay to be a sin.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:13, archived)
# They've been pretty shitty about gay marriage in the States...
They pretty much funded the Californian opposition to it.
(I helped save b3ta! Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:16, archived)
# Private individuals did
the mormon church didn't.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:22, archived)
# I'm no-one considers it a sin to be black, yet still hate black people though.
I've also spoken to someone who invited mormons into their house and as soon as gay people were mentioned they went bat shit crazy.
(Jeru War and Piss, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:17, archived)
# The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
have stated categorically that being gay is a-ok with them. If some mormons have personal objections, that's got nothing to do with their religion - any more so than Nick Griffin being a protestant makes the Church of England racist or that me liking beef makes beef-liking an essential part of atheism.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:21, archived)
# Yes but at the same time the BNP have also catagorically stated they're not racists.
So you'll forgive me if I'm rather sceptical of religions which are essentially founded on making up arbitrary hierarchies to make themselves feel better than people which are actually forgiving.
(Jeru War and Piss, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:26, archived)
# Me too
still they officially don't mind gays.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:33, archived)
# plus there's that 10% of your income thing
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:21, archived)
# Whereabouts is that in the Bible?
I know that was the law in the middle-ages, and the church have always claimed that it's the rules. But where is it in the actual bible?
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:24, archived)
# Page 432, somewhere near the bottom, just after the bit that says "build huge fecking churches filled with gold, murals and statues that you should all pray to"
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:32, archived)
# jawas?
(I helped save b3ta! op op op op op I stink therfore I spam, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 16:01, archived)
# Mormonism isn't a religion in it's own right.
They're a Christian denomination. It's a particularly whacky brand of Christianity, but Christianity all the same.

To be fair, they're whacky in a fun way, not whacky the way Catholics are whacky.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:05, archived)
# The second coming has happened in America
Jesus gave a bloke magic spectacles to read scriptures made of gold.

The guy must have been immensely strong just the carry the fuckers!!!
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:12, archived)
# He didn't have to carry them
That's the best bit; the angel who gave them to him told him to bury them and not tell anyone where they are.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:15, archived)
# I know that
but he still had to shift them and one point.
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:42, archived)
# The Wheelbarrow of the Covenant
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:48, archived)
# Aren't most religions 'of the wacky brand'?
(I helped save b3ta! Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:13, archived)
# They're all stupid
but the Mormons are the Timmy Mallet of religions.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:14, archived)
# *clicks*
(Should probably be *smites*, but hey :-)
(I helped save b3ta! Bee Nice |-|, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:18, archived)
# WACKADAY - THE END OF ALL DAYS
(Jeru War and Piss, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:18, archived)
# The Garys...
Busey and Sinise... the unholy alliance
(I helped save b3ta! Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:12, archived)
# Really?

What kind of relationships?
(I helped save b3ta! mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:30, archived)
# Sexy ones

The best kind
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:41, archived)
# Mmmmmm

(I helped save b3ta! mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 15:00, archived)
# Some Mormons came to my door this morning
I wanted to be mean and scathing, but they were such nice people.

Also they were old.

So in the end I just took their magazines and shook their hands.
(I helped save b3ta! Schweaty Minge I spunked in your tea! Taste it and see! D:, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:38, archived)
# Wearing a tie with a short-sleeved shirt?
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 17:43, archived)