On the subject of heart disease...
Here's how to make a decent salad:

Take a head of lettuce, I don't give a fuck what kind. Anything green will do. Wash the living daylights out of it, then wash it again- the last thing you want is to have your healthy snack interrupted by vermin. Chop this into small chunks.

Take some tomatoes, green peppers, a red onion, some decent black olives (not the cheap ones, they are preserved with sulphur dioxide and taste like a prostitute's clunge) and some cheese. Give them all the same treatment. Don't wash the cheese, though. Unless you're neurotic, or retarded.

In a small bowl, or beer bottle, combine the following:
*1 cup olive oil
*1/3 cup balsamic vinegar
*a decent pinch of salt
*two grinds of black pepper
*a shake of Worcester sauce

Got that all in? Good. Open a bottle of wine/beer/pour a shot of Jagermeister/get some fucking alcohol ready. Drink.

Take the bowl/bottle of miscellaneous ingredients, and shake the fuck out of it. If you think it's ready, it isn't. When you have what approximates oil soup, put the bottle down and have another drink. Get your guests one, too.

Take all those lovely veggies that you previously washed, washed and chopped up and fling them in a large, beautiful bowl. Form your face into a Ramsay-esque sneer and dig your hands in, and Toss The Salad. Giggle to yourself. Then drizzle lashings of the dressing that you previously made over this mixture, top with the cheese and serve to your guests with the obligatory comedically-large fork and spoon.

Congratulations! You've just made a salad. Your arteries will thank you in the morning.

If you, like me, quail at the thought of a meatless meal, fear not. Simply follow these steps:

Take two chicken breasts and cut them into strips. Throw a decent amount of salt over them.

Get a pan Olivia Wilde hot (not Michelle Rodriguez hot; that is for beef). When iit's hot, throw your chicken strips in and (this is important, kids) DO NOT stir them for at least a minute. When you do stir (or flip them), they will be beautifully brown. Repeat for the raw side of the meat.

When they're ready, have another drink. Then grind some pepper over, and slide the meat onto your beautifully made salad. It's still mostly fat-free, and meaty too!

Ayethangy'all (slices open croissant and awaits flames of wrath)

NINJA EDIT (inspired by Edenmonster, see below): Don't use all the dressing. Just use enough to add flavour, and save the rest for future salads.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 0:01, 11 replies)

'It's still mostly fat-free, and meaty too!'
Yes, it is. No wait, the dressing has a cup of olive oil in it. How the fuck is that fat free? It's an entire cup of fat.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 1:39, closed)

Sir,
Agreed; it's an entire cup of fat.

Although, the fat found in olive oil is much healthier than the fat found in, for example, your average deep fryer, or portion of bacon.

Furthermore (and this is my fault) it's not necessary to use the entire quantity of dressing. Please accept my sister as a token of apology.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 2:03, closed)

Ok, I've decided to overlook it this time.
As to your sister, tempted as I am, I'm a one woman man these days.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 11:26, closed)

My sister sends a message of arse-felt gratitude.

(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 15:45, closed)

What kind of moron tosses the salad before adding the dressing?
Oh right. The same sort of moron who thinks raw green pepper is even vaguely suitable for human consumption. Derp herp fucking derpity herp derp.

edit: apologies if you're an American or sutin
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 8:09, closed)

The same moron who's worked in restaurants for seven years
and never had anyone complain about his salads. Or any of his food, for that matter.

I'm South African, by the way.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 8:51, closed)

You work in restaurants and toss the salad before you add the dressing?
Ahahahahahahahahaha.

Hahahahahaha.

Oh man. That's brilliant.

edit: unless this whole thread has been one long euphemism about analingus and I've missed the whole thing. Boy. I'd look a bit of a twat then.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 19:00, closed)

Terribly sorry, I believe that there's been a bit of a communications breakdown.
Of COURSE we don't eat salad here! This is Africa! Silly me, I'll just go and crank that giraffe around on its spit, shall I?

If you knew about cooking as much as you know about being a general Internet wanker, you'd be fucking Grant Achatz, mate.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 22:02, closed)

I've eaten plenty of salad in south africa.
I've just never met anybody who believed they were a chef but who didn't realise that the point of tossing the salad is to coat it with the fucking dressing, not to give it a little pre-vinaigrette fucking tango lesson.

Soz.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 23:00, closed)

The point of tossing a salad is to mix its ingredients, not to coat it in dressing.
If you didn't know that, you deserve to be sold into slavery, or whatever it is you Brits do to your underclass.

Apologies. I just found out that my friend died... I'm drunk, y'see.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 2:40, closed)

Toss the salad to mix all the vegies
then drizzle over the dressing and gently toss - so you coat everything but don't end up with all your dressing pooled at the bottom of the bowl & NOT coated nicely over your salad.

Sorry Shambo but sometimes your vitriolic responses really do make you look like a dumb cunt.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 3 Jul 2012, 10:05, closed)

I'm looking forward to more pictures of the Acropolis
It was good, that.
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 12:07, closed)