John and the Incredible Exploding Gunpowder Plot
I once shared a flat with an incredibly posh fella named John. He was great. Absolutely mental.

To say John was a bit of a ladies man is like saying Keith Richards likes a good night out. John was constantly getting laid, bringing strange girls back to the flat and doing the dirty deed.

One particular night, I was in the kitchen making some toast when John, with his latest conquest waiting in the bedroom, walks in wearing his dressing gown, he goes over to the cupboard and gets out the cheese grater.

"Alright, Spanky," said John, as he turned on his heels and fucked off back to his bedroom.

Nonplused, I continued making my toast.

The next morning I noticed the cheese grater on the draining board. I was scared...

"Errr, John, mate - what the fuck did you do with that last night?" I asked.

He looked at me with his cheeky Robbie Williams smile (aparently people said he looked like the monkey-faced twat from Take That), and said: "Spanky... you really don't want to know."

And from that moment on I never had grated cheese in that flat again, and I started sterilising any utensils in hot water before I used them.

Now, I've mentioned that John was posh. I mean, POSH. He was a proper toff. He even went shooting pheasants (not peasants like I thought he said), on Boxing Day with his old man.

And this is how he managed to get hold of some shotgun cartridges. He kept them in his draw.

A week or so after the cheese grater incident of shame, as I like to call it, John brought another young lady back. This one I'd seen before and I knew I was in for a sleepless night - I nicknamed her Screamy Sue, because it was in her nature to howl like she was being electrocuted when she was having a cock inside her.

John and Screamy Sue fucked off to his room, I settle down to watch Smokey and the Bandit on DVD.

After a few moments I heard the most incredible and enduring blood curdling scream. Fucking Screamy Sue, I thought, wondering if I could pop in John's room and gag her. But then I realised it was a masculine, manly scream. It was John.

Fuck me, that's a bit odd, I thought.

Then suddenly the flat was filled with: "SPAA-NNNNN-KKKK-YYYY !!! HEEEE-LLLL-PPPP MMMMEEEEEE !!!"

Oh, sweet holy mother of fuck! I thought. Screamy Sue's only gone and stabbed as part of some weird kinky sex game gone wrong.

I tear-arsed off the sofa, got to John's room, flung open the door-

-and saw something... really... fucking... strange...

Well, first off there was a rather sexy looking naked girl in the room, so I had a good look at her. Yes, she was crying and had mascara streaming down her face so she looked like she was a member of Kiss, but she was naked and rather hot.

But not the hottest thing in the room.

John was strapped to the bed with bondage tape.

And he was on fire. Well, his chest was on fire. He looked up at me and screamed for me to put the flames out.

I ran back to the kitchen, filled up a saucepan, ran back and chucked it on him, dousing the flames with a long sizzling sound. It smelt like burned hair and skin in John's room. Fucking horrible.

A few moments later Scarey Sue was in a taxi heading back to Kensington. John and I were in the livingroom, smoking. John was wrapped in sodden bogroll - he looked like a fucking mummy from the waist up and the neck down.

I just happened to ask John in as tactful a way as possible: "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED???"

And he explained.

Apparently, in his pissed up state, he managed to convince Scarey Sue to set fire to him. Well, to his chest hair. Apparently he got a bit of a buzz from the feel of his chest wig burning... He'd found a shotgun cartridge in his draw, broke it open, asked Sue to tie him to the bed, pour the gunpowder from the cartridge on his chest liberally, and...

... set fire to it...

*silence*

Eventually I piped up: "You owe me bigtime, fella... I don't mind saving your fucking life, but I've just seen your cock, and there's some things I just don't ever need to see..."

The upper classes are weird.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:38, 7 replies)

Jesus Buddha!
That is truly very odd. Click for bringing it to my warped attention!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:42, closed)

Fuckin' excellent!
*clicks*
Good story!
( Cawl, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:45, closed)

*Click*
Screamy Sue... I likes the sounds of her!
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:30, closed)

Pictures or it didn't happen? :)
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 17:39, closed)

That
is amazing. Fucking hilarious in fact. Did she come back?
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 19:44, closed)

Win
Purely because you took a good look at his lass before putting out the flames engulfing your friend.
(ZoFreX is cleaner than smoked trout, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 15:27, closed)

But....
....I'm more interested in what he did with the cheese grater?
(twatspangler is bent over in front of your dad on, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 21:28, closed)