As a
somewhat gawky, awkward teenager (although how many of my dear sweet B3tan cohorts could also say that?) I never really got any, for want of a better word, action. Although in my teenage mind this was probably pronounced 'akkshun', in a desperate attempt to sex up the depressingly normal round of onanistic chafing.

Going to an all boys school, surrounded by testosterone fuelled young men (most of whom were interested in the opposite sex) didn't help. I had the normal level of male desire to bump uglies with a girl whose figure would prohibit her from standing upright, but lacked the skill, tact, or confidence to pull off the coup de grace.

*wavy lines, calender pages flipping, spinning newspaper headlines*

Cut forward to me aged 20... still with cherry unpopped, now with a raging desire to do *it*. Luckily for my mental health I had put myself under massive pressure to conform and was now slightly losing it (but that is another story).

Anyway, on to the disappointment part. In my first year of undergrad I fell head over heels in love with a girl whom I shall call Jane*. Jane was (and still probably is) 5'2", a leftwing activist, dreadlocked, and with a fantastic personality (and to be honest a damned good body too).

I fell for her, heavily, painfully. I dreamt of her, I tried talking to her and, weirdly, she seemed to respond. Things went slowly until one night after a party, we ended up in my room, with a bottle of stolen wine, a toaster, marmite and bread.

This was something of an unprecedented situation for me. I'd never even taken a woman's bra off before, and now it appeared that the holy grail was going to give itself up to me. With a girl who drove me crazy.

Things heated up, we kissed, ate toast, kissed again, then she slowly slid her top off and, with my mind screaming at me, it finally seemed to be happening.

She insisted we use a condom, so I reached into the draw and got one out. Clumsily, being drunk, I put it on, and then turned to my love... and this is where it went wrong.

I don't remember exactly what happened, I think the shock has blurred it out but, one minuted I'm on top of the most attractive girl who had thus far taken interest in me, the next minute I'm clamping a t-shirt to my groin as blood spurted from a gash in my little friend.

The whole experience disappointed me massively... I'd patently failed to win over the girl I liked, I'd failed to lose my virginity, and to top it all off I appeared to have mangled my undercarriage somehow.

Sensibly (or so it seemed so at the time), I decided to avoid women for a while and spent the next 3 years drunk. Jane barely spoke to me again, and the next girl I went out with slept with three strangers in the back of a car on a night out.

So thats it, my first attempt at sex was massively disappointing. Not that subsequent attempts have been anything but stunningly mediocre.

Length, depth, blood pumping pressure etc.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:40, 7 replies)

What happened?
Snapped banjo string?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:42, closed)

Probably
although given I spent the next 10 days or so drunk I have no clear idea.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:44, closed)

ouch!
a mate of mine snapped his banjo string, he swears he lost at least 2 pints of blood. i know it must be horrifically painful, but 2 pints? i doubt it!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:52, closed)

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
bad memory of woman with a chuff the size of a pencil sharpener.

Didn't stop me trying tho' heh.
( FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Mon 30 Jun 2008, 17:28, closed)

"I'd patently failed to win over the girl I liked"
um, you managed to almost have sex with her- that's pretty good going.

Good luck to you though x
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 17:47, closed)

@MM
well true I suppose... but given I wanted more than a one night stand with her it kind of went wrong.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 0:35, closed)

Ouch!
Both in the physical and emotional sense.

* clickyhugs *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 21:51, closed)