Does a story about avoiding a fight count?
I used to run a pub with my dad, it was a bit rough. It was opposite the Magistrate's Court, so Thursdays usually saw the place full of the less desirable members of society celebrating their acquittals or drowning their sorrows. Most of the time it was fine, some of the guys were, although clearly scallywags, quite a good laugh, and generally they were always nice to me, my mum & dad & the other staff - it was just each other they used to like knocking seven bells out of O_o

One Saturday afternoon there was a Scottish guy sitting at the end of the bar, getting steadily more and more and more pissed. He wasn't a regular, I'd never seen him before, and he was making me a bit nervous. He'd already kicked off a couple of times and been calmed down by his mates - proper stereotypical drunken ranting along the lines of "I love you, you're my best mate you are, I fuckin' love you, wanker, I'll fuckin' 'ave you, fucking cunt, what are you looking at? mumble mumble" before settling back down - this usually being directed to whoever was walking past him at the time.

At one point, he beckoned me over and told me he was having one more pint, then going. That was a relief, I hadn't been relishing the idea of throwing him out - those of you who've met me have probably realised that I might look like a bruiser, but I'm actually more of a teddy bear fucking wimp. Before he went though, he wanted to tell me a joke.

Remember I mentioned he was Scottish? Well he had a proper Glaswegian accent, which was fairly hard to understand when he came in; several pints had rendered him nearly unintelligible to me. Seriously, it was like Russ Abbott's C.U. Jimmy. So the joke went like this:

Him: "Ah hee a hur a hee a hur hur a hee a hur"
Me: "Right... go on"
Him: "Ah hee a hur a hee a hur hur a hee a hur"
Me: "Okay!" *smiles encouragingly*
Him: "Ah hee a hur a hee a hur hur a hee a hur"
Me: "Ha, right?"
Him: "Ah hee a hur a hee a hur hur a hee a hur"
Me: *nods"
Him: "Ah hee a hur a hee a hur hur a hee a HUR!!!" *laughs*
Me: *laughs uproariously*

With that he downed his pint, shook my hand and left. That was twenty years ago, and I don't know a single word of that entire joke.

tl;dr - I pretended to understand someone so that he didn't punch me
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:19, 3 replies)

Yup. Done exactly the same. Except with mine, it ended in
Him: "Wheel?"

Me: "Er ... yeah! Hahahahaha!"

Him: "WHIT?!"

Me: "Erm ... *whine*"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:40, closed)

My grandfather was from Glascow
and also liked a pint or two, and was also barely intelligible.

Conversations with his were almost identical to yours, except they always ended with 'Ye cheeky wee bastard' when he realised I was only pretending to understand.
(username failed moderation, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 16:57, closed)

ah yes. the old Nod and Play Along.
Also useful for when old senile people are trying to remenisce. *Fixed grin, stiff nod, just say 'Mmm Hmmm' every so often so they continue.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 19:10, closed)