Hospitalised
This is a basic story of a Hollywood blockbuster I envision for the future. It is called 'Hospitalised' and would easily top the box office on its opening weekend. Before you ask - yes, a sequel does exist...


Hugh Grant plays Timothy Bottomley, an upper class English toff. So that’s Hugh Grant basically playing himself.

He tries to chat up the pretty blonde receptionist at the hospital. Damn he likes her. He is just about to get in the lift when ahhhh crap! In a scene that could be described as the most shocking ever seen, the Russians start bombing the hospital. Machine gunning the windows and generally blowing shit up.

Hugh Grant sees that the receptionist is essentially, fucked. So he runs out grabs her, mumbles ‘come with me’ and leads her to the lift. He presses for the top floor and up they go. They hold a discussion as they go up. It’s not important to be honest and has nothing to do with the plot except to suggest they may get together at the end. They won’t. Do not be fooled. They’ll confess their love for each other about 75 minutes in and then she will die.

They get to the top of the hospital building.. Up here! She says. They go up the stairs and find themselves on the roof of the hospital building. They look down and see that loads of army men are surrounding the building. A megaphone from the Russians states that any patients must be killed or give themselves up now. Evil laugh since he knows many are bed ridden. Hugh looks a bit queasy. They are unsure what to do next when a shout comes from behind them. ‘Psst’. They turn around. Patrick Swayze is standing there and tells them he owns the hospital. The receptionist confirms this by saying ‘Mr Ballamatron’. Zoom out on hospital. ‘Ballamatron Hospital’ is written on the building.

The threesome talk about a strategy. Swayze talks about the many secret passages he has put in the hospital knowing that one day the Russians would come for him. ‘Why?’ ‘We haven’t got time’ says Swayze. And flashes a toothy grin. He leads them to an emergency staircase and they run down it into a ward. Swayze lifts a carpet and reveals a trapdoor. They all go down into the room. The room is full of weapons and Grant demands answers. He bumbles a bit because this is Hugh Grant we are talking about. The woman talks for the firs time in a while. ‘It’s alright’ she says ‘ He’s from Memphis’. This answer is acceptable. It gets a laugh from everyone in the room. Swayze says they must act fast but states that this secret room is completely fool proof and that nobody will get in. However it comes at a cost; the longer they stay in the room, the more people will die and eventually, the Russians will get what they came for. Hugh Grant states they must act fast then. Swayze agrees. So does the woman. They arm themselves and prepare to fight. They each agree that they will work together to take the top floor and slowly work their way back down.

They exit the secret room via a tunnel, this tunnel comes out at a fake vending machine. Swayze states he must eat some. ‘Why?’ Says Grant. ‘Because death gives me a sweet tooth’ replies Swayze. He smiles. All is good. Just as Swayze is putting cash in the vending machine a guard rounds the corner. Grant pushes Swayze to the floor and pulls the woman behind the vending machine. He quickly fires his submachine gun and takes down the guard. ‘I owe you one’ says Swayze. ‘Don’t worry about it’ says Grant. ‘No I will, we’re even now though’ says Swayze as he places one M&M into his hand. ‘I think you owe me one too’ says the secretary provocatively with the glint in her eye that screams out ‘slut’. Hugh misses the point so hands her the M&M and rushes off telling Swayze and the girl he has an idea.

He comes back moments later with doctor’s uniforms. They put them on then proceed around the floor killing 3 more guards. Fortunately, one of the Russians was a female so they swap the doctor costumes for the Russian ones. They head back to the room for more ammo. They come back and find 4 more guards on the top floor. They take them out. They head downstairs and meet two more guards. Bang fucking bang! Two more down. Another has heard the commotion though and grabs the girl. She beats the shit out of him and they advance. ‘Where did you learn to kick like that?’ asks Grant. ‘I’ve had lots of boyfriends’ she says. Brilliant. If you were unsure before, you now definitely know she is a slut.

‘Come in Yuri’ goes the radio. Swayze picks up the radio and speaks perfect Russian back. Grant and lady are confused. How does he know Russian? ‘Cold War’ states Swayze when he sees their glances. They aren’t convinced. He leads them to another tunnel in a surgeons ward (in the cupboards.) Yet more weapons await them. They arm themselves again. Grant does the ammo for each person’s weapon. The lights flicker for no real reason – the secretary links this to the Russians accessing the computer systems. This is a problem. The computer system, if hacked correctly (and trust me, it will be), can bring up where the secret locations are. Can the secretary stop them? Obviously she can. Lucky they have her. Apparently, the computers are kept in Swayze’s office on the floor below. As Swayze guides them to his office, he also takes more radios from the secret base. He pretends he is many different Russian’s across the top 3 floors. Brilliant.

They take out a few more guards including a fight where Grant flies through the air and uses two pistols to shoot two different people dead. One unfortunately was a civilian casualty. Grant is upset but keeps his bottom lip quiver to a minimum. The lights flicker again. ‘They may have got through’ says the secretary. They rush to the office. Nobody is there. The lady taps away and states that she has successfully deleted the data. ‘Yes!’ they all cry. By now, Grant is low on bullets and asks to visit that floor’s hidden room. There are two apparently. They agree that going to just one is a good idea. On the way they try a payphone. ‘Out’ says the secretary. None have a mobile on them because it’s a hospital. Clever, eh?

Swayze then states that one hidden room is ‘in there’ but runs past it. The other two stop. Grant asks why they don’t go in it. ‘It hasn’t been stocked recently’ states Swayze. They run on to the next room. Another surgery room. They open the cupboards and three Russians jump out. Grant deals with them then accuses Swayze of leading them to that room to get killed. He set them up! Swayze protests his innocence but Grant doesn’t listen They have a fistfight and it ends with Grant using the heart attack pads on Swayze’s chest knocking him out. This is a clever reverse reference to Bean: The Ultimate Disaster Movie. ‘C’mon’ says Grant and they enter the secret hideout.

Inside they realise they haven’t got much time but this does not stop them sharing a very passionate kiss before reloading. ‘I can’t wait to see your gun’ says the Secretary. Slut. ‘Which one?’ says Hugh. He shows her the 3 guns on him. ‘The one in your trousers’ she states. ‘Oh the pistol.’ He withdraws this too. ‘Anyway c’mon!’ They rush off out of another tunnel. They come across some other Russians discussing some stuff. They run down some stairs but stop before hitting the floor. They are now on floor 5. This is not relevant really. They hear that the Russians are trying to get through to Yuri and his cronies. No response because Swayze is down! Ah! Madness! They curse their stupidity. What are the Russians after though? Well Hugh asks that to the secretary right after they take down the second in command on the fifth floor and annihilate the others around him. The whole idea that there is 4 guards a floor is preposterous but this is a film. Anyway, the woman says that she saved all the folders onto a memory stick before deleting crap for Swayze. They run to a computer, which happens to be in the next room and find out. Swayze has hoarded most of the Russian armies weapons since the cold war. And now they want them back. This explains the weapons rooms and also explains the random nukes that you would have seen in the weapons room. Grant probably references it within he first half hour but you forget because of the action and Swayze’s kick ass attitude.

The two decide they must get out and continue fighting to the different floors. They get to ground level and almost get to reception but they are faced with a huge array of Russian army men. He congratulates them on doing so well against his men. And then personally thanks the secretary for bringing Hugh Grant to him. ‘What?’ says Hugh Grant. Yep, the bitch was a Russian spy all along and had been working against Swayze for the past 6 months. After this display of shell shock on Hugh’s face, the Russian leader states they must bring it to an end. As now ‘I must kill you’. ‘This is a hello from Russia’ says the General as the woman goes and stands with him. Pause. He lifts the gun. ‘AND THIS IS A GOODBYE FROM MEMPHIS!’ scream Swayze. He bursts in, shouts to Hugh to jump and a rocket is fired. Kaboom! It blows up and kills most of the Russians. But the bitch is still alive. She aims at Swayze. A shot is fired and she falls down dead. ‘Like the feel of my gun, bitch?’ says Hugh Grant. The two relax. All is good with the world.

The End.

-----------------------------------

Apologies for length but he's from Memphis.
(Foz, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 12:28, 9 replies)

Great Idea But...
...can I suggest a different version, a "short", if you will?

1. Hugh Grant says "gosh!" a lot
2. Hugh Grant gets shot in the head
3. The end

OK, I'm into minimalism, what can I say?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 12:47, closed)

^
I like Edmund's idea better
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 12:56, closed)

That. Was.
AWESOME!.....
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 13:09, closed)

Hmm...
You'd be surprised about how many people want Hugh dead.

This is obviously a trilogy so we'll just have to see...
(Foz, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 15:32, closed)

Isn't Swayze dead yet?
I thought he was dying somewhere.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sat 19 Jul 2008, 17:08, closed)

I would actually pay real money to see that.

(Xstopher, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 18:40, closed)

Hmm
Patrick Swayze is receiving chemotherapy for pancreatic cancer, so I don't know if he'd be up to such acrobatics as are outlined here. Also, Hugh Grant never plays an action hero, but perhaps that's what you were going for?
(AlfishKK, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 19:31, closed)

Yup
I had a discussion with a mate about how seeing Hugh Grant in an action film would raise his credibility and be pretty hilarious...

The reason Swayze is in it is because I love the film Road House and he never seems to take himself too seriously.
(Foz, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 20:07, closed)

I'm pretty sure this film already exists
Perhaps you saw it but forgot?
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 11:47, closed)