My Stupid Life in 4155 Characters (including spaces) (but not including this bit)
You want to know about my OCD-like habits? You’re leaning against an open door there. Except the door wouldn’t be open, because I would’ve locked it, tried the handle to check it was locked, saying “Locked” out loud as I did so, then walked to the car, thought “Did I lock the door?”, walked back, tried the handle, confirmed to my stupid bastard brain that it was indeed locked, walked back to the car, driven off, thought “Yes, but did I lock the BACK door?”, stopped, driven back, unlocked the front door, dashed to the back door, checked the handle and realised that Yes, it was locked, dashed back, locked the front door, got in the car, driven off again, then thought “Ah, but when I checked the back door, did I lock the front door that second time?”, stopped, driven back, tried the handle, driven off again, thought “Hang on, as I was leaving, could the kitten have run down the stairs silently and fled the house without me noticing?”, stopped, driven back, and so on and so on, repeat until flung into a padded cell (where some other poor sod can worry about whether my bloody door’s locked). Here are some highlights from my life;

The TV in the living room displays the volume as a number onscreen. When changing the volume, that number must be even. If you pick an odd volume it’ll probably break the TV, like putting unleaded in your diesel car, or watching E4.

I can’t put ‘my’ rubbish in a public bin. Let’s say I’m in town and feel peckish, so I buy some food. I have no problem dumping the wrapper in the nearest bin. But now let’s say instead of buying food, I find a bag of pork scratchings in my devastatingly stylish man-bag, which I took from home in case I needed a fat-and-bristle-based snack whilst out. Once I’ve finished scoffing the fried pig-bum, I can’t drop the empty bag in a nearby bin. Why? I’m not sure. But I have this pang of almost parental care towards that bag. It has seen the warm indoor life of my home. It has been carried in the bosom of my man-bag. It’s not some cheap floozy I picked up in Superdrug, it’s a bag from my house. To dump it outside, in amongst the public, left to withstand the elements, would be cruel. Pigeons would peck it. Tramps would inspect it. Jordan would feed her young with it. No, I have to take that litter home, where I dispose of it in the comfort of a nice indoor bin (in amongst the rotting food and cat-shit).

I’m a chuffing riot when it comes to cooking. Like many other B3tans, I’m wary of cross-contamination between the various ingredients - When making a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich, I wipe the knife more thoroughly than Pete Townshend deleting his Temporary Internet Files. If I’m cooking burgers, the spatula will get a thorough washing between flips - Hot water, Fairy Liquid, the lot. Otherwise the evil germy burger-juice it picked up on the first flip will get deposited back on the burger on the last, leading to horrific poo-based death for all. Until only recently (when the missus showed me the right way to do it), if I was cooking any sort of meat, it would spend longer under the grill than it did on the planet.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who, after using a public toilet, tries to pull the main door open by using my little finger at the very bottom of the handle. I’m also fairly sure there are people who see me do this and, just for fun, wipe their nob on the handle.

PS Bizarrely, given my slavishness to hygiene, I absolutely abhor that advert for the hands-free soap-dispenser. “Imagine the germs that live on your soap pump!” Yes, just imagine. Now imagine the very next thing everyone does immediately after touching a soap pump, i.e. WASH THEIR HANDS. Stop bloody trying to scare us all into a Howard Hughes-like paranoia in which we’re convinced every surface is crawling with evil unless we drench it in your miracle cure, you bastards. I’m convinced these companies are being run by an alien race who are softening us up with hand-sanitiser and bumwash in preparation for a global attack, in which they sneeze on one of us and our puny immune systems collapse instantly. You know, like in War of the Worlds, only without the songs.
(costas, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 15:02, 7 replies)

that soap pump holder pisses me off
saw the ad for the first time yesterday, thought exactly the same thing about washing hands after touching the pump
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 15:32, closed)

RE: wiping nob on door handle
Yes, yes I do. Just for you OCD folks.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 15:55, closed)

You're insane
Peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich?
(MightyRob, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 16:46, closed)

I do the utensil cleaning thing too...
... and always attempt to open the toilet door using my little finger on the part of the handle I think will have been touched the least.
If I can afford it I'll get over the latter (as well as having to hold the disgustingly greasy metalwork on public transport) by carrying alcohol-based hand cleaner with me always -- it seems to help with my soap alergies too.
I should point out that I will eat almost anything and am not afraid of "germs" -- I just hate when my hands smell of other people's grease.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 17:39, closed)

Click for 'Jordan will feed her young with it'
Gave me a truthlol :)

I do the door handle thing too, and agree on the soap dispensers (heck a bar of soap is safe enough. It kills germs duh, they're not going to be sat on it)
(Cloudane, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 18:46, closed)

Uuuuuuuhhhhhh
You put cat shit In. Your. Inside. Bin.
(mersault, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 21:42, closed)

Public toilets with doors that have the gap at the bottom...
...are the best because you can hook your foot under the door and swing it open that way, after opening the lock with a handful of paper. Even if the door goes to the floor, unocking it then giving it a gentle kick usually causes it to swing back. Aha door germs, foiled again!
(magentacock is spunking like it's nineteen ninety-nine..., Mon 5 Jul 2010, 23:10, closed)