"You're so effeminate, I bet you squat to piss"

Shouted by my best mate Steve to a bloke he didn't like.

No easy way back from that one.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:29, Reply)

I try not to swear too much when insulting people.
If they're stupid enough (and that's what the insult's normally about) then it means you might get away with calling them names to their face.

We used to have a young IT lad. Bless him, he had a nice personality, but not too quick on the uptake. Once when he did something particularly idiotic to the server, I used a classic Dilbert quote.

'Don't worry, you just have a genetic pre-disposition toward sub-optimal performance'

He unwittingly gave me the line from the next panel... 'What does that mean?'

I had to stuggle to keep a straight face.

'It means it's not your fault'


Straight name-calling tends towards the Shakespearian. 'Cretinous dotard' or 'Addlepated lackwit' are favourites. I've had one lined up for years, but never had the opportunity to use it. There will be secret internal cheering when I get to say 'Duplicitous child!' in a manner to rhyme with 'Scum!'

Is it odd that I think up insults ahead of time so I can pull them out when I need them?
( moogthedog, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:28, Reply)

To a 'not very attractive' person...

"You look like you fell off the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down...then went up again for another go...and then set your face on fire and beat it out with the ugly stick."

Subtle...but gets pleasing results
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:28, Reply)

I could have been your dad.....
... but the dog beat me up the stairs!
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:28, Reply)

Vroom Vroom
That girls so slutty she could suck start a motorbike!
( Slapnutz, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:27, Reply)

Very non-pc but funny
Not sure where I heard this but it was a retort from a bloke to an annoyingly gobby girl:

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to stick my cock in your mouth and fuck-start your brain!"

This is the kind of insult that stops conversations mid flow.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:27, Reply)

Friend's sister
A boy, on seeing my friend's sister sporting her new glasses: "I didn't know you had four eyes."

Friend's sister: "I didn't know you could count."
(Pachey, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:27, Reply)

angrymanxman
You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:27, Reply)

One for the ladies...
Guy: (to girl) I woke up with a hard on this morning and it had your name all over it.

Girl: That cant be true, my name has 4 letters in it, theres no way they'd all fit on your dick.
(Vic Flange, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:23, Reply)

Vipros
Why, I'll bet you could suck a golf ball through a hosepipe!


I like this QOTW.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:22, Reply)

I liked the one ...
...about Steers and Queers.
Pure comedic genius.
(Vic Flange, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:22, Reply)

pretty much
anything said by the drill sergeant in full metal jacket

"you're the kind of guy who'd fuck another guy in the ass and not even have the god damned common courtesy to give him a reach around!"

another diamond of his, if someone is annoying you, threaten that:
"I will gouge out your eyes and skull fuck you"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Lunar Jim's PE teacher
must have seen the same film. If you can get in touch with him to ask what it was called, I'd be grateful!
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Nothing makes me happier to be a Scot than calling someone a...
Jobby.
(cannonfodder fodder for cannons on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Extreme
Said to a schoolfriend once by a rather overzealously aggressive PE instructor.

"Potter-minor, for christs sake! The best bit of you was running down your mothers leg!!!"
(Vic Flange, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:20, Reply)

just a couple
For the ginger boss: Fanta Pants
and my personal fave: Fatknacker
(b3n, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:19, Reply)

In a film once....
...I'm hazy on the details but I remember someone saying something to a rather short lightly built chap about how it was clear from his stature that at the point of conception "most of it had rolled down your mothers leg." Not quite grounded in biological realities, but funny all the same.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:18, Reply)

Scope
We were banned from calling each other "spastic" in the playground so it simply evolved into something else. In this case, "Scope".

"You fuckin' scope" said with a fair degree of venom.

Ah happy days..
(Fluke feels bitter as well as thick, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:18, Reply)

Insulting those with glasses
I love this qotw, i've been pissing myself reading them all. A playground favourite which i recently gave a new lease of life, my be-spectacled house mate doing something to warrant an insult being hurled at him, he got the now new favourite........speccy-4-eyes!! Ha it still makes me snigger. Sorry, its shit.
Length? Not enough as im reliably informed!
(lankynyack, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:17, Reply)

Scottish
Two fine insults from a Glaswegian mate:

Bawbag
Bawjaws

And 2 fine insults for an ugly person:

She looked like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle

She looked like someone set her head on fire and put it out with a pitchfork
(ginger ninja, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:17, Reply)

angrymanxman
This is being passed around every academic and quasi-academic I know right now. If September's here, can marking season be far behind, you... you... Port Vale fan?!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:15, Reply)

Greencloud
Yeah....well.....your mum!!
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:15, Reply)

angrymanxman
Are you sure?
Are you positive?
What - HIV?!?!?!?!


UUUUrrrrrgghhhh!!!!!! ******'s got AAAAAIIIIIIDDSSS!!!!!!! *run away. (yup, the 80's were 'mint')
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:14, Reply)

Just a couple...
Two that spring to my mind are...

My mate, Grant, who proudly wears a t-shirt proclaiming "Your dad works for my dad, and you're going to work for me."

This always provides much entertainment as he winds up the poor white trash down in darkest cornwall.


The second is one of my own when, as a child of 4, I was being given a sound bollocking by my grandfather whereupon I turned to him him and told him to "fuck off, speccy four eyes".

Apparently his face was something to behold.
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:14, Reply)

Drunk on a Jersey Ferry
Many years back we were in the Scouts, we went to Jersey camping (we were 13).
On the ferry over we spent the evening chasing girl guides and being entertained by a pissed bloke.
At 3am he staggers over and shouting like a maniac explains "Your Scout Leader's Dick is like a Roll of Lino", followed with "Balls like a fuckin brillo pad"
He spent the rest of the crossing restrained and screaming obsceneties at everyone.

We still consider this man a god 17 years later)
And now AngryManxMan (who I assume to be a doctor) has diagnosed me with Bad Aids. Lucky Guess m8
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:11, Reply)

enough said
www.youfail.org


Everyone posting on this QOTW has AIDS.

The Bad AIDS at that.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:09, Reply)

Me and a colleague were carrying something heavy once...
...and I forget the details now but he did something that caused some mild peril.

I was going to call him a prick, then changed my mind to prat, then back to prick, and finally came out with

"You plap"

I thought I'd got away with it too, but about 5 minutes later when tempers had calmed he came over and enquired

"...plap?"
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:08, Reply)

Plumrose
As someone has already mentioned the Junior King of Putdowns here's my fave.

Stewie [to prostitute] - "Tell me is there any tread left on the tire or is it like throwing a hot dog down a hall way?"
( Slapnutz, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:08, Reply)

The great lost insult
We were 18 or so, on the verge of leaving school, and in a very grown-up kind of way decided to go out for a posh meal at a restaurant -- a dozen of us or so.

Some of us had girlfriends, who were also invited, including one lass that was a new addition that hadn't been introduced to 'the gang' before. She quickly showed herself to be a humourless, spoilt, spiteful, bitch and spent the evening mouthing off in a way that endeared her to no-one. Having been sat across the table from her, by the end of the evening I was well and truly sick of her but had kept my mouth shut out of respect for my friend who was going out with her.

As we were leaving I was chatting to another friend in the car park and she chipped in with one last snide remark. Fed up, I turned and said...

...something that, sadly, I can't remember. But it was the sort of insult that a) stopped her dead in her tracks, mouth open, finally lost for words and b) reduced the entire rest of the entourage to fits of uncontained hysteria (boyfriend included).

She and my friend broke up on the drive home.

The following day I was still being congratulated on the pithiness of my remark but oddly, not a single person could remember what it was that I'd actually said. I believe that God was using me as his mouthpiece on Earth to shut the stupid bint up once and for all, and the actual words were beyond the wit of man to truly comprehend.

Either that or I called her a hatchet-faced cum-gobbling crackwhore, and everybody was just too pissed to remember.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:07, Reply)