B3ta nativity play: Act 2

(Act 1 is here)

Scene: a classroom with a cleared space for a stage at the front. Rows of chairs sit facing this. On the chairs are seated parents who are whispering in anticipation at the nativity play to follow. Mr chthonic coughs and slience falls over the room. A few seconds later, CHCB is pushed forward and she stumbles reluctantly onto the stage.

CHCB: The story we are about to tell took place many hundreds of years ago, but it has been told and retold more than any other story in the world.

SpankyHanky: (whispering to Pooflake) Except for 'swipes story about the bedshitter

Mr chthonic: SsSShhhhh!

CHCB: It is the story of Mary (BGB bounces on to the stage, grinning and waving) who was betrothed to the carpenter Joseph (Pooflake shuffles on looking exhausted). God was pleased with her and sent an angel with good news.

PJM: Be not afraid!

BGB: I'm not. Er, I mean, who are you?

PJM: I am the Archangel Gabriel and I have come to tell you that you are with child.

BGB: That'd be a miracle. (Pooflake looks shifty.)

PJM: Yes. And you will call him Jesus.

BGB: Are you sure?

PJM: What? Yes. Definitely.

BGB: It's not the best name for a Yorkshire lad, is it?

PJM: (stares wildly at Mr chthonic who motions him to continue.) Now you must got to Bethlehem for the census, though quite frankly how the government aren't going to cock that up I don't know. (He exits the stage, one wing hanging off.)

CHCB: And so Mary and Joseph travelled by donkey to Bethlehem.

(The children all sing an interminably long and dreary version of Little Donkey as BGB and Pooflake wander round and round the stage before stopping at a crudely drawn inn door. They knock on the door. It is opened by SpankyHanky.)

SpankyHanky: (in the style of Al Pacino) Whaddya want?

Pooflake: My wife is pregnant and we need a place to stay for the night.

SpankyHanky: (leers at Mary and casts his eyes up and down her heavily cushion-pregnant body) Well, I might take her in the back. And the donkey too. It'll cost you though.

Pooflake: Please. We're desperate. Just let us in. The donkey can do tricks.

SpankyHanky (dubiously) Really?

Pooflake: Yeah, this unborn child taught him everything he knows. The donkey jumps when you yell at him. Have you never heard of "the Little Lord Jesus' ass leap on a 'hey'!"

SpankyHanky: Fuck off. You can have the stable round the back.

Mr chthonic: (Sinks head into hands and motions for a brief interval of weak orange squash served by Fredz with bourbon biscuit crumbs round his mouth.)

(Act 3 is here)

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:12, 33 replies)

Erm
Can I be in it please? :-(
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:13, closed)

casting took place in Act 1
You can be a sheep. We always need sheep.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:14, closed)

ok
Can I be a cheeky sheep? Or a nonce prawn?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:21, closed)

How about
the black sheep?
(We need one to fill our Widening Participation quota.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:29, closed)

Can I be Fritzl the black sheep?
I think that pederasts are under represented in society.

(Also I can bring my own blue binder)
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:34, closed)

blue binder
or paedo-file?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:41, closed)

Paedo-file...
or 'ring binder'?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:47, closed)

arf

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 12:33, closed)

I know I'm too late,
but I wanted to be the donkey so Mary could ride me all the way to Bethlehem. I woudl give her a great ride, lots of nice bounces in just the right places....

Damn, now I can't even be a sheep. (I could be a goat though, could I, please!? One with big horns?)
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 17:39, closed)

Always the sheep,
Never the shepherd.
( Cawl, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:19, closed)

There's a restraining order on you.
you stay at least 500 metres from those sheep or else.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:21, closed)

But...
Children dressed as sheep?
That ticks ALL the boxes.
( Cawl, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:26, closed)

I'm not in it
it's shit.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:42, closed)

fer fuck's sake
don't be so impatient. you're a Wise Man and they don't turn up until the next Act.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:47, closed)

Yeah Bert you fucking twat
we don't appear until the next act. You're such a thicko spakka.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 15:04, closed)

Yeah!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 30 Mar 2009, 19:51, closed)

At least you can speak.
All I can do is belm and masturbate furiously in the background.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 30 Mar 2009, 21:58, closed)

Ha!
Lovely! Love it! I should've been an actor, you know. All I'm lacking is good looks, talent, charisma, and contacts...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:52, closed)

I expect when it comes to the temptation part,
I am a shoe-in for the role???
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 12:08, closed)

I have you down as
"Roman wine merchant"
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 12:09, closed)

I didn't eat all the biscuits you know....
Some of them I just pulled in half, licked the chocolate filling out of and put back together :)
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 12:32, closed)

"licked the chocolate filling out"
Fnar Fnar, snigger etc.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 30 Mar 2009, 12:36, closed)

The irony is not lost on me.
A sex mad 43 year old childless women cast as Mary.
( girlinthehole, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 12:55, closed)

I'm not even going to comment
on my casting as an angel.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 14:14, closed)

Not to mention
my casting as a sheep.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 20:16, closed)

Or my casting as your shepherd
I'll have you sheared, docked and dipped by the end of the day.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 30 Mar 2009, 21:59, closed)

I should warn you
That white stuff is not wool.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 21:18, closed)

*applauds*

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 14:02, closed)

Awww, even threw in a shit pun for me...!

I was actually going to suggest a sub plot, about Mary painting my cock crimson and cutting it off, then the Narrator throwing it into the audience and it getting mislaid...


But that would be 'Virgin on the red-dick-you-lose'

\so ashamed
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 30 Mar 2009, 15:18, closed)

*applauds at wank speed X 4.2*
*Offends Pooflake's Mum with audible flatulence*

I'm not making too much noise here at the back with me popcorn, am I?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 18:53, closed)

Shh!
I'm trying to watch the play; would you please stop farting and crunching your popcorn, darling?

When are we getting Act III?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 30 Mar 2009, 19:52, closed)

Hey!
Can I be the slatternly innkeeper's wife who smokes and has her hair tied up in a do-rag and wears a white tracksuit?

Please?

Failing that, can I be a camel? I've got the toe for it.

TDub
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 2:22, closed)

Tee Hee!
Have you got the humps for it though?
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 11:35, closed)