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This is a question Near Death Experiences II

Freddie Woo says: I was once caught right in the middle of in an early morning high-speed 30-car pile-up on the M3, but emerged from the chaos in the only car not to have suffered a dent. My trousers told a different story, and learned that you *do* empty your bowels as Death's icy grip reaches out for you. Tell us about your audition for the Final Destination films.

Suggested by Just a Vagabond

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 12:55)
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hitching a lift with a perv who put his car into a scary spin. Oh and Jeebus. Lots of Jeebus.
I may have told this story before.

Back in my scary eyed evangelical days, I was hitching back from Nottinghamshire to Devon. A bloke stopped to pick me up, saying he could take me a little way down the motorway. He was decidedly odd, but as far as I was concerned Jesus had my back (eish!) so I'd be fine.

Then odd bloke kept putting his hand on my leg. I'd look down, firmly remove his hand and tell him nicely to stop it, then he'd do it again, only a bit further up. At this point we were on the motorway so I couldn't very easily get out.

Then he asked me what my God would do if he drove me to some remote place and raped and killed me. He really did. Why at this point I wasn't bricking it I don't know. I just replied that he'd really better not, because God was looking after me big time, and he'd protect me one way or other. Good job I believed it, because this guy was obviously a bit simple, and he started to believe it too.

But then he tried to touch me up again, at which point the bus in front braked suddenly. He wasn't concentrating on the road, but rather on my leg (honestly, I don't think my legs are _that_ special) and belatedly slammed his brakes on. This resulted in the car screeching round in a spin. It felt like it span round about three times, but it may have been just the once. We somehow ended up unharmed on the hard shoulder.

At this point I should have got out and run off, but instead I just looked at him and said "see - you'd better leave me alone!" with a smug expression on my face. I didn't even look or feel frightened (maybe partly because I couldn't drive, so didn't really know how scary that had been) while he was shaking and sweating like, well, a perv. But this time it was in terror.

Then he broke down, apologised repeatedly and said he'd never really intended to rape and kill me - he was married and just a bit messed up. I forgave him (as you do when you're a manic evangelical) and told him he needed Jesus to sort him out, and he was so sorry he drove me all the way to Exeter without trying to feel me up once, crying and repenting. As I got out of the car, I firmly told him he needed to get is life in order, and strolled off.

Thinking back, I realise how fucking stupid I was, getting in his car in the first place, and also not just breaking his fucking fingers when he was trying to fondle me, then getting out and reporting him to the police. I really hope that something in him did change (even if he did go to the Jeebus crowd) and that he didn't kill and rape some other hitcher who was less persuasive.

But at the time I had the arrogance to think that despite all the shite that goes on in the world, Gawd almighty was looking out especially for yours truly because I'd been praying and was doing his work. It took me an embarrasingly long time to figure out that it's all a pile o' shite, but I did in the end thank fuck!

And look - it wasn't all a build up to a daft pun or anything!
(, Sun 18 May 2014, 13:17, closed)
I only read the start ... did it end with fucking or not?

(, Sun 18 May 2014, 14:37, closed)
Reposts make baby Jesus cry.

(, Sun 18 May 2014, 16:05, closed)
fuck jesus

(, Sun 18 May 2014, 17:44, closed)
Good question.
Would the OP have fucked Jesus if it was him driving the car? I think so.
Tongued his Stigmata, the lot.
(, Sun 18 May 2014, 19:15, closed)
Any hole's a goal.

(, Sun 18 May 2014, 19:19, closed)
only man in history who can clap while wanking

(, Sun 18 May 2014, 19:32, closed)

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