Cringe-worthy erotica
I just thought I'd share with you my first attempt at writing erotica. I wrote this nearly 7 years ago. It's amusing, but as far as erotica goes, it makes me cringe when I read it.

I wrote this when I was corresponding with someone on an Internet Dating site. We were discussing wet legs and how we were to dry them. This caused me to get out my erotic pen and scribble down this story. When I sent it, I never got a reply back (which probably says something about the story you're about to read).

Enjoy (the story's in the first reply).
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 17:47, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

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You are lying on your back outside in the garden. Still feeling a bit hung-over from the night before, you are feeling tired. It is that time of the week where you undergo your weekly ritual of hanging your legs out to dry. Fortunately, this week, I am here to help you out. You feel thankful that you don't have to hang your legs out by yourself this time.

I am adjusting the washing line so that it is just at the same height above the ground as your legs. I lift up your legs one by one and attach them to the washing-up line. Usually, you just cling on to the washing-up line with your toes. If your legs are up for too long, your toes get tired of gripping and briefly let go leaving you to rely on your legs to keep themselves up - not how you would like to spend a Sunday morning.

Normal clothes-pegs are not meant to attach a leg by the toes, so out of my box of tricks, I take a set of clothes-pegs out that I've specially designed just for the purposes of keeping toes firmly gripped to a washing-line without putting too much pressure on the toes. I now re-adjust the washing line so that it's at just the right height so your legs stick up straight and slightly apart, but don't lift the rest of you up.

It is pleasantly fresh outside. The sky is almost clear and although just slightly cold, the sun is positioned in just the right part of the sky to warm you up like a silver blanket softly stroking you all over. You are wearing loose fitting underwear, and a loose t-shirt, leaving your wet legs exposed to the elements, but you can still feel the warmth of the sun all over. That combined with the softness of the grass under your back makes you feel relaxed.

I am now stood just behind your legs, wearing just shorts and a loose fitting colourful t-shirt. I kneel down so my head is just above your feet, and out comes the first breath. You feel it on the underside of your left foot, and you can sense that the breath had been dying to come out for a long time. The breath is long and covers all of the foot's sole. As I breathe in and move over to the next foot, you briefly think that the right foot must be jealous of the left-foot, for it had the luck of taking the first breath, but as soon as you feel it on your right-foot, you think "oh never mind", and just enjoy the tickling sensation of me blowing on your foot. I now find your toes and blow at them in such a way so that you feel the breath between your toes. I move over to the other side of the foot, and give it a blow-drying by tracing a line from your toes to the end of your leg, and moving the breath backwards and forwards on that line. Not wanting to ignore the other foot, I lightly tickle it's back with my fingers. You're feeling too tired to feel ticklish, but you enjoy my fingers dancing on your foot.

At this point, a passer-by walks past the fence. He waves to us. I just wave back, and he passes on his way just like a good passer-by would do. Fortunately, the fence is just high enough so that he sees only your feet. You don't notice him, as you are experiencing my breath and my hands caressing your feet.

I leave your feet and go on to your leg. Your feet now feel like they've lit up like light bulbs do when they're turned on. You briefly contemplate having your feet replaced by light bulbs. Still kneeling down I blow round your leg in a downwards spiral. Just before I get to the knees, I switch legs and do the same again on your other leg. You feel like someone has built a miniature helter-skelter on each leg, and my breath is like a little kid sliding down with great enthusiasm. I feel like that enthusiastic little kid as I'm blowing your legs, as I like it very much when you are enjoying me playing with your legs.

I am a born traveller, and now I am slowly travelling down your legs. I pass the knee and stop by for a bit a pit stop. Your knee is slightly bent, and I blow precisely on the back of your knee in such a way as the breath is cupped and it fills up where your leg is bending.

I briefly wonder if I should be playful and try applying a leg-lock that I learned. Fun and games were meant for the night before. The morning after is for recovery and relaxation. So I think better of it and instead, just decide to give your legs a hug. As I'm hugging, I press both legs into the front of my body. I enjoy the touch of your legs across me so much that I'm now radiating a warm glowing energy. You can feel this on the backs of your legs, and combined with the sun, which is warming the other sides of the legs up, you sink into a feeling of joy and niceness. You can feel yourself now beginning to radiate energy, and I can feel it all across my body. By now, you can no longer feel your hangover - you have become so aware to our glow that you just feel like the two of us are a single ball of white light. We both take the time to appreciate this moment before I move on.

It is time for the top part of your legs. I stand up to adjust your legs so that they're a bit further apart. My specially-designed clothes-pegs allow me to do that with great ease - so much ease in fact, that I briefly get carried away and keep opening and closing your legs like a scissors, until I decide on the best position on the washing-line for your feet. I now sit down so I can better position myself. I am blowing down the insides of each leg at a narrow angle. You can feel my breath taking it in turns to caress a long, but thin area of each leg. I am a head's length beyond your knee, and I am now rotating the direction of my blow so that it feels like you have a windscreen wiper of my breath wiping across your inner thighs. I then position myself on the ground just next to you and do the same on your outer-thighs, only this time I'm blowing upwards. While I'm blowing on the outsides, I stroke the insides, which I've just dried. My awareness is now concentrated in my hands, and my hands are very aware of your leg which has become very sensitive to my hands stroking your inner-thighs. I then move back up between your legs and start to blow round both of your legs in a figure of eight, pausing to re-position my head just when I get to the crossover point.

So far, I have enjoyed blowing and stroking your legs. I am thankful I've had the pleasure of playing with such a wonderful pair of legs. I am now about to reach the part that's so wonderful that it more than combines the loveliness of both of your legs - it is the bit where your legs meet each other. I am now really close to your 'forbidden temple'. For a moment, I think about how behind your knickers, there lies a whole world shrouded in taboo. This forbidden-ness adds to my anticipation, and I feel excited and in awe. You can sense the way I respect your part, not just down there, but everywhere. You look forward to it, but are now enjoying the feeling of your legs. You are now very aware that one of the naughtiest - yet loveliest parts - which in our culture is shrouded in mystery and is unmentionable - is actually part of your own body, and it makes you feel greatly in awe.

However, I do decide to say a quick hello, so I quickly and constantly blow from the ground just in front of you right past your legs, and straight on to your stomach. It's as if to say "see you later." Just when I'm below your belly button, I blast out all my remaining breath. It's as if I'm saying the full stop in "see you later."

I am blowing along your stomach using the same windscreen-wiper technique I did on your thighs. Your t-shirt ripples with the draught as I'm blowing. The effect this is having is that the air is flowing around all over the place, and it is as if my breath is alive. It is a bit like having several hamsters rolling around under your t-shirt. I change strategy slightly, and instead of using my mouth as the pivot of the windscreen wiper, I now use a fixed point along my breath. Now, I am blowing at your belly button whilst moving my head. You can feel a vortex beginning to develop in your belly button.

At this point, I decide that the t-shirt will no longer do. It just has to go! So I reach over to bring it up...


The End? ...


... or is it just The Beginning?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 17:48, Reply)

Blimey!
This is actually quite erotic because there's something very realistic about it (i.e. better than the masks and play-acting stuff cos if I had that IRL I'd get the giggles).
( thealternativefact, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 18:25, Reply)

It's always the quiet ones you have to watch.
I think we should keep a close eye on mistaspakkaman.
( girlinthehole, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 19:50, Reply)

Some parts were erotic, some were funny
I especially liked the bit about getting carried away moving her legs and playing with them like scissors.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 6 Jul 2008, 20:17, Reply)

Thanks for the feedback
I was worried that all the silly parts would distract from the erotic-ness and that the reader would spend more time giggling than being turned on.

I never did write the next part.

However, these magic clothespegs I mentioned sound like they're one of the b3taland inventions.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 21:12, Reply)

Awesome
Hamster reference :)
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 9:09, Reply)