A locally held Triathlon event was hosted recently....
....and there was a showdown of the highest quality. Me friend and local athlete Fred Cheese was pitted against a strong group of 7 others, 3 of which stood out;

Mr Anglo Ackee; a Caribbean moved locally a few years back renowned for his rhythm and skills on the track. Well known for spicing it with the ladies, Ackee was not to be underestimated.
Mr Hans Herring; a German butcher who was as vicious with his opposition as he was with his meat. Not to be trusted, he is known locally for his undercutting of bacon slices.
Mr Timmy Rice; a Chinese man who's Tai-Chi skills were legendary within the community, famous locally for calming the "Great Anger of Jeremy Irons", a disaster that almost cost the lives of 46 locals. Since then he was seen with a few local known druggy thugs and not looking happy about it. Dunno what's going on there myself.

The 1st event; 100 Metres. All competitors line up; Herring whispering something to a few neighbouring lanes and they look worried. Fred's sweating a bit, but that's to be expected with the level of competition here. The starter gun bangs and they are off. Ackee gets an early but a few of the spectators catch his eye and his showboating slows him down. Little Timmy Rice is as nippy as they come, and promptly burns it, only to be tripped up by the dodgy Herring. Fred somehow manages on the outside lane to avoid all this and scrape through a close victory.

The 2nd event; the High Jump. One at a time they leapt up high, poor Timmy not having a chance at this but Ackee eases past the limit set by Fred putting him at joint top with the Cheese. Hans looks suitably pissed after a poor attempt at invading the landing mat.

The 3rd event; the Hammer. Fred and Ackee struggle a bit at this, but the bulging axe-arms of the butcher come through and take it into a sudden death playoff.

Timmy Rice looked at this point utterly devastated; even more so by a bunch of people in suits who dragged him away into a van. That all seemed a bit odd at the time, and rightly so; he was found 2 weeks later in Dan-Yr-Ogof caves stuffed behind a stalagmite. Poor lad.

The event turns into "Sudden Death", and Fred Cheese, Anglo Ackee and Hans Herring are called to do a decider; the 400 metres. This was going to be a good test of endurance for them as they were all showing signs of tiredness at this point.
All line up, the start gun is fired and they're off! Ackee takes an early lead but is again put off by the local female teenage supporters; Hans and Fred keeping level until the last stretch. Fred manages to get a nose ahead but Hans tries tripping him up. Fred stumbles, but keeps his balance and digs deep to come back and win by a nat's cock on the finishing line.

On the podium everyone cheers for the big Cheese, and he wins his well-earned reward; a big lump of dough on his head and boiled on the stove for 30 minutes.

And that is simply the hardest I've seen anyone try to get dumpled.

I apologise for nothing....
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 8:14, 3 replies)

Well, If there's an award for longest crap joke ever
you just won it.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 9:07, closed)

@pobblepop
GERRINTHAAAARRRR!!!!!
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 9:08, closed)

you owe me two minutes of life back
In situations like this, next to "i like this" button, we need a special "that was shit" button.
(eightAce, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 9:13, closed)