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This is a question Shit Stories: Part Number Two

As a regular service to our readers, we've been re-opening old questions.

Once again, we want to hear your stories of shit, poo and number twos. Go on - be filthier than last time.

(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:57)
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Ocean spawning.
As a geezer, I’m never going to experience the joy of giving birth, but last Summer I had a pretty good taste of it.

September, a very quiet Greek beach, miles from anywhere, and the urge to purge is upon me. Now I had picked a spot to spend the day at the foot of some cliffs and there was no fucking way I was climbing back up, leaving my kit on the beach, picking my way through the minefield of gorse bushes to find a clear spot to lay the cable. No, sod that.
Similarly, there was no way I could unleash it on the beach itself, there were about a dozen people dotted about, so I’d have to search for a suitable place, but I didn’t particularly want to pollute that fantastic sandy area..

So what to do?

Weeeeell, I decided to go for a swim and think about it, which was where I had the fantastic idea of “tagging a Loggerhead”. I swam up and down for a bit, in front of my bit of beach, checking out how far away the neighbours were, how much attention they were paying etc, before rolling on to my back and doing the deed (thankfully I was doing the nudist thing, so had no trunks to wrestle with).

They say that dolphins and humans may have evolved from a common ancestor, a theory to which I now subscribe following the way I gracefully expelled the stool whilst in the water, truly magical, just like the timeless miracle of birth. I could imagine David Attenborough, whispering in awe at the spectacle he would have witnessed, had his camera crew been in attendance.

Which is why I started laughing.

Now, together, laughing and swimming in the sea are not to be recommended, it kind of interferes with your breathing. Which makes you choke, which makes you splash about a bit…….which makes the whole fucking beach look up from their paperback to see exactly WTF is going on.

Couple this with the fact that my new-born was reluctant to leave and find its own way in life,it must have looked like I was being attacked by a sea-lion. Well, it felt like that, anyhow, as I shooed it away, flailing at it with my feet and trying to swim casually back into the shallows.
Reaching safety, I triumphantly turned to sit on a rock….only to find the bastard had followed me.

Not wishing this Exxon Valdez of a steamer to wash up on the shore, I had to swim back out, sloshing water to push it ahead because I didn’t want to handle it. (Just like a young bird, fallen from the nest, touch it and you can’t return it to the wild, it will be rejected)

Some way out I managed to give it the slip whilst it was distracted and headed back inshore.
I sat in the shallows in a patch of seaweed, slyly wiping up with this handy natural alternative to Andrex, giggling to myself again, before heroically striding up the beach, knackers a-swinging. I really thought those German chicks were impressed with my tackle, they were agog, I’d dry off and make my move.

Which is when I discovered I had a long Godzilla tail of kelp dangling from my arse.
(, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 15:35, closed)
Oh God
I'm trying desperately not to shit myself laughing at work, and failing miserably...

(, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:30, closed)
Agh ^-^
First one today that has had me actually laugh and not just in my head
(, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 17:46, closed)
I think i just
followed through laughing at that one!
(, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 22:09, closed)

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