Alice.
Sorry, not a rendition of the Tom Waits classic, but rather The Self-Serving Thatcherite Whore who I stopped speaking to quite a while ago.

I don't feel ashamed of using her name because (a) she'll never read this, (b) it's not her real name, as she was Chinese and this was just her English alias. (Actually she was Taiwanese, but since she was such a snob and detested being called 'Chinese,' I shall continue to refer to her as 'Chinese' out of
spite.)

I apologise to any friends and loved ones who have had to hear this story umpteen times before.

At the end of my first year at uni, I was worn out following exams and still just as socially inept as I had been when I arrived. So everyone was very surprised when The Hottest Girl in My Hall of Residence took a shine to me...yes, me, the weird one who drank far too much real ale and thought crows were really funny.

Perhaps I should have been a little suspicious that Alice forced herself upon me with so little subtlety. I should have been wary because we were all well aware how bitchy she had been about the previous boyfriend (who had been dumped the week before). But this was my first experience of a serious relationship - how was I to know any better?

And things started out promisingly. For the first 6 months, all seemed great. Then she started to fall out with her flatmate.

Said flatmate, C, had been a good friend of mine in halls, and she had a sort of on-off relationship with D, with whom I became very close during that first year. I don't know how it started, but Alice gradually became convinced that C was flirting with me.

Admittedly, I'd initially had a crush on C, but that had been a long time ago, and I'd been over it since I realised she fancied D. Besides, now that I was otherwise distracted with a supply of Chinese nookie, why should the stupid cow have felt threatened? I certainly never noticed C "flirting" with me - this was conversation between two friends, it was certainly nothing sinister.

Somehow, partly because I had no spine at the time, Alice managed to convince me that C was trying to drive us apart, and if she denies it, "she's just manipulating you."

Well, can I still talk to D? He is a good friend?...No, apparently not, because he's involved with C, and they've been known to smoke weed together - heaven forfend - so they can't be trusted.

And so I was forced to give up two really good friends following a hissy fit of Paris Hilton proportions.

I should have walked out right in the middle of said hissy fit. Because it soon came full circle. One of Alice's friends - some posh ponce - claimed that he'd "fallen in love with her." And, I'm told, openly asked "won't you leave Crow and get together with me?"

Not subtle, I'm sure you'll agree. And yet, for some reason, it is decided that Alice will still be allowed to talk to this ponce, who is openly trying to steal her away from me, whilst I must sever all connection with two of my friends because she (and she alone) thinks one of them is flirting with me.

I wouldn't be surprised if she was letting the ponce fuck her up the arse on the nights I wasn't around.

I should point out that Alice came from a very well-to-do family. She'd been packed off to and English boarding school at an early age to swan around with other smug, overly wealthy bitches and hence had no idea what it was like to be a normal undergraduate - her ex had worked for some consultancy company, so he wasn't strapped for cash. _{I actually met him once - he was a really nice bloke (and apparently knew the Ginger Fuhrer). I could never understand why she was so horrible to him until she did the same to me...}

So, I am her first "impoverished" boyfriend. Obviously, she's used to the good life, but I can't afford to pay for all these things. She therefore pays for a lot of it herself and then berates me for never paying for anything.
"I can't afford to. Can we split the bill?" I plea.
"No, 'cause you've no money and then I'll feel bad." She replies.
Make your fucking mind up. Either split the bill or pay for it yourself, but don't say I didn't fucking offer.

She just had no idea - I remember earning something like £20 for a gig with my jazz band. Before I can even start thinking about what to do with it, I'm suddenly whisked off to use it all to buy her dinner and some drinks in the pub down the road.

I took jobs in pubs. I dipped into savings. I tried fucking hard so that I could take her out, treat her occasionally and even go on holiday. Anything to stop the stupid bitch telling me what a crap boyfriend I was.

And then began the mind control. Ever been told what to think? It's annoying, isn't it? Ever been told what to feel?
"If you really loved me, you should never be embarrassed by me."
What? How exactly does that work? Come on, my parents and sister have made me feel self-conscious or embarrassed in the past, and I love them unconditionally. And hey - here's a radical idea: maybe if you stop causing such a fucking scene, I won't feel embarrassed by the scores of people walking past trying not to look at you in the middle of another fucking strop.

And this went on - times when she'd upset me and then say "Oh, but surely you should be happy about it, because... [insert crap, irrational reason]"
Well, quite clearly I'm not happy about it, am I, you stupid cow? Perhaps I'd be happy about it if I was you. But I'm not. And I'm fucking glad about that.

For example, about the time she finally chose to tell me about her former tendency to bring strangers back from nightclubs.
"We've been going out for about 12 months and you never thought to tell me this before?"
"I did tell you before."
"No you didn't. You said you'd had 3 boyfriends previously." (So you, in fact, lied to me.)
"No, I said I'd had 3 boyfriends and done some things I regretted."
Oh, so I'm somehow supposed to magically guess from that, am I? Fucking hell, I've done "things I regret," but these amount to maybe drinking too much, cutting my leg on that fence, having not been more sociable at school. I'm sorry, but "things I regret" does not necessarily translate to "I used to be a promiscuous little slapper."
"Oh, you should be happy that I don't do it anymore..."
"You should have told me this 12 months ago." (At the very least, it would have been nice to know before I agreed to have unprotected sex with you. But of course saying that would have prompted another bloody tantrum...)

And so it went on - soon I was no longer allowed to talk politics, because she was an economics student who thought Margaret Fucking Thatcher was a demi-god, whilst I was just a physics student who dared to have mildly left-wing views, so obviously I couldn't possibly know anything.

Then my band practices were taking up "too much of my time." Admittedly, playing in two bands does necessitate two practices a week (no shit, Sherlock?) but I happen to want to keep both bands up. Is it really the end of the world if there are four hours of my free time that I don't spend with you?

This may seem fairly trivial, but when combined with the constant swipes at whatever I did or said, punctuated with the random hissy fits, it quickly wore me down to the point of having no self-esteem.

Then her student visa was going to run out. And of course, she couldn't possibly be expected to look for a job that would offer her a work visa, so I almost got bullied into an engagement. When my parents helped to me to think clearly and remind me that I was barely 20, still an undergraduate and various other things short of actually telling me "she's a mentalist bitch," she started to talking about getting married in secret. I don't know why the fuck I didn't run even then. It's not as if I was enjoying the "relationship." I just kept sidestepping the issue, or finding diplomatic ways to say "no," and every time I did, the tantrums got worse and worse.

And then one morning I woke up and just couldn't move. She was up and alert as usual and kept prodding me to get out of bed. And I curled up in a little ball and did nothing.

I didn't even cry. She'd made me cry before, but this morning I just felt too pathetic even to shift myself out of this weary foetal position. I must have lay there for a good ten or fifteen minutes before she realised I hadn't followed her into the kitchen.

Finally she came back and positively shepherded me into the kitchen. It took all the strength I could summon to tell her that she was a bully and was just making me miserable.
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
...
Because you'd have a fit? Because you'd tell me I shouldn't feel like that? For fuck's sake woman, is that all the sympathy I get?

We spent that day wandering round some festival or other in Trafalgar Square. I don't actually remember what went on, I just followed her around like a zombie, feeling increasingly pathetic.

That evening, I went back to my own flat. I even took a detour, just to prolong the walk. I love my flatmates, but I just knew if I went straight in, I'd have to talk to them, and I couldn't face talking to anybody.

But eventually it got cold, and I ran out of side streets to wander around forlornly. So I went back to my front door...

Right into the middle of a party. It was a friend's birthday, and a bunch of them had come round to ours. I don't think I've ever tried so hard to put a brave face on things and be sociable. It obviously didn't work, because I grabbed my vodka out of the freezer and started swigging from that. (People have since commented - "yeah, you weren't happy that night, were you?")

The following day, Alice dumped me over the phone. I felt like crap, but at least I didn't feel any more crap than I had for the previous few months.

Christ, this one goes on forever, doesn't it?

EDIT: I have posted The Epilogue -
www.b3ta.com/questions/spoiltbrats/post270902 - if you've got another hour to kill, of course...

I feel I should thank my friends (particularly Nettlesteed*) and family for putting up with me for the duration of this ordeal, for Ms Crow for being wonderful and demonstrating that women are not, in fact, innately evil, and any b3tans who have been patient enough to read this far. And finally Kaol, for encouraging me to post this one.

Apologies for length. I'm sure it's become longer since I learned to stand up for myself.

*_{Not a b3tan, not really much of an interweb type, but he'll know who he is if he ever stumbles across this}
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 13:38, 18 replies)

Ms Crow and Kaol sound great.
Have a click, and give those nice people extra hugs.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 14:03, closed)

Ms Crow is indeed great.
Despite her protestations to the contrary; she's far too modest.

Kaol I've never actually met in person - we just had a sort of "I'll post mine if you post yours" thread earlier this morning. But I'll give him extra hugs if I ever do meet him.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 14:08, closed)

Kaol is great
Or so I've heard.
( Cawl, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 14:24, closed)

Nicely done
It was long, but wasn't hard to read, so good work on writing it well.
It's rubbish when people manage to wear down your self esteem, but you did the right thing in getting out of there.

You seem like a solidly awesome guy now, so while these things are shite to go through, and you'll never be able to just forget about them, at least it's a situation you're unlikely to fall into again, which is a big plus.

Good work on not getting married too, that would've been terrible.
( Cawl, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 14:23, closed)

Thank you most kindly
You're right, of course - if nothing else, it was a learning curve. (Though, in terms of teaching me what danger signs to look out for, it was probably more of a baptism of fire) It does just grate slightly to have to admit that she might have done me some good in the long term, but I'm sure that wasn't her intention, so perhaps I get the last laugh...or possibly not. Oh well, musn't grumble.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 14:55, closed)

TLDR
TLDR
( PointlessCamel Last one on drugs is a queer., Mon 13 Oct 2008, 14:38, closed)

Does that even mean anything?
Or are you repeating random letters in place of literacy skills?
( Cawl, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 14:45, closed)

I think it stands for "Too long; didn't read"
Which makes the effort of replying seem kind of self-contradictory.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 14:47, closed)

Good One Crow
It may have been long but it was worth reading.

Clicks
(mon bison powered by magnets, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 15:05, closed)

Can
We have an epilogue?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 15:32, closed)

Ooh, go on then.
I'll probably stick it up as a new post, but I'll link to it here when I actually get round to writing it.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 17:12, closed)

Ta
muchly!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 11:30, closed)

You're better off without her,
and you knew that already ;) Have a click from me. I need to give you a good ring at some point, it's been too long. I even have a proposition for you! (Marriage? But I've only known Gibbon for 21years!)
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 15:50, closed)

It has been too long
Not since the Earl's Court Beer Festival in fact.

I await for your propositioning me with your good ring.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 17:11, closed)

Damn dude...
That sucks, i've been really lucky in life when it comes to women.

But. you did get some Chinese love... *jealous*
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:20, closed)

Thanks for posting this!
Have a Click, and heartfelt thanks, a message of hope for anyone that feels that they're stuck and can't change things

xxS
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 21:09, closed)

Hey
You musn't feel bad about the length of time it took you to get your self esteem back. She sounds like a right piece of work.

And yay for Ms Crow.
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Mon 13 Oct 2008, 22:49, closed)

You have my sympathy
And my empathy. Well done for extricating yourself, life will only get better now :)

And what you said up there ^ about it being a learning experience and now knowing the danger signs, I absolutely agree. My bullshit radar is on hair trigger now, and at the first sign of anyone trying to manipulate me I get the fuck out!
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 14:05, closed)