Bringing home the bacon
I'm one of those passive-agressive souls who loves nothing more than fighting the establishment (those bastards) in disputes from deposits to item returns, and after a briefly-lived career as my office's go-to guy for those looking to get their bank charges overturned, I cant say I feel anything more than humbled to finally be portrayed as 'the man' in this following tale...

I'll introduce firstly our protaganist, Ryan. Ryan is the brother of my former housemate, 17 with 2 kids and no qualifications after spending most of his childhood in a young offenders' institute, and in that gaping void of education Ryan would pop over our place most days of the week to freeload us of our internet bandwidth and read up on conspiracy theories. Lots of conspiracy theories.

There was the pretty bog standard stuff to begin with; 9/11 organised by George Bush Jr, dollar bills predicting the destruction of the Pentagon, Freemasons and Jews controlling society; the general crock of shit that gets 3,000,000 views on Youtube.

After a while, Ryan began spouting utter tripe about secretive cults stealing original holy scriptures and keeping them locked up in Alaska, his abduction by aliens, and, most interestingly, how meat products are injected with the eggs of maggots who burrow into your brain and control your thoughts. Apparently after smoking himself onto a stupor on our sofa while watching something about food hygiene on the Discovery Channel, 'the truth' came to him, and we'd all get it in the ear daily if he so much as saw a meat product in our possession.

Obviously, the Freemasons had planned that one, and that's why Ryan was a vegetarian alongside his refusal to own a bank account (the Jews monitor how much money you have and automatically steal it when you have enough) and also wear condoms (they make your sperm gay; like I said, he's 17 with 2 kids).

These suspicions naturally made Ryan a 12ft by 12ft glowing neon target for my boisterous activities, and I would take any chance to rip into the little guy, from putting up captioned pictures of aliens about the house ('Come back to us Ryan; we miss your anus'), to cutting out and sticking together words from magazines to fashion crude ransom notes from the Jews ('gIVE uS yOUR MONEY rYAN, BUT reMEMBER WE'RE not oPEN on SATURDAYS'). I was generally a horrible fucker to the guy, but I enjoyed myself nethertheless.

Would you believe it, one day he got me back. After returning from a particularly heavy night out - without Ryan, as like I said, he's only 17 - I get a thump on the door as I'm busy trying to straighten out the room from its needless spinning. Ryan's been in most of the evening looking after the cat and (most likely) downloading as much porn as our ISP could provide in our absence, and is off to the 24 hour shop to stock up on snacks and wondering if I needed anything.

'Grblowf' I said, as I violently snuggled into my pillow, blanking out for a few minutes before I get awoken by a bang.

Then some rustling.

Then the sound of the fridge closing.

Then giggling.

When I scarper out of bed the following morning, Ryan's already awake with the biggest shit-eating grin exhibited since those Hobbits got back from their 9 hour walk only to proceed to frolick over each others' bodies gleefully. I disregard it and head to open the fridge.

It's full of bacon.

Full.

To the brim.

I turn to Ryan. He stares at me, points and yells "I got you Foxy, enjoy your brain maggots!", before running with great speed out of the house. Somewhere in his mind, the perfect revenge for months of torture was to give me no choice but to give me the very brain maggots he'd warned me so vividly against.

Defeated, I got out the frying pan, buttered the some bread, and pondered whether my children would ever be that stupid.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Fri 18 Jun 2010, 11:02, 8 replies)

Best. Revenge. Ever.
Why can't I have enemies who think the best form of attack is slabs of delicious bacon?
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 11:12, closed)

Both of you deserve a click!
For making me laugh. Bacon- weapon of choice.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 11:18, closed)

Hahahaha, fucking hell!

( Bob Todd whee, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 12:03, closed)

I live in Alaska
and I personally have a section of Proverbs in my basement.
(WillF http://www.flickr.com/photos/silverfischdotnet/, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 17:53, closed)

I, too, live in Alaska
And have a Bible signed by Jesus. Along with the Protocols of the Elders of the Alaskan Independence Party.
(FleetlordVT, Sat 19 Jun 2010, 12:37, closed)

Nah - you just picked up
An old Gideon's bible which has been signed by a B3tan...
( snee held his breath since, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 12:22, closed)

I laughed so hard that the cat was startled.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 20:28, closed)

Excellent.
Revenge is best served hot and crispy.
( superstoater is so mauve, you don't know what he's planning, Sun 20 Jun 2010, 13:49, closed)