I successfully deployed the sick cracker jokes withBackstory:
You may remember I got the crackers all primed and ready to offend yesterday: www.b3ta.com/talk/2288047
For those of you who haven't heard about the bonus sick jokes: www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/03/christmas-crackers/
My flatmates and I had our Christmas dinner today, as this is our last Sunday together (we break up on Wednesday, though I intend to stay here and get some lab work done, being the dutiful geek I am).
"Shall we pull crackers?" asked one of my flatmates excitedly once we were all sat down and dishing out potatoes and shit.
"Oo yes, let's," said I, hoping I hadn't sounded too enthusiastic.
I pulled a cracker with above flattie, who unrolled her joke and read out:
You ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
Neither has he!
I tried not to corpse. "That is really bad," was the consensus from everyone else.
Then! Horrified gasps from the end of the table.
"Oh! This one's really rude!" said one girl shockedly, before being goaded into reading it out by multiple 'what is it? what is it?'s:
What's the best thing about having sex with children?
Their tiny hands make your cock look big!
"Oh my god! That's awful! We should write to Asda and complain!" said everyone but I, who roared with laughter. Surely I'd blown my cover? Surely they'd guess now that I'd engineered this? No! The others reprimanded me for finding it funny, and continued to pull crackers, while expressing their disbelief that Asda would print such things.
Then came
What sits at the end of the bed and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine!
and
What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
Turn the grill down!
These were really bad jokes, everyone agreed. I was all but sobbing with mirth.
How do you get a granny to shout 'cunt'?
Read out someone else.
"Oh my god? Are you serious?" was the outcry upon hearing the dreaded c-word.
Get another to shout 'bingo'!
"Oh my! That's really awful!" and more berating of Asda came forth. But they kept going, out of sheer disbelief:
What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS!
Horror at Asda spewed forth. Everyone was getting almost angry saying that they were going to write in and complain. I could hold it in no longer, and laughed like a beast from the Brian Blessed dimension.
"Me!" I shrieked in triumph, "It was me! I sabotaged the craffrkk-" (the last bit was me saying 'crackers' but collapsing with laughter.) As I laughed myself silly, everyone just looked at me.
"That's really bad," and "That's not funny," said the humourless cunts. I continued to cackle like an hyena getting serviced by John Holmes. No-one wanted to pull my cracker, so I ripped it open and read out with glee:
How do you make a hormone?
Stick a rusty fucking chainsaw up her cunt!
(In a way, I suppose, it was appropriate to have the best one last, but I'd been really hoping someone else would read that one out, preferably right at the start.)
Everyone else awkwardly resumed their conversations. After my torrents of breathless hysteria subsided into a quiet undercurrent of grunting, someone asked when I'd done it. I told them the night before last at around 2, when they were all in bed. They all called me Grinch, which I suppose is better than my current nickname (Spaz).
I hooted with laughter all the way through the washing up (when we have a communal meal the rule is whoever didn't help with the cooking has to help with the washing up - I decided to take on all the washing because I'd done fuck-all cooking, and because I reckon if b3ta had an etiquette manual it would tell you to do the washing up after pulling a stunt like that).
Then we sang happy birthday to one of us (who's 20 sometime this week or last week) and I basked in the joy of a dinner well fucked.
As I started to sit down again, however, one of the flatties said, "Anna, you're a moron. Really, you are. I'm sorry, but you're not funny, and my mum's got cervical cancer. It's really not funny. Actually, I'm not sorry at all." At first I thought she was winding me up. But then I saw she looked as though she was going to cry.
SHIT! How the Jesus fuck was I supposed to know that? (Plus, check the link to the jokes - read the second one down, on the right. Shiiiiiiiiittt!)
I do have some tact, so I wordlessly left (missing out on birthday jelly, but it had animals in it anyway).
Still, I think this counts as a: RESUUUUUUULT!
Christmas? Hah, bumbag!
I'm still wearing the hat I got out of my cracker. It's orange. It's better than everyone else's.
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Bob Todd whee, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:02,
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Oh come onDo you think anyone is gonna read that?
Edit: Ok, so I read it, it was funny.
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Hankster, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:03,
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^^Very much thisThough I imagine that having been there at the time would have helped.
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Lord Gnome, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:07,
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You are awesome!_+88_______________________________
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(, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:05, archived)
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrteh words, teh words
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Duke Otterby you pre-verts, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:06,
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crikeythat's a bit weird- you shouldn't have pulled that stunt on people that don't get that sense of humour
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SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:06,
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people are shit(
SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:08,
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Fuck 'emThe essence of all comedy is the shocking reapprisal of the mundane.
And kittens with huge cocks, of course.
F_T
(, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 22:11, archived)
words words words words wordswords words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words
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crazyjude is very happy with happytoast and his skill, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:07,
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B3tard posts words in /talk postSHOCKER
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TIAL Four capital letters, written in gold., Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:14,
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It's strange to find out you're a girl after all this time.(
Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:11,
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It's not difficult to find out -I have photos in my profile.
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Bob Todd whee, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:14,
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i don't usually look.i'd just thought "todd is a boys' name" and left it at that.
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Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:15,
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I put sick jokes in xmas crackersthere you go, I condensed it down to 6 words
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Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:08,
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My friend in Bradford (at the time)Used to work in a factory making Christmas crackers- and he used to put condoms in them.
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Lord Gnome, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:14,
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ButThat's nowhere NEAR as funny OR engaging.
Great read. Cheers.
(, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 22:47, archived)
Wheredoes cervical cancer come into any of that?
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sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:18,
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Read the link to the sick jokes themselves.One of them is 'what's black and eats cunt? Cervical cancer'.
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Bob Todd whee, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 19:20,
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Hahahaha!Brilliant.
*Runs and hides from scary /talk board*
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The Glum Reaper cannot solve your problem because he has no jam, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 18:53,
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