Hi folks. The East Hendred beer festival is on for the third year this month. Christ knows how, as I know nothing about event management. Obviously FSM loves ale.

It's not one of your massive blowout industrial-grade boozeathons like that nonsense at Earls Court but there will be a dozen ales, a handful of ciders, a selection of "fine" wine and a full bar. There's a rather pleasant beer garden and plenty of room in the hall if (ha!) the weather turns on us.

What's that? The other half thinks you should stay home with the kids for once, you dead-beat? No problem! Bring them along. We will ply them with barbecue food, a bouncy castle, ice creams in a little mini fridge and family-friendly bonhomie.

Local band will be in evidence from about 8pm, almost certainly playing Dire Straits at some point. Free entry, glasses cost a refundable £3, relaxed Oxfordshire thatched-cottage village vibe guaranteed. Plus, every penny of profit goes to the hall, a registered charity which hosts many local nonprofit organisations for free through the year thanks to events like this one. Pat yourself on the back on the way home you social hero you.

B3tans are invited to camp in my folks' garden for free; message me if you're keen, or email my username at gmail.

pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i

Massively excited about this.
I'm not going to tell you what I look like. You'll have to guess who I am.
I'll be wearing a t-shirt with a slogan that should give it away!

baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge