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This Week:
* NINJAS - Flip out with Joel
* PUB - Drink with bloke who survived tube bomb
* PROJECT - DIY office bow & arrow

 ________ ____ __ ___
 ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
 ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"

B3ta email 190 - 22 July 2005

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  >> Table-top cricket <<
  If you've always wanted to play Tabletop Cricket
  but simply couldn't be arsed to track it down
  on eBay, spend days setting it up and then try
  to coerce someone into playing it with you -
  the solution is here, in the form of a Flash
  game made by Kerb.

  >> The IT Files - Episode 3 <<
  "The boss's dinner party" - If at first you
  don't succeed, blind 'em with science. At last,
  Mike is starting to get somewhere in his quest
  for an upgrade. View the video at:

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Ninjas, Weebl, Dogs and Surviving Terrorism

  >> Flip out like a ninja <<
  We went and saw Joel's band, 7 Seconds Of Love,
  play a gig the other day, and after the show
  harangued him, "That ninja song is catchy,
  you've GOT to put that out on the interwebs."
  Joel, of course, has done us proud. He also
  asks us to say, "Dudes, we're doing a
  charity night at Islington Academy on Thursday
  28th (next week). It would be great if you
  could make it down." Full details, and a new
  flash vid on the site:

  >> Weebl: New cartoon strip <<
  Jonti is probably best-known now for his
  animated songs, like Badgers and Kenya, but
  his web bread and butter is episode after
  episode of Weebl & Bob. Returning to the
  episodic format is his new cartoon, "On
  The Moon" detailing the life of his little
  friends on er... the moon. Whimsical, demented
  and pleasingly neo-nazi. Go Jonti.

  >> Have a pint with a terrorism survivor <<
  David Taurus has got in touch mentioning
  that he was on the very tube-train that
  was blown up by Yorkshire terrorists a
  couple of weeks-ago. His anti-hysteric
  write-up is worth a read:

  He also wants you to come to the pub to
  meet him because, "If you stay sober, the
  terrorists win."

  >> Dogs in Togs <<
  "Dressing up animals is cliché in B3taland,"
  spiels your Ginger Furher, "So I was rather
  amused when my girlfriend pointed out that
  a canine fancy dress competition was taking
  place but three miles from our sofa. We nipped
  down and took a camera."



  Ah, when the designers get a little too creative.
  "At Kluthe, everything revolves around you," is
  the claim. But instead, a huge, frightening
  logo hovers in the middle of your screen, like
  a lidless eye of evil. Don't mouse over the
  nonsense words round the edges lest they slowly
  loom towards you, swelling to immense and
  pant-filling size. Oh sweet Jesus here they come
  - trying to sell us paint-thinners!


  Coke-can tux man

  Gondaba attended his prom in a smart suit made
  from discarded cola cans. But that's not why we
  love him. For that, just look at his face, his
  huge, unwieldy hair and his Gothic date. Do you
  think he got picked on in high school? A little?


  GPS Tron

  GPS is some kind of funky future-style technology
  that uses satellite tracking to locate nerds with
  pinpoint accuracy - from space. Normally used by
  ramblers to map out brisk country walks, it's
  been now adopted by ugly men with Linux-beards
  in a tribute to the light-cycle scene in 80s
  Disney crapathon, Tron. We're sure they think
  they're having fun, but why don't they use the
  tech to draw gigantic cocks on London? The space
  alien overlords would love that!


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Best porn movie title ever? <<
  "1,001 Ways to Eat My Jizz, Part 3: Biscuits
  and Gravy Edition" There's genius in this
  title we tell you, genius. Don't actually
  want to see the film though.

  >> Goatse of the week <<
  When it comes to write the history of the
  web, do you really think anyone will list
  Boo.com? Ask Jeeves? MSN? Nope, but they will
  still remember goatse. We enjoyed this photo
  of an Asterix/Obelix ride that looks oh so

  >> Office bow & arrow <<
  Ever thought about sellotaping a couple of rulers
  together, mucking about with some biros and
  and making your own lethal medieval machinery of
  destruction? Here's how. Inspired stuff, hopefully
  our readers will be happily maiming each other
  silly over the coming weeks.

  >> Dunno what the fuck this is - but it's great <<
  It's got these jelly beans and they go through
  pipes, making music. And you control the pipes.
  Weird, foreign webtoy thing. Looks lovely,
  fun to play with. Mellow.

  >> I am fucking terrified <<
  We couldn't move the other week for seeing
  mentions of the banally patriotic
  werenotafraid.com. Utterly loathsome stuff. We
  were more amused by this response site, also
  an email we received from b3ta regular CCC that
  mentioned, "I'm thinking about doing a 'we're not
  afraid so we wank over pictures of Arabs" site -
  but I can't seem to find the right yoghurt. Plus I
  don't want to die."

  >> Hiccup videos <<
  Web perversions: If you can think of it, you
  can find a website of enthusiasts wanking over
  it. But hiccups? Actually we quite enjoyed
  watching this collection of vids, but it
  didn't give us the horn.

  >> Jowlers <<
  What is a jowler? Ah, glad you asked, gentle
  reader. A jowler is when you shake your face
  from side-to-side and take a short exposure
  photograph. The effect's a bit like watching
  someone under extreme G-force. Very pleasing,
  and something to try at home this weekend.

  >> R Kelly <<
  Who would have thought the day would come when
  we'd be bigging up R Kelly? But you have to watch
  his five-part operapa, quite possibly the greatest
  thing we've ever, ever seen. It tells the story of
  Kelly getting caught in a closet by the husband of
  his latest lady and the real-time delivery is what
  brings the laughs, "I've got cramp!" being a
  choice moment. (Click the video section.)


  Baby pandas

  We can see why the Chinese systematically
  exterminated the panda to extract the secret
  ingredient in wonton soup. The baby panda is
  an eyeless, ugly critter and our booty feet
  want to kick its tiny face off.


  Double, bumper, fun-sized issue

  >> Results from the Grown-ups' Lies Challenge <<

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads. 

  Two weeks ago we wanted you to show us a world
  where the lies grown-ups tell children are true.

  We asked b3ta boarder Bodders to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Bodders writes -

  #1 "Bird buggery - Well, what can I say? It's a
  stork shagging your mum! Amazing what they
  can do these days. (Zak McFlimby)

  #2 "Bedfordshire - Loving those good ol' wooden
  hills! And a fine bit of simple shopping too.

  #3 "Daddy sure isn't in heaven - Broken homes
  and shattered dreams imagine what this poor
  child is going to go through when he finds
  out about daddy. You gotta love it."

  >> Results from the David Hasselhoff Challenge <<

  Last week ago we wanted to see a day in the life
  of David Hasselhoff.

  We asked b3ta boarder The Pink Dot to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  The Pink Dot writes -

  #1 "Salesman of the Month - This one seemed to
  address very well the implication that David
  may well now have to find other, less
  glamorous means to supplement his income.

  #2 "Kitten Stretching - Obviously I can't condone
  this anti-fluff stance, particularly in light
  of those new RSPCA statistics about animal
  cruelty, but it all just seems too feasible
  to ignore. (Darryn.R)

  #3 "Mirror Gazing - If anyone was going to turn
  narcissism into a full time activity it was
  going to be Hasselhoff. Simple and clever,
  and probably true." (Leningrad)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, The Challenge Dictator wants us to
  ease off the Photoshopping and make real-life
  corporate logos:


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SAUSAGE WIRING - rdcrouse writes "When I was
  a youngster we had one of these contraptions
  which did exactly what your forked-up version
  did - just better. Note the snazzy "seals in
  the flavour" plastic cover. We used it a few times
  and then reverted to the dogs-in-boiling-water
  default method."

  * POACHED EGG - possibly one of the most
  controversial items we've run on b3ta - eggs,
  it appears, inspire passions. Many emails pointed
  out that cling-film is carcinogenic and shouldn't
  be boiled, others mentioned that they like
  poaching eggs by placing them in a mug with 1 cm
  of water, and then into the microwave for a minute.
  Our favourites, however, were the people who
  attempted the clingfilm method, failed, and fed
  it to their dog.

  * SWEARING - "Thanks," writes alex, "for linking
  to our company 'UK Data' on your newsletter
  (#178), encouraging people to visit and type in
  swear words. Perhaps not the ideal way to get our
  company promoted, but funny all the same."


  One-key gaming

  There's a school of thought that successful
  web gaming has fuck-all to go with X-boxes and
  3D visuals and everything to do with "here's
  a quick novelty, have a go." This game is
  all novelty and, frankly, we're wishing we'd
  thought of it. Damn.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WINDOWLICKERS.COM - a few months back the
  hot link doing the rounds was a kitten that
  licked your screen. Very cute. Knowing they
  were onto a good thing, the designers have
  followed it up with loads of doggy lick
  sequels for sale as screensavers, and it's
  all become a bit naff. Can't we have a mong
  licking the screen instead?

  * SPACE WANKING - Nasa! We know all about
  pooing in space. We've seen the videos
  of the poor astronauts using the vacuum
  shitters. Now we want to see someone
  masturbating in zero G, splooging perfect
  spheres of man-cum from their mighty

  * TOWELHEAD-FOR-A-DAY - stick a towel on your
  head, colour your skin brown with shoe
  polish and spend a day on London's public
  transport noting the reception you get.
  Might be interesting, we thinks.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Wandring Soul, jspearmint,
  marcus mainframe, aliceteeple, harry covert
  and The Duke of Prunes
  Top Tippery by random googling.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is stressed beyond belief.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the gay b4ta gays.
  (103990 - 27005)


  Suffering from arthritis and can't hold a dust
  rag for long? Slip an old sock over your hand
  and dust away.

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