NEWSLETTER: "DO TESCOS REALLY PROMOTE MUM-CHUFFING?"
This Week:
* CILLIT BANG - is "shit" shocker!
* WEEBL - Goes goth
* EXPERIMENT - Do tin foil hats really work?
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 205 - 18 NOV 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue205/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINKS
New BBC TV comedy & Domo-kun toys
>> Man Stroke Woman on Sunday nights. <<
No, not a quick fettle on the sofa before Match
of the Day 2. Man Stroke Woman is a seriously
funny new sketch show produced by Ash Atalla
(The Office). Catch it at 10.30pm on BBC Three.
http://snipurl.com/manstrokewoman
>> Get your Japanese imports here <<
* Huge selection of Totoro & Domo-kun toys
* "I'm Looking for a Japanese Girlfriend"
T-shirts
* Hentai games in English - available by download
* Japanese magazine subscriptions - anime,
fashion & more
* J-Snacks, including Japan Kit Kat, Pocky &
Black Black caffine gum
You've got a friend in Japan
http://www.jlist.com/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Shittit Bang, Weebl toys & Australia
>> Cillit Bang Vs Kill It Bam <<
Since we recently decided that Cillit Bang was
completely over and we never wanted to mention
it again, we're happy to inform you that it's
also shit and less effective than cheaper rip-off
products. T3h.kitteh brings you the consumer
expose of the year, we particulary enjoyed the
close-up details of his grotty kitchen.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/maryboneproject/2...
>> Weebl & Bob goes goth <<
Jonti has been spacking his flash spuds to
produce some more twaddle, this time about goths.
But the reason you need to watch this, is for
the fantastic advert at the end. It really makes
you feel good and possibly spendy concerning
his lovely new range of soft toys.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/gothic.htm
>> The truth about Australia <<
Remember the old 'visit Australia' advery from a
while back? The one with the "red and yellow
and pink and green song?" Pplakides does, but
he remembers it a bit different to you and me.
Gave us a chuckle anyway.
http://panosfantastic.co.uk/australia.html
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: THEY DIDN'T PRINT THAT - DID THEY?
Tesco Mum thing
Malc writes in with the shock news that "Tesco,
evil-ubershop of the UK recommends incest!"
And he has proof.
http://www.thegoth.force9.co.uk/malcsimg/tescomum....
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Birdseye advert, eBay fraud & Numbers game
>> Captain Birdseye: the truth <<
Remember the Australian advert edit that
we linked to, ooh five minutes ago?
It reminded Freddy Woo that everytime he
sees the current Birdseye ABC campaign he has
to shout at the screen. This is what he shouts:
http://snipurl.com/birdseye
>> eBay fraud malarky <<
P0rk writes - "Someone bought a CD from me,
and has been making copies of it to sell on eBay.
Unlucky thing is, he stole my ENTIRE listing
and HOTLINKED the images... what else could I
do?" What P0Rk means is that he was able to
change the images on the listing to something
entirely different. Revenge is sweet. BTW:
We've screen-grabbed this, assuming eBay will
pull it.
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/eBay.gif
>> Numbers game <<
Matazone has made an odd little game, it's
a bit like Nokia snake but oddly floaty.
Give it a shot, we're sure you can beat our
score of 300 or so.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/cf/circlefish....
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Weird Teachers
Last week we asked for your strangest teachers:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdteachers/
For some reason, all the best stories were about
Chemistry teachers. Chemistry it appears is the
new Rock and Roll. We present the following
three scientists as a lesson to others:
>> The Legless Cripple <<
"My chemistry teacher was a guy with glasses
about two inches thick, hair like an explosion
in a pube factory, and a screeching high-pitched
voice like nothing else I have ever heard. Oh and
he didn’t have any legs. He wore this pair of
awful wooden legs that went straight as rods all
the way up to his arse cheeks. Sadly he was about
as gifted in the use of his crutches as he was at
ballet dancing, so we nicknamed him Speedy. One
summer school fete there was a 'soak the teacher'
stall. Speedy, being a good old sort really, did
his bit and lurched & wobbled up to undergo his
stint behind the plastic sheeting. It went quite
well until one girl grabbed a sponge and shoved
it into his face really hard. It was like a
coconut being knocked off its perch. Except that
the coconut was Speedy’s body, and the perch was
his wooden legs. He disengaged in a flurry of
flailing crutches and strange yelping noises; all
that was left was a tangled pile of artificial
limb and wet cripple." (soapy norris)
>> The Fish Torturer <<
"Our evil, bald, ex-army chemistry teacher
always found an interesting way to present the
subject at hand. Picture a class of twenty
students watching in disbelief as the science
of electroplating is demonstrated. On a goldfish
in a bowl, projected on a large overhead viewing
screen. 'Copperfish' he called it." (StateOfGlee)
>> The Inflammable Sheep Botherer <<
"Our chemistry teacher was a spitting image of
Clive Sinclair, hence his nickname '48k'. THE
most flammable man in the world, permanently
eyebrow-less. Once set fire to the gas directly
out of the taps, igniting the blackboard eraser
and causing the school to be evacuated... Anyway,
48k asked me to "pick up some sheeps lungs at
the butchers, they are expecting you". We'd been
learning all about respiration that term, so I
did this without question. 48k put a tube into
the lungs so he could blow down it and inflate
them. It was a bit gory, blood clots and the
like, and a couple of girls in the class were
obviously swaying... 48k then took the tube out
and jabs at the diaphragm with a finger. The
butcher hadn't taken the voice box off the
lungs had he? so when 48k prods at them...
BAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH. Three girls go down like
dominoes, but, best of all, 48k leans down and
says, "Shhh Muriel, your mother will hear us."
The man is a legend in Hull." (airliebird)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to cheat, or at least confess your
cheating ways to us. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cheats/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Do tin foil hats really work? <<
The headwear of choice for today's paranoid nut
is the tinfoil beanie - shielding you from evil
brain lasers. But how well do they really work?
A team of crack scientists investigates. And finds
that they actually increase the intensity of
whatever's being beamed at your brain. We're
trying for Granada Men & Motors.
http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/
>> Lighter tracking <<
It's an idea we've all had - tracking lighters
on their fag track travels. Previous people have
tried it with GPRS cyber-spack bollocks, but this
version is nice, simple and successful. Just put
a sticker on the side to get people to mail you
a pic of them lighting up with it.
http://www.jamesrobertford.com/works/six_degrees_o...
>> Monkey washing a cat <<
Who doesn't like a monkey washing a cat? Just
look at the little fella go! Aww. Do we need to
add anything more?
http://www.brud.info/video/monkey_washing_cat.mov
>> Manky portrait game <<
The game here is to see if you can guess which
celebrity these slightly shonky pictures are
supposed to be of. Some of them are surprisingly
good likenesses.
http://wossname.thingy.com/portraits.htm
>> McDonalds signpost prank <<
Poor old McDonald's - imagine having your brand
dragged through the mud to the extent that just
adding 'Mc' to a word means 'a shit version of',
eg. McJobs. Anyway, these chaps found a poorly
guarded sign outside their local Maccy D's and
replaced it with one of their own designs.
http://www.phonelosers.org/pranks_mcdonalds_sign.h...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Fat magpie, spoiled hedgehog
This podgy little baby magpie has a hairstyle
strangely like that of a 70s footballer - and
perhaps that's why he looks so mournful.
http://www.pbase.com/image/33313869
Some animals are just spoiled. Admittedly, they
don't come much cuter than this wee hedgehog,
but take a look at the luxury euro-biscuit she's
snacking on - a cruel waste!
http://www.deepcity.org/inhuman/pets/hedgehog/bamb...
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: GIF OF THE WEEK
The award the web industry fears
What a peculiar little banner this is. Just take
a look about halfway down the page on teh right.
Keep looking. Why's that bloke flicking the Vs?
It's because he doesn't love Mansfield at all.
He's trapped in a gif, his soul is empty and
he lashes out the only way he can. In 16k of
web-optimised colour.
http://www.ilovemansfield.com/
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Bemusing anal bear
Surely God must be close at hand with His
cleansing rain of fire. This teddy bear talks
and farts when you stick your finger up his
bottom. The lisping voice clearly puts him in
the realm of gay stereotypes and puts you, the
unfortunate owner, in the position of a gay-bashing
tormentor of bears. Is that what you want?
http://snipurl.com/analbear
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Games for Geeks Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted to know what games geeks played
in their spare time.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/geekgames/
We asked B3ta boarder Rev Jesse Custer to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Rev Jesse Custer writes -
#1 Dirty geek - My overall fave. Just simply
brilliant. Funny and really well thought out.
(monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5315287
#2 Tetris - I love his expression - reminded me
how people look when playing games. (NoSoup4U)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5315890
#3 Puzzle - Simply made me laugh out loud! I love
how frustrated she looks with the whole thing.
(Betty Bo Bibster)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5327310
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor Coast of Yemen gave us
the suggestion, "Gameshows based on Songs"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/gameshows/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TOP TIP CORRECTION CORRECTED - We know we're
losing 90% of our readers with that headline,
but the pedantry amuses us. "The last
newsletter shows that biochemists are chemists
who have lost their way," opines turnercrw.
"The biochemistry student who corrected your
top tip about silver cleaning seemed to be
suggesting that aluminium would dissolve in a
solution of salt and water. Fortunately for
those with aluminium-bodied cars, that isn't
the case. In fact, aluminium has a higher
affinity for the substances that make up the
tarnish on silver than the silver itself,
and so the top tip suggestion transfers the
tarnish from the silver to the aluminium and
is perfectly safe, and, in fact, a recommended
method for cleaning silver." Oooh! Handbags!
* PASTA COOKEDNESS TEST - Sausage sequel. Now that
we have your attention again, jaypeaby writes,
"You can tell when sausages are cooked because
they bounce." It's true too. Look:
http://www.users.on.net/~jaypeabey/bouncybouncy.wm...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* REAL VIRAL COMPETITION - some PR agency
spammed everyone who on posts on our board
this week with the opportunity to enter a
"viral competition". Fuck that. Let's have
a real viral competition. With biochemists.
The winner gets to rule over an empty world.
* ANNOY SUPERMARKETS - go in and complain
that you can't buy Easter Eggs yet.
* RANKMYWANK.COM - a site for young men to
compare their wanking technique via short
video clips. With possibly a sister site
for the ladies, digmyfrig.com
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by jc.hodson, jamie.hillman,
kidb,Holy mother of God, Country_Fox,
hellokatja, OldWhit, underground650.
Top Tippery robbed from howtocleananything.com
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by the b4 "will they digg voting
or won't they?" ta wooyay massive.
(105883 - 31656)
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TOP TIP:
Since you can't bath your budgie, try this!
Thoroughly wash a sprig of fresh parsley then
tie the wet sprig to the inside bars of your
budgie's cage. He will roll against it, peck
it and clean himself! Also, he will be nicely
seasoned for when you roast him.
