NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S BLUE AND STICKY?"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Have you ever paid for sex?
* PHOTOS - Worst tea ever
* SONG - Cheery tune about a sex offender
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 212 - 20 Jan 2005
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Double tea & sex-offender Brian Peppers
>> 'Lovely' cup of tea <<
Kushan and Team Marybone decided to help English
chum Barry "do what all English people do: Drink
tea." Only ever having seen it done on TV and in
films before, their collective efforts "made
possibly one of the most disgusting cups of tea
you can imagine, with little more than just tea."
It really is unbelievably foul-looking and we
to salute Barry's lack of survival instincts in
actually trying to 'enjoy' it!
http://www.livejournal.com/users/maryboneproject/1...
>> Ninja tea-time <<
We feel jealous of Operative Noo, as surely he
lives in an action-packed world, where even the
most mundane are carried out on a knife-edge
of danger. Braver readers may want to carry out
something similar at home via the expedient of
making whoosh noises with your mouth every time
you move.
http://www.stealtheinternet.com/video.htm
>> Sex offender song <<
"Some of my work-mates are fascinated by
goggle-eyed, diminutive sex offender Brian
Peppers," mutters Gareth. "So I wrote a little
tune for them." And a rare treat you've given
them - and the man himself is a visual feast!
http://thebrianpeppersong.ytmnd.com/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Japanese stuff delivered...
J-List is a pretty cool place that sells
everything from Japan you could want:
* Hello Kitty Kimono stuff
* Ecko parody T-shirts featuring copulating
rhinos
* Tons of "futanari" manga comics, very
popular in Japan now
* Nintendo toys sold only in Japan
* Japan-only Kit Kat and other snacks
Visit us now - you've got a friend in Japan
http://www.jlist.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Fancy Dress
We asked you last week about the costumes you'd
worn, or been forced to wear. There's some
stories below, but it really is worth following
the link to gawp at the photos people have
posted. The first one scares us a lot.
http://b3ta.com/questions/fancydress/
>> Luke, it is your destiny... <<
What’s better than going out in fancy dress
to see Star Wars Episode 1? Convincing your
immensely gullible work colleague you’re all
going out in fancy dress then not, leaving him
to walk round the local out-of-town retail
park in the middle of the afternoon dressed
as a Jedi Knight in black baggy trousers, black
knee socks, black gown and a plastic light
sabre. The local chavvy kids had a field day.
Eventually, we took pity on him and took him
for a pint. Outside, a bloke dressed in a
really professional Yoda costume was giving out
promotional leaflets for the cinema next door.
Our young Jedi master walked over to him and
said, "Guess it's just you and me that made the
effort then, eh?" In a moment of fancy dress
solidarity, Yoda replied, "Piss off, prick,
I’m getting paid to wear this." We then left
him to catch the bus back to town on his own.
The sight of his little face pressed up against
the back window as a gang of teenagers tried
to bum him with his own light sabre haunts
me still. (Rakky)
>> You can't pull with no face <<
About 5 years back, me and 3 friends went to
a halloween party in Oxford as 4 car accident
victims. A friend who did makeup for the film
industry did the honours for us. It took bloody
ages. The problem was, Dan loved his job too
much. He went completely over the top, and it
just looked too realistic. I had half of my
face missing, with the jawbone exposed. One
of my friends had a compound fracture, with
the bone sticking out of his forearm, another
had a windscreen wiper stuck through his neck.
To get to the party, we had to walk through the
city centre. We made two children cry just by
looking at them, and were promptly bollocked
by their mother. At the party, no-one talked
to me all night because they just couldn't
handle looking at my bloodshot-eyed, glass
infested, half missing face. (8-Ball)
>> Hello Sailor <<
As an insufferable swot, I went on a school
exchange trip to the South of France. They
held a fancy dress party, in which I was
forced to wear - by the evil family I had
been dumped with - a rather cheeky sailor's
outfit, that made me look, frankly, like the
King Of The Homosexualists. All fine and dandy,
except the school we were exchanging with was
in Marseilles, the hardest city on Earth, and
the party was right by the docks. I'm lucky to
be alive. (Scaryduck)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the times you've
paid for sex. Talk to us here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/paidforsex/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Star Trek dance vid <<
Here's a video made to Darkmateria's 'The Picard
Song' made with clips from 'the Sims 2' and
'Star Trek: Bridge Commander'. It's a nice bit
of work and great to see the generally rather
po-faced Star Trek crew prancing around like
ninnies.
http://snipurl.com/startrekspackerdance
>> Floating dog <<
Two pilots are looping a small plane - in the
background their dog floats to the ceiling,
ears flapping and tail wagging. It's the dog's
utter failure to be amazed that makes this
vid so good.
http://snipurl.com/hellofloatydogwoof
>> Disabled Glamour <<
According to the couple running it, this soft
porn site was "created as an outlet for the
disabled person to express himself or herself
without having to be scrutinised and judged by
what society deems as 'beautiful'." All very
laudable, we're sure. So why does it all seem
especially creepy here? We suspect it's because
the models' disabilities are all cropped out of
frame and you can't help imagining things far
more disturbing than are actually there.
http://www.gimpsgonewild.com/models.htm
>> Things the postman won't carry <<
The Royal Mail has a comprehensive list of
things it just will not carry - and apparently
the postman is not allowed to deliver 'Filth'!
So that's our hopes pretty much dashed then...
http://snipurl.com/thedirtybastards
>> Book bar <<
It's an idea we've all had when moving into a
new place with not much furniture, but tons of
seemingly useless junk. Why not make furniture
out of your books/CDs/etc? These guys constructed
a pretty snazzy bar out of unwanted books.
Especially handy if you like to drink, but don't
enjoy reading.
http://www.vestaldesign.com/projects/bookbar/
>> Films that like to say 'Fuck' <<
Wikipedia is full of weird little corners where
someone felt some obscure thing was worth explaining
at length. Take this as an example; a list of
films ordered by uses of the word 'fuck'. The
accompanying graph is especially informative.
http://snipurl.com/wikifuk
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby squirrel
Who could help falling for this chubby little
red squirrel baby, snapped on a breakfast snuffle
for acorns? He couldn't be any more delightful
if he was wearing a tiny duffle-coat and mittens.
http://www.urlaubschweiz.de/imgansichten/eichhoern...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from 'legal drugs' Challenge
Last week we asked you what products would
companies make if naughty mind-bending drugs
became legal.
Our favourites included:
* VISIT AMSTERDAM WE HAVE NICE CANALS - loved
the idea that Amsterdam would have to find
a new way to promote itself to tourists.
(mediocore)
* QUATTRO ADVANCED SYRINGE SYSTEM - enjoyable
gag about the endless blades that razor
manufacturers keep adding.
(mechamatsimpsk)
* E BY GUM - remember the old joke about
Yorkshire people on ecstasy?
(edson)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/drugproducts/
>> New challenge: dodgy mechanics<<
This week we're asking 'if dodgy mechanics
ran the world.' Actually, that reminds us
of the old one-liner, 'seen on the on
the side of a white van, "Singh Repairs.
You've tried the cowboys, now try the
Indians."'
http://b3ta.com/challenge/dodgymechanics/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
vote on the ideas suggested by others.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Borked shelves, Indiana Jones & God simulator
>> "I broke my shelves!" <<
Rob Manuel's shelves have just collapsed, due
to him overloading them with stuff. "The top one
broke and dropped down breaking all the ones
beneath it," he laments. "It was like a mini 9/11."
Apparently, he is now banned from trying to
tidy up the living room. Crafty, Rob, crafty.
http://b3ta.com/board/5561300
>> Indiana Jones - Pixelmash <<
Fancy watching a bit of Indie, but stuck on
your mum's crappy dial-up connection? Well,
thanks to the sterling efforts FoldsFive and
the Pixelmash Experiment team, you can get
the entire classic trilogy in less than 800k!
Woo!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5403427
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5418077
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5556179
>> God simulator <<
Quoth The Sunshine Elephant: "At some point I
think you asked for a God Simulator. I decided
to make one." Yay. We actually asked for that
in May 2004, but this is very lovely and well
worth the wait!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5555040
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SAND PICS - loads of people got in touch to tell
us about the art they created on the sand thing
we linked to last week. This was our favourite.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5548080
* RABBIT TRANCE - Hannah Winchester tried our last
week's tip for hypnotising bunnies on her rabbit.
"The next day he died. Coincidence or not, maybe
you should warn others?" We suspect that she may
have inadvertently delivered some kind of kung-fu
'death-touch' move to her rabbit in the process
of entrancing it. We are informed that's what got
Bruce Lee too, so there you go.
* SHARK TRANCE - Jared informs us that the rabbit
trance trick works with sharks too. "All you
need to do is flip them onto their backs. It's
called Tonic Immobility." Sounds like a simple
solution to a shark attack right there.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonic_immobility
* SINDY DOLL STORY - Someone, perhaps us, reckoned
that the Sindy doll-based photo love story we
featured a couple of weeks ago was made by 'mad,
gay northerners'. Lin, the author, wrote to tell
us that she was "flattered that you find it amusing,
however, I am not a mad, gay northerner..I am a
female, heterosexual southerner...so I had to laugh!!
Anyhow, thanks I got a lot of hits due to the post
and quite a few lovely emails saying they liked
the site!" Thanks Lin!
http://www.funtime-sindy.co.uk/
* OVERCOOKED BAKED BEANS - Last week we asked
whether overcooking beans really does 'impair'
their taste and if you can tell. The Dave
replies, "I used to work in the Chicken Shop
known as KFC. The barbecue baked beans in the
morning are always more pleasant than the dregs
of the bucket that are left for the late
afternoon customers. The memories of that summer
job seven years ago still haunt me."
* THE 'OTHER' NIGNOG CLUB - Last issue we mentioned
the charitable northern organisation known as the
NigNog club. To our surprise, Bertram Wooster
informs us that "The local Hollygarth Social Club
in Ilkley is still 'affectionately known as 'nignogs''
according to its website. Not only that, but they are
so proud of it they go on for a whole paragraph!"
http://www.hollygarth.com/About.htm
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SNEEZE CHALLENGE - wikipedia claims "it is
almost impossible for a person to keep their
eyelids open during a sneeze." Do you own
some pepper and a video camera? Can you proove
them wrong?
* STANDARD INTERNET ENGLISH - we've got a theory
that spelling will move to cross between
English and American depending on which
alternative usage is most popular on the web.
There's probably a thesis in this, which
we're too lazy to write.
* FAKE-MY-DOCUMENT.COM - a collection of high
resolution legal documents from drivers
licences to birth certificates to be
downloaded and photoshopped for use in low
level fraud.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by jazzle, Joel Nisbet, Elmyra,
lincolnsmithvstheblackprince, Mushroom,
Andreas Altefrohne and the Pixelmash Experiment
team: FishTheCat, Prof Pixel Masher, Threepwood,
WeAreTheLemon, Curis, Mutated Monty, Chronic,
SpanishCatFish, Billbobarneybobs and
the Great Architect
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
** ANSWER TO JOKE: Smurf cum **
Respect to b4ta. (107100-33078)
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TOP TIP:
Baking soda will remove the coffee and tea
stains from your favorite mugs.
>> Happy Birthday Alex <<
"My boyfriend Alex's birthday is January 23rd and
I was wondering if you can give him a little
birthday shout out via a b3ta newsletter," says
Melissa Hewitt. "I am not going to be able to see
him on his birthday, seeing as how I am in the
States and he is in the fabulous UK. He is the
best guy in the whole world and I just want to
surprise him."
Sorry, Melissa, we can't help - it's our policy
never to do birthday messages in the newsletter.
