NEWSLETTER: "B3TA: MORE SUBSCRIBERS THAN THERE ARE LIB-DEM VOTERS"
This Week:
* BIROS - Enter our biro art challenge
* AMAZON TAT - Teacup that looks like a bog
* HOARDING - Tell us your stories of mad
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to get 10p off
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| our web"
B3ta email 527 - May the Forth fuck off 2012
Read this on PirateBay torrent (not available UK)
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue527
Vote [x] : [email protected]
Spoil [8==)] : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
1001 Albums you Must Listen to before you die
Here's how we've been wasting time recently -
using this guide to music from the 1960s to
now to direct us to things to look up on
Spotify. It's like having a big paper index to
your desktop music app and utterly solves the
"I want to hear something new but I don't know
what" question. Try it. You can even grab it
secondhand for a couple of quid.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184403392...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Yoda, Ladybird, Facebook & Banksy
>> Yoda - Ay - EEE - Ooooo <<
"May the 4th be with you," intones pi bennett,
solemnly. Then this peculiar thing. Happy
Farscape Day or whatever, nerds.
http://bit.ly/JY57dY
>> Harsh reality books for kids <<
Blackmoon has done a lovely rewrite/update of
the classic 1960s Ladybird books. Teach today's
kids what they need to know.
http://www.markta.co.uk/ladybird/
>> Jackman hijacks Travolta's Facebook <<
"JT lets Jackman use his super-swish computer
to crack a 512-bit encryption code, but forgets
to log out.." explains Superplex. We love the
look of tremendous self-satisfaction on
Jackman's face at his own, mediocre pranking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Banksy R&D Twitter <<
"I just started a Twitter account," confides
Toast Master, "From fictional Banksy R&D
Department @BanksyIdeas." It's full of topical,
cultural references, yeah?
http://twitter.com/BanksyIdeas
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Morning After Souvenirs
We wanted to know what you'd woken up
clutching triumphantly after a night out. The
sheer irrationality of some of your souvenirs
makes us terribly proud:
http://b3ta.com/questions/morningaftersouvenirs/
* SQUELCHY - "A friend of mine (honest) woke
up in the morning after a heavy night feeling
a bit sticky 'downstairs'. He thought 'Oh my
God, I've shat myself.' With trepidation, he
peeled back the duvet, and glanced down. It
wasn't shit. It was a mixture of garlic sauce,
donner meat and shredded lettuce smeared all
over his lower torso and genitals. To one
side, a sad looking, torn up pitta bread. He'd
had sex with a kebab." (SnowyTheRabbit)
* FLASHY - "In my first year at Uni I
collected bollards, flashing yellow roadworks
lights, etc. Every morning I'd wake up to find
a couple more in my room. Sometimes there was
even a 'ROAD CLOSED' sign or two. It got to
the point that I could hardly move around my
room for all the council-clutter. So I hatched
a cunning plan and later that very night I
swung (drunkenly) into action... I closed off
an entire road. Yep, there were ROAD CLOSED
signs, dozens of bollards, and plenty of those
yellow flashing lights. Very impressive if I
say so myself. Upper Marsh in Lambeth stayed
closed for four whole days, with
annoyed-looking drivers having to reverse out
into main-road traffic. Only on the fifth day
did the council come and unblock my road. Yes,
that's right, MINE, forever more, because for
four entire days I OWNED that road." (Purple
Martin)
* WHIFFY - "In the late 1990s, the capital was
regularly plastered with fly-posters for
bands. One night, I spied one for Air's
sublime Sexy Boy. The poster was ace -
minimal, with their iconic monkey. It was
attached to one of those green junction boxes
and already peeling off along with the 45
posters underneath it. I carefully pulled and
- Huzzah! It came away in one piece. What with
it actually being a stack of posters glued
together, it stood up by itself. So I propped
it up on the radiator in my bedroom. It was
only when the heating came on the next day
that I realised exactly how many passers-by
had used that junction box as an impromptu
urinal." (costas)
>> This Week - Hoarding <<
"Just in case" - yeah, that's why we have four
ZIP drives on a shelf. What old crap have you
kept against all rational judgment. Has it
ever come in useful? Tell us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/hoarding/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Million Short search engine <<
Simply removing the million most popular sites
from your web search yields really interesting
results. It's almost... better, if you're
looking for something specific.
http://millionshort.com/
>> 'Life-ruining secrets' <<
A real journey into the heart of darkness, as
confessional Reddit thread brings out tales of,
well, murder and incest. Obviously, it's all
lies, but still a cracking read.
http://bit.ly/Ka3H13
>> Bullshit political story? <<
List article on Cracked turns into an
impassioned rant. If you see certain words in a
headline, you'll know the story is a load of
crap. Media coverage tries to make politics
more interesting by treating it as some sort of
partisan team sport, instead of something, you
know, important.
http://bit.ly/JlrfsN
>> Plushies made from children's drawings <<
Kids don't necessarily draw the cutest things,
resulting in some highly peculiar and
individual-looking toys.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/childsown/
>> Dad takes amazing photos of kids <<
Kids' granny got sick, so their dad started
taking these insanely cool photos so she could
see them having fun. Just excellent.
http://bit.ly/HSHpfV
>> Ukrainian 'Barbie Girl' <<
Strange pics of woman's inexplicable quest to
make herself look like a plastic doll.
http://vk.com/photos4926666
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV with a smeared rather than dusty screen
>> Do toddlers like Radiohead? <<
Adorable tots review Paranoid Android, with the
aid of some drawings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Grandmas watch the Kardashian sex tape <<
Three old ladies talk about, then watch a
celebrity sex tape. Great comments. People in
their 70s are quite hard to shock about some
things.
http://bit.ly/Jj3xPV
>> How to stop a nightmare <<
Aww. Mummy cat comforts her sleeping baby.
Although the real question is, what sort of
monster idly stands by, filming while a kitten
has a bad dream??
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_stop_a_nightmare
>> 'Autistic reporter visits Afghanistan' <<
Thoughtful sketch that uses the child-like lens
of autism to explain some uncomfortable truths
about war.
http://b3ta.com/links/785056
>> Awesome cat fight <<
Filmed out of someone's window, but with an
epic score, two crows make cats fight for their
own amusement. Well-played, crows, but you're
too clever, like little, feathery velociraptors.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Jim Kerr
We haven't thought about CuteOverload in yonks
but Kompani reminded us it's still going strong,
with this charming mix of Simple Minds lyrics
and a photo of a wet kitten.
http://bit.ly/u8jDj3
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny like an STD is funny
* CUMING MUSEUM - chrishilt0n points out that
this Southwark museum has a sort of funny name.
We already know about this - we used to live
about 5 mins from it. Really interesting and
quirky collection. There's a night hat covered
in real human teeth, a flea circus and a
strange, stuffed monkey sewn to a fish, that
was exhibited as some kind biological freak.
Worth an hour of your time if you're in the
area and your expectations are sort of low
(it's curious rather than amazing).
http://www.southwark.gov.uk/cumingmuseum
* PRICK UP YOUR EARS - Hong Kong makes a cock
and balls from headphones.
http://www.digitalradio.gov.hk/en/basics/index.htm...
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: AMAZON TAT
Troll reviews and junk product corner
* TOILET MUG - specifically designed to make
tea look like refreshing liquid shit. An ideal
present for a friend with bowel cancer.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002SQG4T...
* ZUBA PANTS REVIEWS - "I'm a roadie by trade -
dragon slayer by choice. These pants fit for
both." Also worth looking at the customer
submitted photos:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000WVXM0W/...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Disappointment Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us the
face of disappointment
Your favourites included:
* HORROR: gift to girlfriend prompts
headband-generated misery (herman:D)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10756694
* SADNESS: b3ta board meme spirals
devastatingly in on itself (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10754942
* MISERY: in which Jeremy, the annoying horse,
returns in shame to the paddock (Fresh Water
Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10755410
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/disappointment/
>> New challenge: Biro Art <<
This week's challenge is to create your next
masterpiece in biro, or model something out of
several biros. Show those poncy
charcoal/acrylic users the true power of the
ballpoint pen. Show them hard. Challenge
suggested by Yo 'Ho Charles and a bottle o'
rum.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/biros/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* POO-MASHING CHERRY STONES - Sittingduck
writes, "I lived in a house with a poo-mashing
toilet. One night me and some friends visited
a pub and sat in the beer garden under a
massive cherry tree that was loaded with
fruit. Throughout the night we gorged
ourselves on beer and cherries. Being a bit
pissed come the end of the evening I'd
swallowed a load of cherry stones. The
following morning, after my habitual morning
dump, I pulled the flush and was treated to a
sound like one of those rain-maker sticks
found in hippy tat shops. Just about made my
day ;)"
* FAKE TURDS TO TEST TOILETS - Chiptooth
writes, "Follow on from macerators, I thought
this would interest you. How to test bogs?
With tiny little turds, it seems!"
http://bit.ly/JIPcAS
* LAST DAYS OF THE B3TA ART AUCTION - Happy
Toast writes, "It's the final few days of the
B3ta Art Auction 2012. Now's your chance to
grab a bargain AND donate money to charity.
Pick up a 3D light-up Goatse painting, a
Watchmen sock monkey or a portrait of David
Lynch and your pennies will feed & home big
cats!"
http://b3ta.com/links/749374
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DAVID ICKE ALARMCLOCK - "Wake up sheeple!"
* TV SHOWS THAT ED MILIBAND WOULD WATCH -
"Make a new level on Manic Miner" "Work out an
infinite lives poke for Alien8". We will enjoy
Sir Clive Sinclair's presenting The Apprentice.
* IDEAS TO MAKE MONEY - go on breakfast TV &
then moon at the audience. Your arse. 7:30 in
the morning. YouTube gold.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Fucking sub yeah!: [email protected]
Fuck off then: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mattround,‏
@sandersonjones, ButacuP, @nickie72,
sinisterduck, c_reporter_explains, mrandrist,
mictoboy, jams, curseofbeers. Image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tip via Me, I'm not... posting. Subjlols
via nordelius.
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TOP TIP:
Convince friends that they have a cat, by
sneaking into their house, shitting & puking
on the carpet then shredding their furniture
with a Stanley Knife.
