NEWSLETTER: "JOKE FREE FOR LEGAL PURPOSES"
This Week:
* COCKS - Add them to your photos
* HATE MAIL - People want to be insulted
* BABIES - Slowed down, at last
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the whale
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | until we've finished
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| our chips.. together"
B3ta email 550 - 12 Oct 2012
Read this issue backwards & summon the Devil:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue550
Hugs : [email protected]
Shrugs : [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Pre-order Paper White Amazon Kindle
We're very excited that the Paper White Kindle
is coming to the UK for the 25th October. This
is a backlit Kindle so you can read the fucking
thing in bed without having to attach a stupid
snake light to it which looks like shit.
Apparently better resolution too but we don't
remember the old one being low resolution - so
62% more pixels to read your 50 Shades Of Grey
mum porn.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007OZO03...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Making fun, that's what
>> Immature Bokeh <<
"Online communities for photography are either
really twee, or po-faced," claims
nachimir. "I thought they could definitely do
with more knobs and bollocks." For the
uninitiated, bokeh is that photography thing
where lights are surrounded by lots of little
shapes. Our fave of this lot is the little cloud
of fucks.
http://www.immaturebokeh.co.uk/
>> Weebl's Christmas Nativity <<
"Me and Weebl united once again!" rejoices
Wonchop. This is an excellent thing and
extremely seasonal. Sadly, not this season, but
that's still a quality.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Weebls_Christmas_Nativit...
>> Goodbye Max X <<
"The last Max film," rasps Sheep! "Although not
the last film I'll ever make..."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Branding
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Driven to Madness
We wanted to know what drives you up the wall
these days. Beyond Comic Sans, that is:
http://b3ta.com/questions/driventomadness/
Here's a top 0x0A:
* People who talk during a film.
* Women who shriek when they meet.
* Wheelie luggage twats.
* People who pout in photos.
* God botherers.
* Litter louts.
* Those bastards who put coffee in the sugar.
* Men that tell you what women like.
* People who use hexadecimal by default.
... and ...
* HKLP: "Holds Knife Like Pen"
>> This Week - THE BEST THING I'VE BUILT <<
What have you made that makes you proud? It
doesn't have to work, just make you feel good.
http://b3ta.com/questions/bestthingivebuilt/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> We really want a 3D printer <<
Listening to the 80s pop song Twist in my
Sobriety the other day and noticed a pretty and
delightfully melancholy oboe part. Googling the
player we've found he's called Malcolm Messiter
and has recently been using a 3D printer to mend
his harpsichord. What a chap.
http://bit.ly/TlucPq
>> Robot cloud analyser <<
In some wondrous meeting of science and whimsy
the Pareidolic Robot spends its time scanning
clouds for formations that look like faces.
Would it spoil the magic to make it look for
sky cocks?
http://www.di12.rca.ac.uk/projects/pareidolic-robo...
>> Film versus Music <<
Website randomly links a scene from a film to a
random bit of music. Yakety Sax vs Commando
worked well for us. In fact anything with Yakety
Sax added is immediately funny - the more
serious the source material the better.
http://film-v-music.com/
>> One night stand schadenfreude <<
A site where women can put up texts from men to
ask "what do they mean?" Here's a tip - when
people don't make an effort to re-connect, 99
times out of a 100 they aren't bothered. Painful
to read.
http://hetexted.com/
>> How much do cats actually kill?? <<
A lot apparently. They are murdering shits who
murder shit.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cats_actually_kill
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Because YouTube needs more traffic
>> Hate mail <<
The Dalai Farmer writes: "This project from
misterbingo sends beautifully-crafted abuse to
people via the near-forgotten medium of
postcard. Some of the brilliantly abusive
content is shown off in this video which no
doubt has b3ta appeal." Long but rather
interesting.
http://vimeo.com/34951319/
Dalai also writes: "Oh and further to my
previous email, he has a book out with a
selection of delicious abuse within."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/071815903...
>> Alcohol Vaporizer Bong <<
If you're bored with the necessity of having to
drink alcohol maybe you'd like to try inhaling
it instead? Apparently gets you drunk very
quickly with the added fun of increased risk of
acute alcohol poisoning. Have fun kids and don't
drink the liquid nitrogen cocktails on Freshers
Week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Bottles Beware! <<
Be-bearded fatty strikes fear into the hearts of
water containers everywhere, with his quick-draw
sword and knife techniques. Why is it always
water in these vids - surely a huge balloon of
blood would be more impressive? Also, he is very
fast with a sword and very, very fat.
http://b3ta.com/links/Bottles_Beware
>> The shape of a sound <<
Salt, sprinkled on a vibrating tray, forms very
different patterns, depending on the pitch of
the sound - surprisingly quickly, too.
http://youtu.be/DGSU5rcHmRQ
>> Slowed-down Babies <<
Giggling toddler, at half-speed, sounds like an
over-enthusiastic and slow-witted giant man.
Still infectious though. When it comes to
crying, one commenter sums it up best as "sounds
like generic retarded cyclops."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
http://bit.ly/Tlup5d
>> Peculiar anime duet <<
No idea what's going on here, but it's highly
odd and rather enjoyable.
http://b3ta.com/links/_:99
>> Bad Lip Reading Presidential debate <<
The Bad Lip Reading crew turn Obama and Romney's
head-to-head into a beautiful, surreal musical.
"I'm not a robot. I wish...!"
http://b3ta.com/links/Eye_of_the_Sparrow
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Redefining funny as unfunny since 1973
* SINGAPORE LADY - we just hope she brushes her
teeth.
http://www.nie.edu.sg/profile/chew-shit-fun
* COCK CHEM - K2k6 writes, "Part of my job
involves testing materials for polycyclic
aromatic hydrocarbons such as
benzo(k)fluoranthene. To the untrained eye, its
chemical structure just looks like, well, a
chemical structure. But to a b3tard..."
http://www.chemspider.com/Chemical-Structure.8804....
* THORNTONS FUN - wideeye writes, "Saw this in
my local co-op... Interesting phrasing there, Mr
Thornton."
http://bit.ly/PrPfUZ
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Draw your own computer game
Deceptively simple playing fields and controls -
mindless fun ensues - we like it mainly for the
DIY art, extremely reminiscent of Line Rider
circa 2006 - but executed using HTML5 canvas
stuff which means Adobe hate it and will cry
flash vector tears if you play it.
http://canvasrider.com/tracks
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Make unhappy endings happy - the results!
Your favourites included:
* HAPPY SE7ENTH BIRTHDAY! What's in the box?
(HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10857705
* ROBOT POSTS JOKE ON FACEBOOK - satire totally
unconnected to us. (Monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10860230
* AND THEY ALL SHINED ON - if only Kubrick had
lived to make this director's cut. (Brian
O'Blivion)
http://b3ta.com/board/10858600
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/happy-unhappy/
>> New challenge: New torture devices <<
This week's challenge is to invent new and
painful ways of extracting information from
people. Make these foul contraptions as
revolting, unlikely and cruel as possible.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/torture/popular/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* iPHONE KEYBOARD BLOKE GETS KICKSTARTER CASH -
Craig Rothwell writes, "It looks like it could
hit $200k which is just amazing and $50k over
what we had hoped for. Those of you who
supported us early on really helped get the
momentum going! Kickstarter is an amazing
resource for start ups. I really think it will
change how small businesses are funded when it
launches in the UK. If you have an idea, I'd
start planning your project now - the first ones
on the UK site are bound to get enormous press
attention."
http://kck.st/PpPyKw
Also Craig mentions, "I made an alternative
video for it too, which we didn't use (for
obvious reasons) but which is more entertaining:"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SOLUTIONS TO FACIAL HAIR - shaving is just so
1990s.
* LEARNING TO SEE UNDERWATER - we're convinced
if we swim enough underwater we'll get better at
it. Have any of you done this?
* A USE FOR HEAD-LICE - we've got loads of them.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Bumchums : [email protected]
Bumbastards: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by *redacted* & David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by tubaman, murray,
UltimateMonkey, skeltonator, Tusk, Herb Alpert's
Taxi Driver, ok, chompedhomas, Linbox, haxworth.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Munsta.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Take lots of exercise and eat properly. The list
of problems it helps with is almost limitless;
depression, not being able to sleep, anxiety,
confidence, longevity, heart disease. You name
it basically. Your mum was right.
