NEWSLETTER: BLOODY IMMIGRANTS, COMING OVER HERE, TAKING OUR NOBEL PRIZES
This Week:
* DANGER - world's worst streetview streets
* PIZZA - in your frying pan???
* BLACK DOCTOR WHO - who's your fave?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're still here.
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | We still care.
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| (When we're awake)"
B3ta email 640 - 10 Oct 2014
Read this issue in 3D on your Google Cardboard:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue640
Kiss : [email protected]
Piss : [email protected]
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Oooh look. A second B3ta newsletter in as many
weeks and we put in extra time going through
the old email - loads of truly excellent stuff!
Please be sure to send us your things via the
mailus form, so we
have a good load of links to look at. Thanks.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SPONSORED LINK
We used to sell ads or link to some Amazon tat
but this week, if you want to support the
newsletter then buy some shit from our wishlist.
http://snurl.com/29bxpee
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Well in the last few months maybe
>> Frying pan pizza <<
Colmcq2 has invented a new way to cook pizza
from scratch - just using a frying pan. It's
an extraordinary method, finally an alternative
to pizza stones! Who would've thought such
innovation was possible? You'll be seeing this on
all the cookery shows - we bet a million quids.
http://myfoodeeblog.com/2014/10/02/cheap-fast-pizz...
>> Is Nigel Farage deliberately copying Kim Jong? <<
Iambob writes, "When I saw Nigel Farage
gleefully riding a tank in the news today, I
thought he looked like a crazy dictator. 'Is it a
one-off?' I wondered. Just a co-incidence? A small
amount of google image searching later, I am
worried it is not..." BTW: if you vote UKIP please
unsub from this newsletter.
http://kimjongfarage.tumblr.com/
>> Breaking into a theme park <<
Plasticine-botherer Lee Hardcastle writes,
"Slowly but surely, I'm talking baby steps into
the world of 'live action' film making. This is
my latest effort, funded by Thorpe Park." Give
this man a BUDGET, ok?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/breaking_into_a_theme_pa...
>> Black Doctor Who <<
Peter Judge writes, "What if Doctor Who was
black? With Doctor Who coming back and all that,
I made an alternative reality list. Oh, and I
got in Morgan Freeman." Reminds us of the
wonderful Black Seinfeld sketch.
http://judgecorp.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/what-if-do...
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: USVSTH3M CORNER
Recent stuff made by that other 'b3ta-ish' project
* Homeopathic Battleship - Homeopathy tells us
that things get more powerful at higher
dilutions. Can you hit a battleship at the most
powerful dilution of all? (made by b3ta's own
Monkeon)
http://games.usvsth3m.com/homeopathic-battleship/
* How Clean Is Your Screen? - Can you tell our
real dirt from your fake dirt? (also made by
Monkeon)
http://games.usvsth3m.com/how-clean-is-your-screen...
* What House Could You Buy In The Past? -
Depress yourself by discovering how much easier
your parents had it! (made by Tom Scott, cr3,
Mushybees & Rob Manuel)
http://games.usvsth3m.com/what-house-could-you-buy...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Real-Life Slapstick II
Last week we asked for incidents of real-life
slapstick you'd witnessed. Or simply made up for lols.
http://b3ta.com/questions/slapstick2/
* FUEL - "After motorcycle training, my test
went without problem and I parked up with the
others to watch the remaining candidates. One
lass on a scooter was approaching a corner when
she managed to fuck up royally: rather than
slowing, she accidentally grabbed a large handful
of throttle.
"The bike shot forwards, hit a wall and
somehow bounced in such a way that it actually
drove UP the wall. It came to rest about 2m
up, hanging from the ivy that covered the
brickwork. The rider had been deposited on the
ground below, perfectly placed to receive,
full in the face, the stream of petrol now
pouring out of the tank..."
(moon monkey)
* CROTCH -"Attempting to alight from an Edinburgh
double decker bus with a couple of mates, I was
the first to go down the stairs.
"As soon as I let go of the rail the bus
driver slammed on the brakes as a car pulled
out without warning. This sent me flying up
towards the front of the bus, head first RIGHT
into the crotch of a young lady.
"It's quite tricky to remain cool when you
have your face wedged into an attractive
girl's mimsy and a crowded bus is collectively
laughing its tits off at you. 20 years later,
it still gets brought up by my mates. Cunts."
(Reverend Fister)
* TURD - "I was walking with a friend up on the
hill fort above Brighton, we decided to walk a
little bit down an extremely steep hill to sit
on the hillside and smoke a joint.
"My mate took about three steps before sliding
about three and a half metres on a massive dog
turd. He was sliding on one foot, until said
foot picked up momentum and travelled faster
than his body, at which point it kicked up
into the air above his head as he landed on
his back.
"Assuming he had landed in the turd he quickly
rolled over onto his front, only to land face
first directly into the turd...It was fucking
hilarious."
(Glovington)
>> This Week - Nepotism <<
Ages ago Danishbacon suggested we ask about
nepotism. As we weren't related, we ignored
this. Tell us your worst examples, or admit
to the time you employed your cousin and he
totally fucked the job up:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nepotism/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* SPOOKY SHIT THAT DOES THE LINK ROUNDS THIS
TIME OF YEAR - zh84stephen suggests that you
"make a creepy doll mobile for Halloween."
http://www.epbot.com/2013/10/diy-creepy-doll-mobil...
* SHIT ROADS - Chris recommends this "pretty
cool website using Google's Street View
technology to look at the most dangerous roads
in the world."
https://towncentrecarparks.com/dangerous-roads/
* READ-Y WORD THING - Robertvaliant writes, "I
can't remember if it was B3ta that first linked
me to the page where a guy had worked out the
historical date of Ice Cube's 'good day' but
thought about it today, googled it and found
there was an update early this year. Not
exactly topical but it's touching. In a good
way. Not in a show-me-where-on-the-doll way."
http://murkavenue.tumblr.com/post/74217853222/the-...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but even shittier
* AWKWARD AD FOR TRAVEL AGENCY - if we ever went
on holiday, we'd deffo book here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* APOCALYPSE POOH - tubaman writes, "This remix
appropriates famous fictional animals from
Disney's animated version of Winnie the Pooh and
recasts them as characters in Francis Ford
Coppola's gritty Vietnam War drama Apocalypse
Now. In the new narrative, the beloved Hundred
Acre Wood is transformed into a horrific war
zone in which Pooh, Piglet, and the rest of the
gang struggle to keep their sanity."
http://youtu.be/5jWGJ3pyLgs
* GOOD WORK WITH THE PROMOTIONAL PLACEMENT,
ASDA. BTW: Our fact of the week is that George
Bush delayed the curing of diabetes by 8 years
by banning stem cell research.
https://vine.co/v/OmxBWU3FuxP
* WEIRD, PISSING YOUTUBE PERVERT - this guy films
himself peeing on the seat whilst giggling.
https://www.youtube.com/user/yomamdagreat1/videos
* STAR TREK BEHIND THE SCENES - remember the
bald lady alien from the first Star trek movie?
Here is some strangely emotional footage of her
having her hair shaved off. She cries.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* SEXY TIMES FOR ALL - Shazzoir writes, "Dear
b3ta, ever wanted to protect your scrotum so
badly you'd still wear your undies while having
sex? Then this nifty, and informative, video
complete with on-time rhymes is for YOU." The
crappy animation and weirdness of product make
this a double win.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not funny but fuck it, it's #content
The problem about funny names and cock-shaped
logos is that some people do it deliberately,
as a shit marketing ploy and that stops it
being funny. For example:
http://stocklogos.com/topic/dirty-bird-fried-chick...
Loathsome. Fucking loathsome.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Victorians' challenge
Last week celebrated all things victorian,
men in big hats, women in bigger skirts and
family photos with the deceased.
Your favourites included:
* The War of the Stars: Georges Méliès
classic space opera (Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/11103553
* Under the skirt: What lies beneath a
victorian lady (Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/11103579
* Tunes: Wax battles on the wheels of
mahogany (LP)
http://b3ta.com/board/11104094
All these images, and a couple more can be found
here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/Victorians/
>> New challenge: Useless Machines <<
This week we want to see your fantastic
inventions that do absolutely NOTHING.
Challenge suggested by Drimble.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/uselessmachines/
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: EMAILS FROM THE US GOVERNMENT?!
Trawling through email we found this:
"Hi. The US Library of Congress is working on a
project to archive websites that document
digital/internet culture. We would like to
contact you about the possibility of archiving
b3ta. Could you write back to me with an email
address that we can contact you at? Best,
Trevor" Fuck - the spooks are onto us!
http://blogs.loc.gov/folklife/2014/06/getting-seri...
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: EMAILS OF SUPPORT MISSING THE NEWSLETTER
* Maryanndoherty writes, "My dear sirs: What the
hell has happened to the newsletter? My
psychological well-being is in serious jeopardy
without my weekly fix. I, without doubt, will
attribute the decline in work, social and
personal productivity to the failure of your
association in producing a newsletter since July
18. Really? July 18!
"And you expect the populace to accept this
without complaint or uprise? So many missed
opportunities to mock your mates across the
pond: importing ebola; White House invasions;
other stuff...I want my b3ta back. Please.
Pretty please."
* Oingodeboingo writes, "You are the best thing
on the internet and have been for years for me.
Please please keep going. You inspire me. If you
can't keep going, then thank you, thank you, and
thank you. Thank you for what you've done for
me. All the best and. All my love. "
* Andy writes, "Howdy! Love you guys! What's
happened to the weekly newsletter! I have
nothing to read now when the baby wakes ME up at
6am on a Saturday!! :( Cheers Andy"
* Rob writes, "Sup sup, I've never ever messaged
you guys before but must have returned to your
site at least once a month for the best part of
ten years. I love it and I love the fact that
you've never changed the UI."
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Follow @b3ta on Twitter and win jack shit:
https://twitter.com/b3ta
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mubarak,
@RubyJubilee, barryheadwound, john_s_francis
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Enzyme.
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TOP TIP: Bent iPhone? Try not to bend it, you
clumsy twat. (eViLegion)
