NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S LONG, STIFF, AND SLIDING INTO YOUR MAILBOX?"
This Week:
* FANTASY FOOTBALL - Football officially "ok"
* GOING OUT - Your b3tan social guide
* QOTW GOLD - That "Twix sex" story revived
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're replacing the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | with 4 lines of javascript
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| calling everyone a cunt"
B3ta electro fax 688 - 4th August 2018
Read this issue in your fancy telephone voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue688
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In the week where The Onion said that "Apple
Becomes First American Company That Should Have
Paid Trillion Dollars In Taxes" here's the B3ta
newsletter: late but hopefully quite readable -
and if you'd like to support our work here,
please consider bunging some money into the
Patreon. Thank you loyal B3tans, maybe we could
become the first Trillion Dollar newsletter. It's
good to have a target.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL
Your secret code to join in
A few years back we hated football but then we
quite enjoyed the recent World Cup and realised
we didn't hate football, we just hated second
division 1980s football in a economically
depressed Midlands town.
Anyway, the point is TownsendsPublisher invites
you to join in the fantasy football stuff with
a B3ta League "Best of luck in the race for
second" he says.
League code 1475540-438206:
https://fantasy.premierleague.com/a/home
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: BEST ADULT TITLES
Amusing titles from 70s porn
@70sAdultTitles is reading old print grot and
cropping out the titles. Here's just a few we
liked:
* Too Many Cocks Spoilt The Brothel
* Fussy Bummers
* Boobs in a Hovercraft
* Barkin Up The Wrong Twat
* 2 fucks + 1 fuck = 1 massive fuck
More at the Twitter website dot com:
https://twitter.com/70sAdultTitles/
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B3tan Scaryduck has a book coming out called
"Angry People in Local Newspapers" based on his
popular Facebook group and would like you to be
aware it's coming up. We would link you to the
Amazon page but there's no pre-order button so
here's the Facebook page instead:
https://facebook.com/angrypeopleinlocalnewspapers
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ABBA's "Gimme A Man After Midnight" is no longer
a problem given dating apps. Although the quality
of men that turn up might be bit of a cursed
wish, Agnetha.
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: BREXIT PODCAST ON VIDEO
3 Blokes In The Pub... Talk NO DEAL Brexit
Thatgingerscouser writes, "Brexit Britain is
fed up with experts. These days we only listen
to the bloke down the pub. So in this
controlled experiment, we put three experts in
a pub and recorded the results for your viewing
pleasure."
https://youtu.be/Sx4AF-3Rd44
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: NEW UNDEAD TEDS AVAILABLE
Spend your readies on monstrous teddies
Long term readers will remember
PhiIIipBlackman's mangled Theodores. Well,
there's new ones out. BUY THEM!
http://www.undeadteds.com/
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: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
Sponsored Patreon
We reckon 99% of readers probably have legs.
And most people who have legs probably want to
cover them in some trousers. Speak to Hebtro.
They'll sort you the shit out.
https://hebtro.co/
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: BEST DELETED WIKIPEDIA TITLES
Wikipedian editors have high standards for what
is suitable for their encyclopedia and here's
some recent deletions:
* Category: Wikipedia articles needing moustaches
* Three penis wolf
* Make your own wikipedia
* Video Games in the 1800s
* Assflakes
* Paper- the fat free chocolate
* Category: Wikipedians who insist on having the word lobster in every article
* How the prequels should have went
More at @DeletedWiki:
https://twitter.com/DeletedWiki
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Applying the Marks & Spencers / Marks & Sparks
naming convention to other duos.
* Ant & Dant
* Robson & Jobson
* Shaggy & Saggy
* Batman & Ratman
* Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Heckle
* Posh & Bosh
* Guns n' Runs
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Michael Jackson claimed "ABC, it's as easy as
123" but he was wrong. Numbers naturally ascend,
whereas the alphabet ordering is utterly
arbitrary and driven only by convention.
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: QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Chairman of British Onions speaks out
In the endless shit about Brexit there's been a
recent scare that an onion shortage could fuck
up the essential British Cheese & Onion crisp
supply.
"When I took the job representing British
growers as chairman of British Onions, I
imagined it would be the quietest of jobs. And
all of a sudden it's the worst year in our
history." (Tim Elcombe)
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: YOUR SOCIAL DIARY
Coz going out is the new staying in
* LOVE BOTS AT EDINBURGH FRINGE - we appreciate
that most people who read B3ta are internet
shut-ins who never leave the house, but if you
are attending #Edfringe2018 then go and see
Bilal Zafar coz your newsletter editor Rob
helped him with bot stuff.
https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/bilal-zafar-...
* SMERSHPOD LIVE - B3ta chum John Rain writes,
"I'm doing a live screening of Norbert Smith: A
Life at the Everyman Cinema Maida Vale,
followed by a Q&A with HARRY ENFIELD. Get
tickets here before they sell out!" We'll be
going to this coz we got free tickets. Thanks
John.
https://www.everymancinema.com/film-info/norbert-s...
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"Never work for free" says writer who puts more
effort into their tweets than anything they do
for work.
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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
Sponsored Patreon
Do you need some PR in your life? Best call ED.
https://twitter.com/edzitron
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/ - SEXY FOOD
Twix Of Doom
We've dug into the archives to bring you this
classic of sexual experimentation gone wrong:
My first girlfriend and I were together for
about two and a half years. A few weeks before
we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel
in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my
auntie's boss. We had a nice time there,
wandering around the priory, eating toasted
teacakes and crumpets in a small tea shop, but
a more deviant event was on the horizon.
"Would you eat something out of me?" she asked
one evening.
I confess I was rather bewildered and wondered
what she could mean: A banana? Some chocolate?
A pie? I suggested these things and she decided
that a Twix would be a good idea.
The next morning we walked to the local Spar
shop and, being a chivalrous type, I allowed
her to choose her Twix. As the chocolate was
slightly soft I suggested that we should maybe
put it into the freezer for a while so that it
wouldn't melt in a flash (amongst other things)
and she agreed.
"I'm ready," she said late that evening. She
went upstairs before me while I retrieved the
Twix from the freezer, following in her
footsteps moments later. When I reached the
bedroom she had already undressed and was lying
on the bed, her legs apart. For a moment I
wondered how I was going to do this: do I
actually remove it from the wrapper or do I
shove the whole lot in? Do I put one finger in
or both of them? I didn't want to ask as I felt
this would just make her nervous and would
hardly instil confidence in the poor girl as
she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be
penetrated by a chocolate bar. I decided to
insert a single finger and opened the wrapper,
suddenly noticing that the chocolate was
covered in a slightly grey sheen of
condensation having been in the freezer all
day, and was also as hard as a pavement, my
thumbnail failing to leave an impression when I
tested it.
"This is going to be cold," I warned before
introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid
inside and I left about an inch of it sticking
out. For a moment I looked at the rather
ridiculous and mildly scary sight before me,
before bending down and biting off about half
of the exposed finger of Twix.
Without warning the whole thing vanished inside
her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled,
wondering what I should do. I didn't think it
would be The Done Thing to prise apart her
labia like a mechanic lifting a bonnet before
rummaging around inside, so I just lay there,
staring, wanting to cry for a moment.
And then a thick, brown liquid began to ooze
from her pubis. Terrified that it would ruin
the sheets – which, after all, were not ours –
I thrust my hand between her thighs and caught
the melted chocolate as it dribbled out, but my
hand quickly filled and I was then forced to
consider what I was going to do with a hand
full of rather hot melted Twix as I could
hardly say "just crimp yourself off, love – I
need to go and wash my hand", so screwing my
eyes shut I licked it off my hand while my
other one was slowly filling.
Then, just as I thought it couldn't get any
worse, the biscuit base popped out, completely,
eerily clean, stripped bare of chocolate and
caramel, like an albino penis. I pulled it out
and, hands full of chocolate, quickly ate it
while I awaited for her sugary genital deluge
to stop.
I don't think I've eaten a Twix since.
(nasalhair)
https://b3ta.com/questions/foodsex/post497151
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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
The work of Britain's finest journalists
* "Shark disguised as baby stolen from aquarium
in pushchair" (Sky News)
* "Jamie Oliver blocks fan on Twitter for
suggesting he will cook his children"
(Entertainment.ie)
* "Dad puts out Southend pier fire - by peeing
on it" (Essex Echo)
* 'Titanic historian warns the ship 'has never
been in more danger than she is now'" (Belfast
Live, we would beg to differ)
If you've spotted a good one, tell us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Film Combos
Last week we asked you combine two films and
it's gone quite well actually. We like
challenges that have clear instructions, which
if you follow, you might produce something
amusing. Like funny maths.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmcombo2/popular/
We're also doing a challenge called "Holidays"
as Happytoast is on holiday.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/holiday/popular/
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1958 was a golden year for popstar babies:
* Michael Jackson
* Prince
* Madonna
* Simon Le Bon
* David Sylvian
* Belinda Carlisle
* Paul Weller
* Joan Jett
* Mark King
* Grandmaster Flash
* Kate Bush
All 60 (or would be) this year.
And Ian Broudie - 60 today. He's had a nice
little boost to his pension pot this year.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* HAS TOM CRUISE EVER SEEN A MOVIE? As
@shockproofbeats writes, 'Holy shit I am now
***100%*** a "Tom Cruise Has Never Seen A
Movie" truther.'
https://twitter.com/ryguyperez/status/102397851506...
* THE MOST MESMERIC VIDEO YOU'LL WATCH THIS
WEEK - or your money back.
https://twitter.com/RaminNasibov/status/1023607259...
* RUBBISH FONT - yes, a font made out of
letters stuck to bins.
http://www.fontspace.com/frazer-price/rubbish
* SHIT MP GETS MOCKED FOR SHIT PHOTO - check
the replies.
https://twitter.com/ABridgen/status/10242050939216...
* BEST AMIGA MUSIC - Is it controversial to
find old Amiga music more listenable than old
C64 music? Sid chip stuff gets much more
attention but the Amiga stuff has its own DIY
sampler aesthetic. 3 hours of it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: CONTENT THANKS
Links via unclepills, benito vaselini and
Jim-skinner. Subjlols via mauvedeity. And site
thanks to HappyToast, Wil, Kris, ScaryDuck &
Monkeon.
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: PATREON THANKS
They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.
*THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
*JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
*KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
IAN SHEEN, NEIL HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW
FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY,
BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO APPS, CHRIS
LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN,
RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7 DEATH, TOM
WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER
They bought a mention: Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan,
lee burnett, Peter Cooper, Rebecca McManus, Bex
Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies, George
Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
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Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
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unklefiction , Chris Gough, fourstar , Jonty
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Martin, Tim Williams, David King, Jaymie
Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben Watson,
Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem
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Barton, David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon
McDougall, Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling,
Jason Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip
Kinchington, Ian Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek
ROBERTS, Robbie Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam
Inglis, James Clayton, David Harrison, Jim
Frayling, Mike Middleton, Scott S. Kramer, Joe
Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob Mahon, Paul
Leader, Ivan Kelly, Jǐm McNǐven, Paul Healey,
Andy Ashton, Tom Rees-Williams, David Mills,
Martin Beer, midnightrambler , matsimpsk , Jim
Halfpenny, Dave Tickle, Matthew Forman, Gareth
Noyce, Chris Paterson, James Woods, pookong ,
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Albion Gray, Rupert Hull, Simon Henry, Simon
waterfall, Paul Westerman, Courtenay Ferris,
Andy Tillett, Essy Dave, Martin Peache, Jerry
Quartley, Bertil Hansson, Carl Morgan, Mark
Hibbett, Daniel Brown, Rich Pope, John
Matthews, JOHNNY WATTERS, Jamie Taylor, Adrian
Woodfield, Stuart Ashen, Vicki Jakes, Jane
Baker, Paul Smith, Will Goulden, Simon Cowan,
Robin Whitmore, Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes,
John Docherty, Dan Stott, Siobhan McNally, Bill
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Peter Willman, Sarah Williamson, Kevin
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Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
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Shakespeare, Tim Weaver, Lisa Westhaven, James
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Reward Description: (None for No Reward), Nick
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madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell Webster, Sham
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Čolak-Antić, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike Carter, Daz
Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M, P
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John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
Stéphane.
Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
don't, please consider it.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
Social media is the worst thing that's happened
to mankind since heroin was given away free
with Cornflakes. Delete your accounts and
report us for hate crime.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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Comedians! Create the experience of Edinburgh
Fringe by reading out a joke from lollipop stick
at three people in a bus queue and flushing £5000
down the loo.
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